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Irish Religion Jokes at The Irish Gift House
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Irish Religion Jokes
Irish religion jokes, poke humor at all of God's children.
Jesus asked God, "Where have you been these past 2 years?" God replied, "In Ireland." Jesus was shocked by His Father's reply and replied, "A pandemic has been raging these past 2 years, and the world is falling apart, and you have been in Ireland? Please Father, what have you been doing?" God leaned over and kindly whispered, "Working from home Son, working from home."
Mrs. Malone, and several other ladies in her parish, count the Sunday church donations every Monday morning. When she came home early, Mr. Malone asked, "Maureen, why are you so early?" She replied, "Everyone showed up this week, so we didn’t have anyone to talk about."
Flanagan, who hadn't attended church in years, suddenly began faithfully attending Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. Pastor McMahon was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said Flanagan, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than her's."
Séamus played rugby every Sunday afternoon, which troubled his wife. She asked Father Donovan, “Is it a sin for me husband to play rugby on Sunday?” “'Tis not a sin,” the priest replied, “but the way he plays, ‘tis a crime!”
Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he hated the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this. Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again took aim at the English. He took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever again presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain, I will have to suspend you." "Bishop, forgive me, 'twill not happen again." All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day. Then, Father Patrick, while celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, he recounted the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple. "And Matthew asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?' 'No, Matthew, it's not you.' And Peter asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?' 'No, Peter, it's not you.' And Judas asked, 'BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?'"
Father Sullivan’s Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. O’Malley, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. O’Malley, that is very unusual. Please tell the congregation how a person cannot have a single enemy in the world?" Mrs. O’Malley sweetly replied, "I’m ninety-three-years-old and I outlived every one of those witches."
Mick was leaving church on Easter Sunday. Father Sullivan, who was standing at the door to shake hands with the parishioners, grabbed Mick by the hand and pulled him aside. Father Sullivan said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” Mick replied, “Thank you for the invitation, but I am already in the Army of the Lord.” Father Sullivan asks, “Then why don’t I see you except at Christmas and Easter?” Mick whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Old Pastor O’Malley, speaking to the new younger parish priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." Young Father Sullivan nodded. "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to new ideas." "Those ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested young Father Sullivan, "confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "True," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
Preacher Doherty explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within his small, but enthusiastic congregation. Almost everyone wants him to stay. Timothy O’Brien, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If Reverend Doherty stays, I will provide him with a new car and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Mick Gallagher, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher will stay, I'll personally double his salary.” More applause. Maggie Boyle, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If Reverend Doherty stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Boyle, whatever possessed you to say such a thing?" Maggie's husband Seamus is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked me Seamus how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher.’”
Counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a green envelope containing $1000 in cash. It happened week after week. One Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw little old Mrs. Doyle put the distinctive green envelope in the plate. After the service, he approached her and said, “Mrs. Doyle, I couldn't help notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” "Why yes," she replied. "Every week me son Danny sends me cash, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" Mrs. Doyle replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "Danny is a veterinarian." "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does Danny practice?" Mrs. Doyle said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Murphy was getting more than a little peeved with the frequent visits they were getting from his wife’s two nephews, who were both Jesuit priests. She was in the habit of wining and dining them royally and this morning she forced Murphy to kill his two finest chickens for the Jesuits’ lunch. After lunch, the two men of the cloth accompanied Murphy on a tour of the farmyard. When they came upon the chicken coup, one of the priests remarked, “That’s a very proud looking rooster.” Murphy, still annoyed about losing his chickens for the lunch meal, replied sarcastically, “Is it any wonder and he with two fine sons in the Jesuits.”
