Two old Italian men are enjoying some wine and conversation. Guido says, I heard that you're a good swimmer.” Luigi replies, “Itsa true, I was a postman in Venice for 30 years.”

An Italian couple from Rome go on holiday to Sicily with their kids. They park their car close to the seaside, unload their swimsuits, towels, and buckets and happily walk to the beach. As they sit down on the sand, Vito realizes that he left his sunglasses in the car. "Darling, I'll just go grab my glasses, I left them in the car. I'll be right back." He gets inside the car and shuts the door behind him and starts looking for them. He leans down to look under the seats and in the various compartments. As he searches, he realizes the car is slowly raising in height on one side. Confused, he rolls down the windows and looks outside to see what's going on. A man, who apparently hadn't noticed the car was occupied, had lifted the vehicle with a car jack and was now proceeding to unbolt the wheels. Vito, recognizing the man was obviously trying to steal them, yells, "Hey! what the hell do you think you're doing?!" The thief looks up at him in surprise, pauses for a moment, then whispers with a rather reassuring tone, "OK, OK. I take the wheels; you take the radio."

What's the difference between a Sicilian insurance actuary and other insurance actuaries? Other actuaries can forecast how many people will die next year. The Sicilian actuary can name them and provide the date.

How does an Italian get into an honest business? At night, through the skylight.

Two young Italian peasants, Tony and Maria, get married and they're spending their honeymoon night at Maria’s mother’s house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed. Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is in the kitchen making some tomato sauce. "Momma, momma! Tony gota hairy chest!" cries Maria. "Men are supposed to have hairy chests, go back upstairs." So, Maria sheepishly goes back upstairs. When she gets back, Tony starts pulling off his pants, and again, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs. "Momma, momma! Tony gota hairy legs!" Momma, continues to stir the tomato sauce and calmly states, “Men are supposed have hairy legs, go back upstairs." And back upstairs she goes. When she gets back, she watches Tony pull off his socks and notices he's missing three toes on his left foot. Once more, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs. "Momma, momma! Tony gota foot and a half!" "Stir the sauce Maria, this is a job for momma."

Guido moved from Sicily to Milan in northern Italy. Luigi, his new neighbor announced, “You are Sicilian. You are in the mafia.” Guido replied, “No I am not. Not all Sicilians are in the mafia.” Luigi was adamant, “No, I do not believe you. You are Sicilian; you are in the mafia.” Guido tried to reason with Luigi, “Not all Sicilians are the same, some eat pizza, some do not, some are in the mafia, others are not.” But Luigi would not relent telling everyone, “Guido is Sicilian. Guido is in the mafia.” So, Guido had him wacked.

The mafia Godfather picked up his son Enzo after his semester exams and asked. “How did you do?” “They questioned me for three hours, papa. But I told them nothing.”

The Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. The bookkeeper is deaf mute and that is part of the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that because Guido could not hear he would never be a threat if ever forced to testify in court. The Godfather confronts Guido about his missing $10 million, taking along his consigliore who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The consigliore replies, "He says that you are a fat pig and you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rome, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful young woman knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father, she started to repay the only way she could. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."  The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two young people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have a question." "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up?'"

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands. One night Father Ramono asked Tony to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years. Tony explained to the younger husbands that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Italy for their 25th anniversary. Father Ramono asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?” Tony proudly answered, “Ima gonna go pick her up!”

The German field marshal and the Italian general were mapping a last-minute strategy before leading their combined armies into a great battle against the Allied forces during World War II. When the meeting ended, the German field marshal said to his orderly: "Otto, get my coat." And he put on a coat of blazing red leather. The Italian general incredulously said, "Hey, you ainta gonna wear that red coat are you? You standa out lika sore thumb, and the Allies will all shoot at you." The German field marshal stiffly responded, "Ja, but because the coat is red, if I am shot, the blood will not show and my men will not see it and get discouraged. And they will fight on for a great victory for the Fatherland." The Italian general pondered that for a moment, then said, "Hey, that ainta bad idea. Tony, getta me my brown pants."

How do you identify the Italian at the cock fight? He is the one who bets on the duck. How do you know that the Mafia is involved? The duck wins.

In Italy a poll was taken to determine why men get up at night. Here are the results: 10% to raid the fridge. 15% to use the bathroom. 75% to go home.

Guido runs into his old friend Luigi while Luigi is panhandling on a street corner. Luigi is disheveled from his homeless existence and Guido inquiries about his circumstance. Luigi replies, "It wasn't always like this; until recently I had a warm bed and good food, along with clean clothing and companionship." "What happened?" asked Guido. Luigi replied, "I was released from prison."

What do you give to the Italian who has everything? Penicillin.

Big Tony, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons. "I'ma so prouda my eldest son, Luca. He maka 100 thousand dollar evra year. Hesa engineer. I even more prouda ma second son, Vito. He maka four hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa doctor! But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son, Guido. He maka five million dollar a year. Hesa sports mechanic!" Luigi asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Tony replies, "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match. You like football? He fixa dat too."

Luigi was having an affair with an American woman who was spending the summer in Italy. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, Luigi gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to America to secretly have the child. Luigi added that would also provide generous child support until the child finished college. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, Luigi came home to his confused wife. She said, “You received a very strange post card.” “Oh, let me look at it.” Luigi read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. One with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Maria was impressed when Luigi told her his home is designed by a famous Italian. At least until he invited her home and she realize he lived in a Fiat.

The competition was intense for the Italian pastry contest, but at the end of the day the judges were torn between Guido and Luigi. The judges said, "We would love for both of you to win, but there cannoli be one.”

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He just pasta way.

What it means to be Italian
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two capicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzellas into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9″, it is presumed the mother had an affair.
There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your First Holy Communion.
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00pm.
Christmas Eve dinner means only fish.
Your mom’s meatballs are the best.
You’ve been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
You know how to pronounce “manicotti” and “mozzarella.”
You fight over whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy.”
You’ve called someone a “mamaluke.”
And you understand “Bada Bing."