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Irish Love and Marriage Jokes at The Irish Gift House

Irish Love and Marriage Jokes

The Irish love and marriage jokes at The Irish Gift House deal with the humor and sometime challenges of relationships.

Mrs. Kelly visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance.", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. You simply drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee when he is not looking. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."  It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"  "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.  "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible? Wasn't that what you wanted?" asked the doctor. "'Twas the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"


Mrs. O'Shea was taking a nap on Valentine's Day afternoon. After she awoke, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"  "You'll know tonight," he said.  That evening, Mr. O'Shea came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Murphy asked his friend, Paddy, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," answered Paddy, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."  This surprised Murphy because Paddy was known to be an inconsiderate husband.  "That was very thoughtful of you," said Murphy, "I hope she appreciates the thought."  Paddy smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.

Paddy Reilly is 32 years old and single. One day his friend Rory asked, "Why aren't you married?  Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Paddy replied, "Right, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." Rory thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who's exactly like your mother."  A few months later they meet again and Rory asks, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Paddy answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was exactly like my mother and you were right, my mother liked her very much."  "Then what's the problem?" Asked Rory.  Paddy replied, "My father doesn't like her."

At breakfast, Paddy asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
 "I'd take half the money and leave you," she replies.
"Great!" Says Paddy, "Here's $6.  I won $12 yesterday!  Stay in touch."

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."  The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Last night Murphy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?" Murphy said, "Thank you, dear. I think I'll have chicken." Mrs. Murphy replied, "You're having soup, you lazy slug. I was talking to the cat!"

Danny Quinn told his girlfriend that all he wanted for Valentine's Day was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. Do you know what she got Danny? A homemade frame with a picture of them from their first date together. This was fine with Danny because he got her an Xbox.

O'Malley's doctor sighed and looked him in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have advanced cancer and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened, though of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and my time is short. Let's head for the pub and lift a pint or two."  After a few pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley reminded them that we Irish celebrate both the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion. "Why did you tell your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley replied, "Aye, that I did because I don't want any of them filthy eejits fooling around with your mother after I'm gone."

Paddy is sipping a drink at the pub when Mick sits down beside him. "Paddy," asks Mick, "is it true that you are the proud father of 17 children?" "Tis' true, tis' true." sighs Paddy. "That is absolutely amazing." Mick continues. "Tell me, do you love them all?" "Do I love them all?" asks Paddy, "For the love of God, I don't know half their names!"

Mrs. Murphy noticed a large, beautiful parrot in the pet shop.
The price tag on the cage read $50.00. "Why only $50.00," she asked the pet store owner.The owner replied, "This parrot used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." Mrs. Murphy thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The parrot looked around the room, then said, "New house, new madam." Mrs. Murphy was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the parrot said,

"New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, Mr. Murphy came home from work.

The parrot looked at him and exclaimed, "Yo Murphy! How the hell are you?"

Sullivan and his wife are in bed when he slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back and suddenly stops. Mrs. Sullivan purrs in a romantic voice, "Why did you stop?" Sullivan whispers back, "I found the remote."

Mick Gallagher wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him. His son is sitting at the table, eating breakfast so Mick asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son replies, "Well, mom said you came home after 3 am, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs." Confused, Mick asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled, "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man."

Danny O'Meara got home from the golf course today, and found a note his wife had left for him on the refrigerator door.
IT'S NOT WORKING.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER.
Danny opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the heck is she talking about?

Maureen O'Malley tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "Sean ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "Mick also ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you, but what about your third husband." "That would be dear Paddy, he died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Séamus, and Mary were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman jumped up from the bed and yelled "That must be my husband!" So Séamus ran out of the bed; and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed Mary, "I AM your husband!" Mary yelled back, "I know! Why did you run?"

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. She whispers, "Thirty Euros for a good time." Paddy had never been with a lady of the evening before, but decides why not, it's only thirty Euros. Besides, his wife is out of town visiting her mother. So they hid in the bushes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Garda. "And what might you be doing here?" asks the cop.
"I'm making love to me wife," answers Paddy sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face."

Malone's wife told him that he was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in the tree house anymore.

