Irish Drinking Jokes at The Irish Gift House
Murphy walks into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness with a dash of lime. “We don’t do cocktails,” replies the barman.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where he is met by a drunken neighbor who is standing in the pouring rain. The neighbor asks him for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "It was Timothy Quinn, from around the corner. He is drunk and he wants a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and its pouring rain!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Quinn, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the man. "Yes, please!" Is the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the man. "I over here, on the swing."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the pub and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," is the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," says the second man. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '75." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '75, too! Let's have another round to St. Mary's." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Just the usual," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Pat and Mick are out drinking when Pat falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Pat," Mick says to the bartender. "He knows exactly when to stop."
Paddy O'Brien walks into a pub and tells the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness." The bartender brings him three pints and Paddy proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three pints at a time. I can keep an eye on them and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh pint." Paddy responds, "You don't understand. I just moved to America and I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers are having three Guinness Stouts and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that it was a wonderful tradition. Every week for several years Paddy came in and ordered three pints at a time. Then one week he came in and ordered only two pints. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know your tradition, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." Paddy responded, "Oh, me brothers are fine, I just quit drinking."
Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son Paddy out for a drink. They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. Paddy didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, Paddy didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.
Paddy was in a pub and he is really drunk. Mick the bartender noticed this, so when Paddy asked for another whisky, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. Paddy leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again through the side door and asks Mick for a whisky. A little frustrated, Mick repeats what he told Paddy minutes earlier, but offers to call Paddy a taxi. Again Paddy leaves and re-enters through a further side door, walks up to the bartender and asks for a whiskey. Mick is now quite annoyed, and tells Paddy that he is too drunk to be served and that he needs to leave the pub and to get a ride home. Once more Paddy leaves. Again he staggers back in, this time through the back door. Paddy walks up to the bartender and before he can say a word, Mick explodes at him, "I told you already, you are way too drunk, and you can't have another drink. Get out of this pub!" Disgruntled and confused, Paddy glares at Mick and asks, "Man, how many pubs do you work at?"
Mick walks into the local pub and says to the bartender, "A pint for me, a pint for you, and a pint for everyone who is in the pub." Upon finishing his pint, Mick starts walking out of the pub. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "Sorry about that, but I have no money," answers Mick. The bartender hears that and punches Mick as hard as he can and threw him out into the street. The next evening the Mick walks into the pub and says to the bartender, "A pint for me, a pint for you, and a pint for everyone who is in the pub." The bartender thinks to himself, "This guy can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives a pint to everyone. After drinking his pint Mick starts walking out of the pub. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I told you before that I have no money," answers Mick. So again, the bartender punches Mick as hard as he can and threw him out into the street. One evening later Mick walks again into the pub and says to the bartender, "A pint for me and a pint for everyone who is in the pub." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no pint for me this time?" "No," answers Mick, "you get too violent when you drink."
McGillicuddy told O'Brien, "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in December."
O'Connor had a few too many when he saw three obese women come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention. The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, O'Connor looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" The largest of the three woman, with a loud, nasty attitude said "It's WALES you idiot!!!" O'Connor apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"
Danny had been drinking all night at the pub. Mick the bartender finally said that it was closing time and it was time to go home. So Danny stepped off the barstool and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up and again he fell to the floor. So Danny figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he grabbed the lamp post and lifted himself up, took one step and fell flat on his face. So Danny decided to crawl the 2 blocks to his home. When he reached the front door he pulled himself up by the doorknob, opened the door, and again fell flat on his face. Discouraged, he crawled across the floor into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly tumbled into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Danny was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that darling?" Danny asked, putting on an innocent look. "Mick the bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."
Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out at the pub. Latter when he woke up, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Paddy. "I must have been really drunk when I got home. Now that I think about it, there was a lot of noise and commotion when I threw the dog out!"
Owner of a liquor shop gets a call in the middle of the night. A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "This is Jack Noonan, and it's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" The liquor shop owner replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning." A couple of hours later the owner is again woken up with a call from Noonan who now sounds as though he is intoxicated, "How long till you open? My need is urgent." The shop owner loudly says, "I told you, it won't open till morning!" A few hours later, "When will your shop open?" cries Noonan, who is now smashed. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You drunken fool! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any liquor by the
way your night's been going." Noonan is slightly puzzled by the shop owner's comment, so in his heavily intoxicated voice he slurs, "I've plenty of liquor. What I need is a way out from your shop."