Father O’Reilly told his congregation, “Anyone who has a special need and wants to be prayed over, please come forward.” So, Seamus got in line and when it was his turn, Father O’Reilly asked, “Seamus, what is your special need?” Seamus replied, “Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” So, the priest put his hands on Seamus’s ears and then prayed and prayed and prayed with the whole congregation joining with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, Father O’Reilly removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Seamus, how is your hearing?” Seamus replied, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”
Maggie never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. Father Sullivan was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter Maggie was there every Sunday. Three months later the pastor asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough?" Maggie replied, “It's this new car of mine, they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”
Young Danny was waiting outside the grocery store while his mother shopped. While he was waiting, he was approached by a man who asked him, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” Danny replied, “Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “By the way, I’m Father Sullivan, the new pastor at St. Kevin's. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.” Danny replied, “Right, you must be joking. You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”
Sister Mary asked her students, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" Paddy replied, "Aren't those the sins we could have committed, and now regret that we didn’t?”
Erin told Mick, “If you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!” Mick asked, “Does it upset you that much?” Erin replied, “It’s not just me, it annoys the entire congregation.”
Paddy entered the confessional at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. Father Donovan asked, “Do you have any confessions?” Paddy replied, “I did something Father, but I am not sure if it was a sin.” Father Donovan inquired, “Did you enjoy it?” “Yes, Father, I did,” Paddy replied. “It was a sin. Make your confession.”
Father Sean Murphy tells his friend, Rabbi Benjamin Goldberg, that he has found an excellent way to eat for free in really fine restaurants. The rabbi is interested, so the priest explains how his plan works. “I simply go into the restaurant at well past 9 in the evening, I slowly eat several courses, then I linger over coffee, dessert, drinks and smoke a cigar.” The rabbi is fascinated by this, and priest continues. “Eventually a waiter informs me that they are closing and asks me to pay my bill. I reply, “I have already paid my original waiter, who has left for the night.” Because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door of the restaurant as calm as ever.” Rabbi Goldberg, who is clearly impressed says, “What a brilliant plan. Let’s try it together this evening.” The priest agrees and later that night they visit an expensive, 5-star, restaurant. The priest and the rabbi both eat and drink like kings until 2am when a waiter comes over and hands them the bill and asks them to pay. Father Murphy calmly says to the waiter, “We have already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening.” Then, much to the priest’s surprise, Rabbi Goldberg adds, “And we are still waiting for the change!”
Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he hated the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this. Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again took aim at the English. He took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend you." "My Lord, forgive me, 'twill not happen again." All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day, Father Patrick was celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple.And Matthew asked, “LORD, IS IT ME?”"No, Matthew, it's not you."And Peter asked, “LORD, IS IT ME?”"No, Peter, it's not you." And Judas asked, “BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?”
The parish was bequeathed a domesticated ass from the estate of a deceased parishioner. Pastor O’Connor noticed that this donkey was incredibly fast, so he entered it in the Irish Derby and won. The local paper printed: PASTOR’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. Bishop Sullivan was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered Father O’Connor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper printed: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for Bishop Sullivan, so he ordered Father O’Connor to get rid of the donkey. Father O’Connor decided to give it to Sister Mary-Kate, a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper printed: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. Bishop Sullivan fainted. He informed Sister Mary-Kate that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for €10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR €10. This was too much for the Bishop Sullivan, so he ordered Sister Mary-Kate to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Bishop Sullivan was buried the next day.
Two Irish nuns from the remote Wicklow Mountains where assigned to the US. Sister Maggie said to Sister Brigid, "I heard that Americans actually eat dogs." "Odd," Sister Brigid replied, "But if we shall live in the United States, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, Sister Maggie pointed to a hot dog stand and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said Sr. Brigid. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. The nuns walked over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. Sr. Maggie was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
One morning a man using crutches hobbled into St. Patrick’s Church. He stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some on each leg, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Father O’Grady,” the altar boy exclaimed. “A man just walked into the church on crutches, splashed holy water on both legs, then threw his crutches away!” “Lad, you have just witnessed a miracle,” said Father O’Grady. “Tell me, where is this man now?” “Flat on his arse over by the holy water.”