Sean calls the Irish Helpline Center and hears, "Hello, my name is Paddy. How can I help you?" The depressed voice on the other end speaks, "Hi Paddy, my name is Sean and I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. There are the usual signs, if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.  She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake but I usually fall asleep before she comes home. Anyway, last night about 2am, I was hiding behind the boat. When she finally came home, she got out of a stranger's car while buttoning her blouse.  Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Paddy, is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

An attractive woman had recently moved to New York and things were not going well for her. She was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could jump off the dock, a handsome young man with an Irish brogue stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Ireland tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." "With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Ireland, the woman accepted. Late that night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. Every night he would bring her food, a bottle of wine, and he would make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Ireland." "Really?" asked the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Molly Flynn calls the hotel's reception desk and says, "Please send someone over right away, I'm having argument with my husband and he's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue." "Listen to me," yells Molly, "this is a
maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot, he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.

Duffy and his wife were sitting at home when he said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So Duffy's wife got up, pulled the plug on the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Much to the exasperation of his wife, Flaherty staggers home drunk every night. One night, she disguises herself as a red devil and hides in the cemetery that Flaherty cuts through on his way home. As Flaherty stumbles past a large headstone his wife jumps up yelling, "Flaherty, if you don't give up your drinking, you will go to Hell." Flaherty staggers back and demands, "Who the hell are you?" She shouts, "I'm the devil, you old fool!" Flaherty responds, "Damn glad to meet you, sir. I'm married to your sister."

Murphy and his wife were Christmas shopping at the mall, and the place was packed. As Mrs. Murphy walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do so she called his cell phone to find out where he was. In a quiet voice Murphy said "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford? Remember that I told you that I would
get it for you one day?" Mrs. Murphy choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." Murphy replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Paddy and Mary had another fight so Mary called her mom and said,
"I can't take it anymore; I am coming to live with you." Mom said,
"No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!"

Donovan and his wife were doing some Christmas shopping in a busy mall and somehow he got separated from his wife. So Donovan looks around until he finds the most beautiful woman in the area and walks up to her and asks, "Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot find my wife; she is somewhere in the shopping mall. May I talk to you for just a couple of minutes?" The beautiful woman is skeptical, but asks,
"Why?" "Well," replies Donovan, "every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife finds me."

Paddy calls his house and his young daughter answers the phone "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. Mommy is upstairs in the bedroom with my new Uncle Bob." After a brief pause, Paddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bob." "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now." "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy just drove into the driveway." "Okay daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later after hearing a lot of commotion, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it daddy." "And what happened, honey?" Paddy asked. "Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head in the hallway and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my Goodness!!! What about your Uncle Bob?" "He jumped out of the bed too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." After a long pause, Paddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool?
Is this 555-1298?"

O'Malley bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for St. Valentine's Day. After hearing about this extravagant gift, his buddy said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," O'Malley replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

All hell broke loose at a Sean and Mary's wedding ceremony last Saturday. Right at the time Father O'Brien asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the couple, a woman carrying an infant started walking towards the alter. A general commotion started among the congregation and the bride fainted. The concerned priest asked the woman if she had anything to say. The woman replied
"We can't hear at the back."

As Peggy McMahan was leaving the store she realized that she couldn't find her car keys. They weren't in her pocket or in her purse and she dreaded that she may have once again left them in the ignition. Frantically, she headed for the parking lot fearing that the car was stolen and even worse, her husband Sean telling her, "I told you so." Sure enough, Peggy could not find her car so she regretfully called the police to report the car theft. After the report, Peggy next made a more dreadful call to Sean, "Hi honey, bad news, I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen." Peggy thought that the call was dropped, because for a moment Sean was silent. Then he barked, "Are you kidding me, I dropped you off!" "Well then," said Peggy, "come and get me." Sean snorted, "I will; just as soon as I can convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!