O'Toole's Pub is burning to the ground and the firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the pub and eventually, with the help of some oxygen, the Irishman comes around. The fire chief asks, "You were there, how did this fire get started?!" The Irishman responds, "I don't know, it was burning when I got here."
Mick noticed his friend Danny in the pub, but he was not sitting at his regular booth. Mick inquired, "Danny, why are you sitting at the bar?" "Right," says Danny, "me doctor said that I should watch my drinking. So from now on I'll be drinking at the bar. To be sure, the bar back has a lovely mirror for me to do the watchin'."
Mrs. O'Malley commented at dinner, "It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal."
Danny Quinn just read an article about the dangers of drinking and it really scared him. So Danny decided right then and there, that's it, no more reading!
In the clean-up after the usual Friday night donnybrook at Finnegan's pub, the cop escorting bloody and bruised Seamus to the paddy wagon says, "You have the right to remain silent." Seamus interrupts, saying, "Aye...I know I've got the right, it's the ABILITY I'm a bit short on, or you wouldn't be haulin' me off now, would ya."
Mrs. O'Leary asked, "Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?" Murphy replied, "It's much too late for me." The virtuous Mrs. O'Leary assured him, "It's never too late." Murphy smiled, "Well, there's no rush then."
Flynn was overheard in the pub saying, "Christmas lights remind me of my friends. We all hang together, half of us don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright."
Monaghan announced to the lads at the pub, "I'm giving up alcohol for a month." When his friends looked at him with expressions of disbelief he added, "Wait that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month".
Mick almost talked his way out of a speeding ticket by telling the female police officer she looked stunning, until he added "and that's not even the beer talking".
Cagney was looking through the Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages. It said “If you have a drinking problem call this number”. Cagney did, and he got Murphy’s liquor store from across the street.
Mrs. Mulcahy came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. Mr. Mulcahy inquired, "Are we expecting guests?" "No." replied his wife. "Then why in the world did you buy so much bread?"
Murphy got in late from the pub and grabbed something to eat in the kitchen. "You're drunk, aren't you?" Said a disappointed voice from behind him. Murphy replied, "What makes you say that, honey?" “Well for one thing,” replied the woman, “this isn’t your house.”
The neighborhood busybody asked Jimmy O'Toole: Do you drink?
O'Toole: Aye,Yes do!
Busybody: How much do you drink a day?
O'Toole: Around 3 six-packs startin' at noon.
Busybody: How much does a 6-pack cost?
O'Toole: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Busybody: And how long have you been drinking like that?
O'Toole: 15 years.
Busybody: So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
O'Toole: Sure, sounds about right.
Busybody: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000, correct?
Busybody: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
O'Toole: Do you drink?
O'Toole: Right, so where's your Ferrari?
Paddy is quietly drinking in a pub when a drunk staggers in and points at Paddy shouting,
"Your mother is the best lover I've ever had!" Everyone in the pub expects a fight,
but Paddy just ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end of
the pub. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Paddy, and says;
"Your mom and I had a fun time, and it was sw-e-et!" Again Paddy refuses to take the bait,
so the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Another round later the drunkard returns and yells, "Your mom loved it!"
Finally Paddy can't take it any longer, he sets down his pint,
stands up in the old man's face and says "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
After a heavy night at the pub, Danny McMahan decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. With a lit cigarette in one hand and a bottle in the other he staggers up to the reception desk, where to the great annoyance of the clerk, he demands the best room in the house. After signing in, Danny, whose hands are very unsteady, lights another cigarette and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, Danny staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said Danny. "Very good, sir, I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," slurred Danny, "it's on fire."
Mary O'Malley is home making dinner when Mick Finnegan arrives at her door. "Mary, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Mick. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Mary. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Mary. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Mary. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Mick.
