irish-tourist-jokes_
Irish Tourists Jokes at The Irish Gift House

Irish Tourists Jokes

Visitors to Ireland are always welcome according to the collection of Irish tourist jokes at The Irish Gift House.

An American tourist walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."  Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.  One guy even leaves the bar.  A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.  As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left the pub?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

The American tourist was walking around the Catholic cathedral admiring the architecture.  'Are you enjoying your visit to Ireland?' asked a young priest.  'Very much, Father, but I can't get on with the Irish whiskey it's far too strong for me,' said the Yank.  'Why so?' asked the priest.  'Well, I got drunk on it on Saturday night and crashed out unconscious.  Sunday morning I woke at 5 a.m. bright as a button. I went to 6 o'clock mass, 7 o'clock mass, 8 o'clock, nine, ten and eleven o'clock mass. Then I went to afternoon Rosary, sermon, Stations of the Cross and Benediction!'  'So what's wrong with that?' asked the priest.  'I'm Jewish!' said the tourist.
 
An American tourist in Dublin decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.  He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately Georgian residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. After all those pints he really, really had to go. Soon he found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem. As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by Police Officer Murphy, who said, "What  might you be doing?" "I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Right," said Officer Murphy, " follow me". He led him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there," pointed the officer. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The American entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the gate, he said to the officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?" "No sir" replied Officer Murphy, "that is what we call the English Embassy".

Casey, the guide on an Irish tour bus was showing visitors the historical places of the area as they drove through the country. "Here in Ballynanossilmore, we beat the British in 1641." Further in the tour, "The Irish trashed the brutal and bloody Saxon here in 1723." A little further, " On this spot, one hundred and twenty years ago, we knocked the unholy lard out of the British Redcoats in spite of all their treachery." An English tourist grew understandably annoyed and said, "Look here, surely the British must have beaten the Irish some place or other?" Casey said, "Not on my bus, they didn’t."

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and fixtures set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some dumb tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?' One of the Englishmen replied sarcastically, 'We're selling idiots.'" Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'Well you're doing well then, aren’t you...only two left!'

'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.  'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer. Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.  'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman. 'What now?' asked the tourist.  'It'll take you about ten minutes.' 'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.  'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.