Sean and Peggy rushed to the Dublin hospital as Peggy was in labor about to give birth to their first child. Sean was as proud as proud could be, but he was also concerned about the Peggy's pain. The doctor explained to Sean that the Irish had just developed a new medical device that would transfer some of the mother's pain to the father, but cautioned Sean that as strong and tough as Sean was, a man's body was not built to handle labor pain and that too much could kill a father. Even though the device was still experimental Sean agreed to accept 25% of the pain. As the labor progressed Peggy was still in great pain, but Sean could not feel a thing, so he said, "Transfer 50% of the pain to the father." The doctor agreed and while Peggy was still in pain, it did subside, and Sean still couldn't feel a thing. During the birth, Sean said, "Transfer 75% of the pain to the father." The doctor was reluctant, but Sean was obviously not in pain, so they turned the dial to 75%. But now it looks like twins and Peggy was still feeling some pain, so the noble husband said, "Transfer 100% of the pain to the father." "No." said the doctor, "That level of pain would kill any father." Sean said, "I can't feel a thing." And the dial was turned to 100%. The doctor was amazed. Peggy had one of the easiest deliveries on record; their two strapping lads were as healthy as could be and Sean didn't feel a thing, but when they got home the postman was laying dead by the front door.

Recent ad in the Irish Times: I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go. If you are interested and want to go instead of me it's at Saint Philomena's Church, Lucan Rd, Dublin and her name is Mary.

Murphy had a blind date last night, but he was concerned. What do I do if she's really unattractive?  I'll be stuck with her all night. Turns out, there's an app for that. It's called, "Mom Are You OK". 
It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her. If you like her, you ignore the call. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you OK?" It works every time. So Murphy knocked on the girl's door. Turns out he needn't have worried, she was gorgeous!  He couldn't get over how attractive she was! Just as Murphy was about to speak to her, her phone rang! She answered it and exclaimed, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you OK?!!!"

Mrs. Murphy was asked the secret to her long and successful marriage.  "We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week, a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing.  He goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Paddy was a very jealous and suspicious husband so he would call his wife from work every day and ask her, "Where are you?"  And every day she would respond, "I'm at home in the kitchen honey."  Paddy's suspicions would get the better of him and he would demand, "Oh yeah? Then turn on the blender, I wanna hear it."  So she would turn on the blender, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm.  This would go on day after day. One day Paddy decides to leave work early and surprise his wife but when he gets home he finds the kids all by themselves. Paddy screams at them, "WHERE THE IS YOUR MOTHER?" One of the kids replies, "I dunno where she goes, but she always takes the blender."

Mick is at the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him.  The woman walks over to Mick and says, "Hello."  Mick can't place the woman so he asks, "Do we know each other?"  To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."  Mick is now concerned and his mind travels back to the time he was unfaithful to his wife and asks,  "Are you the entertainer from Paddy's bachelor party that spent the night with me for an extra hundred bucks?"  She looks into Mick's eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

A very attractive female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered.  She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group.  She tried everything in the book.  Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she exclaimed, "Paddy, Mick and Sean, I am at my wits end and I am willing to make you this bargain.  If any of you can say the name of the town where you were born without stuttering then I will make passionate love to you.  OK?"  She was greeted with three wide smiles and three heads nodding furiously.  "Paddy?"  "Tip-tip-t-t-t-t-iperary."  "Sorry Paddy.  Mick?"  "Dub-dub-dub-dublin."  "Nice try Mick.  Come on Sean, your go."  "London."  A look of astonishment came over her face.  She had made the bargain not expecting any of them to be able to say one word without stuttering, but a deal is a deal.  "OK Sean, off we go."  After their unexpected tryst the speech pathologist said, "Sean, you were very quiet.  In fact the last word you said to me was London.  Do you have anything to say at all?"  Sheepishly Sean responded, "d-d-d-derry."

Danny Flynn visits the dentist with several broken teeth and the dentist asks, "What happened?"  Danny said, "My wife cooked some chicken and it turned out very hard and stiff."  The dentist replied, "You should have told her the chicken was too hard and refused to eat it."  Danny responded, "That's exactly what I did!"

Paddy bought his wife a new refrigerator for Christmas.  He just loves to watch her face light up every time she opens the door.

Sullivan's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

O'Connor says, "After 20 years of marriage we still hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

On their wedding night Mary Kate approached her awaiting husband, Sean, and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, Sean readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years; Sean thought that it was a cute way for Mary Kate to buy new clothes and such and never objected to her demand. Returning from the grocery store one day around noon Mary Kate was surprised to find Sean home from work and he was in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, Mary Kate handed Sean her investment portfolio that contained over 3 million in assets.  Mary Kate lovingly told Sean that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had made love, and the accumulation of wealth was the result of her investments in stocks and mutual funds. By now Sean was even more distraught and started beating his head against the wall. Mary Kate was confused and asked him, "Why are you so disappointed at such good news? Sean replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Seamus asked Kathleen, "Darling, what would you like for Christmas?"  Kathleen replied, "Oh, I would love something with diamonds."  So he bought her a deck of cards.