"How did it happen, Mick?" "It was terrible, Mary. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Mick. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Mary... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Three Irishmen were in charge of a branch of a bank in a little country village. One day an inspector from the central office went down to visit them and see how they were getting on only to find the bank closed during banking hours. When he looked in the window, he saw the three Irishmen playing poker with the bank's money. Furiously, the inspector activated the alarm bell which rang loudly three times. Nothing happened for a few minutes -until a barman from the pub across the road from the bank arrived with three pints of Guinness on a tray.
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward eleven. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery that Padraic cuts through from the pub and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who ARE you?" Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
Danaher staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, Danaher sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, Danaher awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, dear, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly.... it’s all those damn Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Clancy was in Dublin on a business trip and decided to head to a local pub for a drink. Standing outside the bar was Sister Mary Kate holding a tin cup. As Clancy threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems. Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, Clancy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two that doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional sip of Jameson!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said Clancy. "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped Sister Mary Kate, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don’t know ..." "I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person." "Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let’s go inside and settle this!" "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "Jameson" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it." "You’re on!" said Clancy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. Clancy went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two Jameson, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?" The bartender sighed and asked, "Is that nun out there again?"
Irish liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health Ireland’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye rel gode
One dark and stormy Halloween night, Mick O’Malley, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car slowly comes towards him and stops. Mick, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. Mick looked at the road ahead and saw a sharp curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the open window and turned the wheel. Mick, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window to turn the car, but the hand never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter Mick saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly the door opened and two other men walked in from the stormy night. They, like Mick, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Mick O’Malley sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' eejit that got in the car while we were pushin' it.'
Sign in an Irish pub: "This establishment closes at 11 o'clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven't had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven't really been trying."
O’Ryan was too drunk to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he staggered along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” Said the officer. “I’m going to a lecture.” Slurred O’Ryan. “And who might be givin’ a lecture at this hour of the morning?” The cop asked. “My wife.” Said O’Ryan.
Sullivan walked into a pub and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what Sullivan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing at all," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air. As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it. A hundred yards, then 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter. Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: "You can keep your darned ice cream!"
Flanagan finally wound up in AA after many years of too much drink. Across the room he saw what he thought was a familiar face, so he shouted, “O’Brien, is that you?” And six people answered.
McGuire dashes into the local pub out of breath and hollers to the barkeeper.."Quick, set me up with 5 shots of Jameson !!" The barkeeper hurries and sets down 5 shots in front of McGuire. McGuire quickly downs one, two, three and four when the bar guy says, "Hey lad, you shouldn't fire those down so fast. That's good sippin' whiskey!" McGuire replies back "You'd down them just as fast if you had what I have!" "My God man, what is it you have?"McGuire, quickly downing the fifth shot says.." 45 cents !!!"
Paddy had been drinking all night at the pub. Mick the bartender finally said that it was closing time and it was time to go home. So Paddy stepped off the barstool and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up and again he fell to the floor. So Paddy figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he grabbed the lamp post and lifted himself up, took one step and fell flat on his face. So Paddy decided to crawl the 2 blocks to his home. When he reached the front door he pulled himself up by the doorknob, opened the door, and again fell flat on his face. Discouraged, he crawled across the floor into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly tumbled into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Paddy was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that darling?" Paddy asked, putting on an innocent look. "The Mick the bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."
A Southern Baptist was seated next to Paddy Irishman on a flight from Ireland.... After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Paddy asked for a large whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be ravaged by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.” Hearing this, Paddy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
‘Twas late one Saturday night, when the local Garda (police officer) spied Timothy O'Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O'Carroll if he had been drinking that night. “Who told on me?” asked Timothy. “Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,” continued the thoroughly drunk O’Carroll. “It’s Saturday night, you know. Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven pints, that’s all.” “But then they had somethin’ called ‘Happy Hour’ during which they served these delicious margaritos, or margaritas? Anyway they are quite good. I had four…no five of those. Then I had promised to drive O’Hara, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in for a couple pints of Guinness. I really couldn't be rude, now occifer, Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for later…” At that point Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and suddenly lifted up a half empty bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect. The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying “Sir, you will need to step out of the vehicle to take a breathalyzer test to see if you are drunk.” Indignantly, O'Carroll replied, “Why? Don't you believe me?”