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr. McCarthy, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800.00 a week."  "That's very fair, your honor," McCarthy replied. "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Maggie found her husband hanging by the neck in their bedroom with a note on the bed reading "I can't take the critism anymore." Maggie quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.  As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally, "Darling, that's not how you spell criticism."

Paddy: "Babe, did you say you were making dinner? or what? I can't remember"
Kathleen: Sighs "I just wish you'd take some initiative and cook dinner for once...I've been at work too you know. So, what, now I come home and get to cook dinner, pack the dishwasher and then unpack the dishwasher, wash all the clothes...and you know what, I just can't continue to live like this!"
Paddy: "Hey, hey hey, relax. It's going to be alright."
Kathleen: "How?"
Paddy: "Here, I'll just show you." He says as he walks over to the laundry room. "You see this basket thing? Well, I've been doing this ever since we married and moved in here; I don't know if it's the house or what. But, any dirty clothes you put in this basket, somehow the next day, they're just clean, folded, and put away every time."
Kathleen: "You're not serious?"
Paddy: "Hey, I couldn't believe it at first either, but it just keeps happening. That's why I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want to jinx it."
Kathleen: "You are insane."
Paddy: "Try it, you'll see! Unless it's only chosen me...that I don't know."
Kathleen: "I can't do this." As she walking away
Paddy says: "No, wait! There are other things too."  As he walks into the living room with his wife he says, "Plates, cutlery, pizza boxes, dirty paper towels, anything you leave on this coffee table just vanishes overnight. I mean sometimes I'll see how far I can push this thing and I'll just leave piles everywhere, and then sure enough, the next day it's all gone! It just vanishes, its magic! With that Kathleen furiously stomps out of the room.  The next day two police officers show up at Paddy's house and are talking to him.
Paddy: "No, she wouldn't have left me; this is what I think happened. I heard her get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water or something; she must have fallen onto the magic coffee table and just vanished!"
Officer Maggie Sullivan: "Are you insane??"
Officer Kevin Daily: "No, he's not insane. I've got the same coffee table at my home."

Mick's girlfriend yelled at him, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"  Mick thought to himself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."

Malone was so excited, he got over 15 Valentines cards!  It left him breathless.  The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase.

When Sullivan’s wife left he was sad, upset and lonely.  Since then he got a dog, bought a new motorbike, had a couple of hot neighbor ladies over for company and blew several hundred bucks buying rounds at Kelly’s pub.  She will go mental when she gets home from work.

Paddy told his Dad, “I think that I’m falling in love with this awesome girl!"  The dad replied, "That's great son. Who is she?"  "It's Brigid, the Murphy's daughter."  "Ohhh,” said the dad.  “I wish you hadn't said Brigid Murphy.  I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.  Brigid Murphy is actually your sister."  Paddy is naturally bummed out by the revelation, but a couple of months later he tells his dad, “I fell in love again and this girl is even hotter!"  "That's great son. Who is she?"  The dad asked.  "It's Mary O’Brien, she lives across town on Main St."  "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that.  Mary is also your sister."  This went on couple of additional times and Paddy was so mad that told his mother, " I am so mad at dad!  I've fallen for four girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"  The mother hugs Paddy affectionately and says, "Paddy, my love, you can date whoever you want.  Don't listen to anything your dad says.  He is not your father."

The Callaghans were out shopping when the husband slipped a case of beer into their cart. “What do you think you’re doing,” asked the wife.  “But it’s only 10 bucks for 24 cans,” he replied.  She gave him a look that couldn’t be challenged so reluctantly he put the case back on the shelf.  A few minutes later the wife picked up some expensive face cream.  “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.  “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.”  “So does a case of beer and its half the price.”

Sean McConnell called his wife from the hospital, “Darling, I had an accident at work today; I fell into some machinery and cut up both my legs. Molly dragged me out but then the ambulance crashed on the way to hospital and mangled my arms. Latter they dropped me lifting me into bed and the fall busted my spleen. They’re not sure I’ll pull through.”  The wife replied, “Who’s Molly?”

Paddy got home from the pub around 9 pm on Sunday night and he could hear the wife sobbing in the darkness.  He could tell that someone heartless had upset her, but he knew that it wasn’t him.  He hadn’t been home since Wednesday.

A group of women friends were discussing marriage and family life when the subject of food came up and how fussy some husbands can be. Mary Malone was particularly scathing. “Oh I’ve been married for 20 years and there’s hardly been a day gone by without me Danny moaning about meals, whether it’s breakfast lunch or dinner. “Every day…moan, moan, moan! The breakfast porridge is too hot, the lunchtime soup is too cold…the evening meal isn’t exciting enough.”  “Bejesus!” exclaimed one of her friends. “That must be so disheartening for you.” “Oh I try not to let it bother me. If he doesn’t like his own cooking that’s his problem.”

Sean was on his deathbed, his wife at his side, pitifully he gasped,  "Give me one last request, my dear," he said.  "Of course, Sean," his wife said softly.  "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Danny."  "But I thought you hated Danny," she said.  With his last breath Sean said, "I do!"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is life after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.  After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:  "Mary Kate.... Mary Kate"   "Is that you, Mick?"  "Yes, just like we agreed."  "That's wonderful! What's it like?"   "Well," said Mick, "I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times...Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to golf course again.  Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."  "Oh, Mick! Are you in Heaven?"  "No, I'm still in Ireland... But this time I'm a rabbit!"

Saturday morning Paddy got up early, quietly dressed, packed his lunch, and slipped into the garage where he hooked up his boat up and pulled out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so Paddy pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.  So Paddy went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to his wife's back.  Now with a different anticipation Paddy whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
Paddy's loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, little Mary Kate whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"  "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."  Mary Kate thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Mrs. O’Malley went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight in his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide."
Muldoon, the pharmacist, asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 
Mrs. O’Malley replied, "I need it to poison my husband."  Muldoon’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!"  Mrs. O’Malley reached into her purse and pulled
out a photo of her husband together with the pharmacist's wife in a very compromising situation.
Muldoon the pharmacist took one look at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Sullivan and his wife entered the dentist's office.  Sullivan demanded, "I want a tooth pulled.
We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist, which tooth is it?"
Sullivan turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, woman.  Show him your bad tooth.”

Casey complained to his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house. Casey explained that he didn't seem to have the energy for the chores and projects on his wife's list, and she was none too happy with him. The doctor gave Casey a  thorough examination and a battery of tests and when they were finished he said: "OK, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what's wrong with me?" "Well," said the doctor, "in plain English, you're just bone lazy." "OK, I can live with that," said Casey "but give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Kelly’s wife left a note on the fridge…“It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! I’ve gone to stay with my parents."  Kelly opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold, so he’s still not sure what she was talking about.

Sean and Mary arrived home from the hospital with their infant baby when Mary suggested that Sean should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” said Sean. “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and Mary asked again. Sean narrowed his eyes as he looked at his young wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”

Paddy and Mary were having dinner one evening at a very fine restaurant in Dublin when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives Paddy a big kiss.  After the kiss she says she'll see him later and walks away.  Mary glares at Paddy and says, "Who was that!?"  "Oh," replies Paddy, "she's my mistress."  "Well, that's the last straw," says the Mary. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"  "I can understand that," replies Paddy, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."  Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Mick?" asks Mary. "That's his mistress," says Paddy.  "She looks like a tramp, our mistress is prettier," she replies.

Sean and his wife Marykate went to the state fair every year. Every year Sean would say, " Marykate, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marykate would say, "I know Sean, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." Finally one year Sean and Marykate went to the fair and Sean said, "Marykate, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Marykate replied, "Sean that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." The couple agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Sean, "By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Sean replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Marykate fell out, but you know ten dollars is ten dollars."

Paddy walks into a pub and in quick succession orders and drinks several glasses of whiskey. 
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a terrible fight," explained Paddy
"and now she is giving me 30 days of the silent treatment."  The bartender thought about this for a moment and asked,   "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" "Sure" muttered Paddy, "except today is the last night."

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. Without hesitation the robber shoots the guy dead!  The robber then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.  Everyone by now is terrified and looking down at the floor.  “Did anyone else see my face?” screams the robber.  There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.”

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant bickering, Mr. and Mrs. O’Grady decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to O’Grady, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" O’Grady scratched his head and replied, "Right, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Mary Kelly goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He asks, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  Me husband passed away last night."  Father O’Grady replies, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"  She says, "Ah, he did indeed, Father."  The priest tenderly inquired, "What did he ask, Mary?”   She replies, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’”

O'Malley is an extremely wealthy 60 year old gentleman.  One day he strolls into the clubhouse with a hot young blond on his arm, this girl has the looks of a "super model".  After a while the young blond excuses herself to freshen up and O'Malley walks over to the bar where his curious friends are waiting.  One friend asks, "How did you get such a great looking girl-friend?"  O'Malley proudly replies, "She is not my girl friend, we just got married, she is my wife."  Another friend questions, "Your wife?"  Did you lie about your age and tell her that you are only 40?"  "It's true,"says O'Malley, "I did lie about my age, but I didn't tell her that I was 40, I told her that I was 80."

Old Paddy Murphy was laying on his death bed, his loving wife Bridget and his four sons were at his side. Three of Paddy's sons were large strapping
lads but the fourth was a puny runt. With his last breath, he asked Bridget, "The small boy, is he really mine? Am I truly his father?"  Bridget lovingly responded, "Yes my dear, you are his father." With that, Paddy died peacefully and Bridget thanked God that Paddy did not ask about the other three boys.

One night Doolan, a proud father, hears his little son Paddy saying his prayers. "God bless Mammy, Daddy and granddad, goodbye granny." The father thinks this is very odd, but dismisses it and goes to bed. The next morning the father finds out that granny died peacefully in her sleep. "That boy of mine must be psychic," thinks Doolan, but eventually his better judgment takes over and he puts it down to coincidence. Then a few weeks later he overhears Paddy again, "God bless Mammy and Daddy and goodbye granddad." Sure enough, that night the old man passed away. Doolan does not know what to think about his son’s ability, but before he can give it too much thought he hears his son’s bedtime prayers again. "God bless Mammy and goodbye Daddy." Now Doolan is terrified, he does not sleep a wink all night and takes every precaution throughout the day." That night he arrives home from work a nervous wreck. "I’ve had a terrible day," he moans. "Me too," says his wife. "I got up this morning and the first thing I find is the mailman dead on the doorstep."

Katie Gallagher’s father: "Do you think that you could support my daughter if you married her?"
Young Danaher: "Yes, sir."
Katie’s father: "Have you seen her eat?"
Danaher: "Sure and I have."
Katie’s father: "Have you seen her eat when there’s nobody looking?"

Mary-Kate shuffled into the church supporting O’Toole, the inebriated groom-to-be. They were standing at the altar when Father Murphy approached and said that the man was drunk and that he would not perform the ceremony. "Take him away from here," said the priest, "and bring him back when he’s sober." But Father!" cried Mary-Kate, "he won’t come when he is sober."

Doolan, an Irish farmer from a remote area of County Cork, and his family were visiting Dublin for the first time.  Doolan, who had never before been inside a high rise office building let alone seen an elevator, was standing in the lobby with his son where they noticed a row of shiny metal doors built into the wall.  An overweight middle aged woman approached one of the shiny doors and pushed a button on the wall.  The doors opened, the woman stepped inside and the doors closed.  Doolan and his son watched the numbers above the doors light up one by one until the light reached the top number, then they watched the numbers illuminate in the reverse order until the light reached the number one.  The shiny doors opened and out walked a beautiful young woman.  Doolan turned to his son and whispered, "Quick, get your mother."

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."  The mother agrees so the next day he brings along three beautiful women and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says:  "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."  She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."  "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"  "I don't like her."

A Waterford wife was keeping a close eye on her new neighbors. "They seem perfectly devoted to each other," she told her husband.  "He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?"  "Well I could, but I hardly know the woman"

Mrs. O'Brien to Mrs. Flannagan, "My husband is on a strict diet.  He's losing 5 pounds a week.  So in a year and a half I'll be rid of him for good."

Little Sean asked his father, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"  The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. You call him a bachelor.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jimmy O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little fella, O'Connor?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  "That I did," said Paddy. "I was holding Jimmy's wife, and a thing of beauty she is, but totally useless in a fight."

As a new bride, Aunt Mary moved into the cottage on her husband’s farm near Dublin. She put a fancy box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband to never touch it. For fifty years Uncle Sean left the box alone, until Aunt Mary was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box and thought it might hold something important. Opening the box, he found two dollies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Mary and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you". "Uncle Sean was touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice as there were only two dollies in the box. "What about the $82,500?" he asked. "Oh, that would be the money I’ve made selling the doilies."

The teacher wrote to Paddy’s mother and said, "Paddy is a bright boy, but he seems to spend all his time thinking about girls." Paddy’s mother wrote back, "If you find a cure, let me know. I’m having the same trouble with his father."

Mr. & Mrs. O’Shea were celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary in their small village in County Kerry. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained Mr. O’Shea. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That’s one." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That’s two." We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What’s wrong with you, Mary Kate? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That’s one." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".

Flanagan went to his fiancées home to have a serious talk with her father. Flanagan said, "Sir, I’d like to marry your daughter." The father asked, "Have you seen my wife yet?" "Sure, and she is a fine woman," said Flanagan, "but if you don’t mind, I would still prefer your daughter."

O’Malley left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

On their way to get married, a young Irish couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Patrick to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder if they could get married in Heaven. When St. Patrick shows up, they asked him and he says he didn’t know but would find out. The couple sat and waited for an answer ..... for a couple of months.  While they waited, they discussed IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married? The eternal aspect begins to bother them. What if it doesn’t work? Does that mean we are stuck with each other forever? After yet another month, St. Patrick finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"  St. Patrick, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "OH, COME ON!" St. Patrick shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer!"

Murphy tells the psychiatrist, "Doc, my wife treats me like a dog!" "Well relax on the couch," said the doctor, "and tell me about it." "But doc," Murphy replied,  "I’m not allowed on the couch!"

Kennedy: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ‘til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Finnegin: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Kennedy: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Dr. O’Malley after examining Mr. Murphy, took the wife aside, and said, "I don’t like the looks of your husband at all". "Me neither doc," said Mrs. Murphy. "But he’s got a great job and he’s really good with the kids."

Doolen asked his wife of 25 years, "What do you like most about me, my handsome face or my sexy body?" She looked at him from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

O’Malley tasted his breakfast toast and made a face, and said to his wife, "Kathleen, wouldn’t it be great if you could bake bread like my mother used to do?" She said, "Yes, and wouldn’t it be great if you could make dough like my father used to make?"

Casey sat in Mary-Kate’s parlor and began proposing. "I’m not a wealthy man," he told her. "But I will be soon. I’ve got a very rich uncle and I’m his only heir. He’s a real old man and so ill that he can’t live more that a few months." A few days later Mary-Kate became Casey’s aunt.

Paddy calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to England with my boss and several of his friends for a fishing trip.  We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.  And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?  We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.  Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? Paddy says, 'Yes! Lots of salmon and some trout.  But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?  The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Mary O’Brien awakes during the night to find that her husband Mick was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Mick appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

Bob received a free ticket to the Super bowl from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!  About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat, 10 rows up from the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man said "No."  Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super bowl and not use it?!"  The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but Mrs. Murphy passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."  "That's really sad," said Bob, "But couldn't you find someone to take the seat, a relative or a close friend?" "No," Mr. Murphy replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Paddy asked his wife, "What would you be wanting for Valentine's Day?'  She answered, "Anything with diamonds!"  So Paddy bought her a deck of cards.

Years ago, during the ‘troubles', the IRA had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Paddy, Mick & Kathleen.  For the final test, the IRA men lead Paddy to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... kill her!!’  Paddy said,  ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’   The agent said,  ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.’  Mick was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes until Mick came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’  The agent said,  ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’  Finally, it was Kathleen’s turn. She was given the instructions, kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood Kathleen, wiping the sweat from her brow.  ‘This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." 

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor.
"Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."  Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Sean and his wife Colleen, were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?"  "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not"  "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not"  "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."

Paddy McLaughlin passed away so his devoted wife contacted the local newspaper to place an obituary.  
The Grieving Widow McLaughlin: “What is your least expensive death notice?” 
Newspaper clerk: “Five words for $3.00.” 
The Grieving Widow McLaughlin: “Print, ‘Paddy Died.’”  
Newspaper clerk: “But you still have three words left.”
The Grieving Widow McLaughlin: “Right, add ‘Boat for sale.’”

The Clancys were doing well as farmers, they lived well often eating out, went to the theater and so on.  Yet, after four years of marriage, they were not very successful being intimate with each other. They eventually consulted a psychiatrist who told them that they were probably too tensed up about the whole business.  He told them to relax, to stop worrying about it.  He told them to avoid having a routine and to let it be spontaneous whenever and wherever they both had the urge.  Some weeks later the psychiatrist was passing the farm and saw Mr. Clancy digging in his field so he stopped and asked him how things had gone.  “Great! Absolutely great!” said Clancy. “The only trouble is we can never show our faces in the hotel dining-room again.”

The Clancys were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Just before the party Mrs. Clancy got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  Clancy, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.  So he put on his costume and away he went.  Mrs. Clancy, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume looked like, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.   She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking girl he could.   Mrs. Clancy witnessed a little touching here and a little kiss there, so she sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself she soon had his complete attention.  She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to a vacant room and had a little fun.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.  She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. Mr. Clancy said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"  He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Sean, Mick and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Sullivan forgot his wedding anniversary again and he was in trouble with his wife.  After many forgotten celebrations, this offense was the last straw.  Mrs. Sullivan furiously demanded "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or less AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"  The next morning Sullivan got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, Mrs. Sullivan put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.  Sullivan has been missing for over a month.

Clancy came home and was greeted by his wife who was dressed in a very sexy negligee.  "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."  So he tied her up and went golfing.

The Murphy’s desperately wanted children after many disappointing years they found out that the problem was Mr. Murphy, so they decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Murphy kissed his wife goodbye and said, "I'm off. The man from the agency should be here soon and I don’t want to hang around".  A few minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."  "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Murphy cut in.  "Really?" the photographer surprisingly asked. "Well, good!  I've made a specialty of babies."  "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Murphy, blushing.  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too."  "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Sean and me."  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."  "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Murphy.  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."  "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Murphy exclaimed.  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown Dublin." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Murphy exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Murphy the picture.  "The mother was difficult?" asked Mrs. Murphy.  "Yes, I'm afraid so, I finally had to take her to the grounds of Trinity College to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."  "Four and five deep?" Trinity College?” asked Mrs. Murphy, eyes widened in amazement.  "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."  Mrs. Murphy leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"  "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."  "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Flannery was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' Mrs. Flannery was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'   She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'  Flannery replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

A bad guy enters a bank in Dublin and tells the teller to hand over the cash and then shoots him dead on the spot. About then Flannery, a bit tipsy after a spell in the pub, and his wife of 40 years walk into the bank. The bad guy says to Flannery "Did you see what I just did??"  Flannery stutters.  "N-N-N-NO, B-BUT M-MY WIFE DID!!!"

Murphy was very ill and on the verge of dying. The doctor called Murphy’s wife aside and said, "There are three things that you can do to nurse your husband back to health.  If you follow these instructions, I believe that he will survive.”  Mrs. Murphy asked "What are these three things which I must do?" The Doctor responded "One: You must make him three huge meals every day.  Two: You must never argue with him. And Three: Make love to him every night.” "I understand." said Mrs. Murphy.  After the doctor left, Murphy asked what the doctor said about his condition.  Mrs. Murphy replied, "You’re going to die."

I’ve just heard from McGuire in the north of Ireland.  He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.  His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.  If it doesn't stop snowing soon he’ll probably have to let her in.

Mrs. Malone came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Sean, pack your bags.  I just won the lottery!"  Sean said, "That’s brilliant!  How should I pack, for the beach or for the country?"  "It doesn't matter," she said. "Just pack your bags and get out!"

Mrs. Flynn was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, Mr. Flynn burst into the kitchen.  "Careful now," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!  You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"  Mrs. Flynn just stared at him, as if he had lost his mind. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" Flynn calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Mary Kate had just become engaged to Sean.
Her colleague Deirdre offered her some advice,
“The first ten years are the hardest.”
“Oh,” said Mary Kate, “how long have you been married?”
“Ten Years,” Replied Deirdre.