As soon as she had finished parochial school in Ireland, Molly made her way to New York, where before long she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. Molly explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were old Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. O’Malley. They witnessed Molly’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one exclaimed to the other, “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”
Seamus O’Sullivan was hired to repair the worn out roof at an old Catholic Church. As Seamus peeked through one of the holes in the roof he saw little old Mrs. O’Donnell kneeling by the altar praying. Seamus thought he would be funny, so with best authoritative voice and said, “This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered.” Well, Mrs. O’Donnell didn’t even blink, she just kept on praying. Seamus decided that maybe she didn’t hear him, and so he tried again. “This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!” Again, Mrs. O’Donnell didn’t react at all. Seamus decided to try again, only this time, he said it much more loudly. “THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!” Agitated by the distractions, old Mrs. O’Donnell finally replied, “SHUT YOUR GOB! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!”
Miss O’Leary is a lovely little old Irish spinster from Cork. The old priest at her Catholic church had retired, and was replaced by a much younger one. After Mass one Sunday, she went up to the new priest and said, “I have to tell you Father, your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure, we didn’t know what sin was till you came to the parish!”
Two nuns were out for a drive in rural Ireland when they ran out of gas. Fortunately they were able walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sisters," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry the gas in is an old bed pan." The nuns agreed that the bed pan would be fine. They returned to their car and as they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man driving by stopped his car. He said, "Oh sisters, if only I had your faith."
One Sunday Father O'Malley was preaching against the evils of alcohol when he added a visual demonstration to his fire and brimstone lecture. He filled a glass with whiskey into which he dropped a wiggling worm. The worm quickly stopped moving and died. The preacher asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" "Father," said Paddy, "I learned that if you drink whiskey, you will not have worms."
One evening, while in her convent, Sister Mary Kate opened a letter from home. Inside the letter from her parents was a $100.00 bill; Sister Mary Kate smiled at the kind gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post on the street below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Mary Kate," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100.00 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Mary Kate was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100.00 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair ran first in the fourth at Belmont and paid 80-to-1."
Father Murphy was walking down the street when a well dressed man got out of brand new Mercedes, rushed up to him and shook his hand. "Father Murphy, my name is Paddy Sullivan a I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart." "Oh?" said Father Murphy. 'Why's that?' "It's like this," said Paddy. "Three years ago I was on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce when I went to one of your sermons about temperance. It was the one about the alcoholic who spent all his money in the pub while his wife and children went about barefoot, but the family of the pub owner are dressed in the finest silks and linens." "Ah, yes, I remember that one well," said Father Murphy. "Are you telling me that you gave up the drink there and then and turned to the narrow path of righteousness, is that it?" "Not at all," replied Paddy. "I'm telling you that opened a pub."
Muldoon lived alone in an Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon was beside himself with grief. He went to the Parish Priest and said, "Father, me dog is dead! Cana Ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Quinn replied "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church but there are some Baptists that just moved in down the lane and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature.” Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, and Father do you think 10,000 Euro is enough to donate for the service?” Father Quinn exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. One of the drunks shouts, "Hey, give us a kiss, ya penguins." Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya little eejits, before I come over there and rip off yer heads." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior and quite innocently asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Mary and Kathleen are two church members who are going door to door inviting the neighbors to Easter Service. One crotchety old man told them in no uncertain terms that he did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To his surprise the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. He tried again to slam the door with the same result, the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, he reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when Kathleen said, "Mister, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Three married couples, including Sean and Mary Kate want to join a congregation so they met with the minister. The minister informs the couples that to join his church they must be successful in putting God before their own desires. The test is that they must abstain from sex for two weeks. If they pass the test they would welcomed into the church. The couples agree to the conditions and schedule to meet with the minister in two week's time. "How did it go?" The minister asked the first couple. They responded, "It was easy, we made it without too much trouble." "Welcome to the church." Says the minister. The husband of the second couple said "It was tough." And his wife added that they had to spend a few nights in separate rooms, but in the end we made it." "Welcome to the church." Says the minister. "How about you?" the priest asks Sean and Mary Kate. "We didn't make it." Responded Mary Kate. "If you don't mind me asking, what happened?" asked the minister. "Well," said Sean, "it was during the second week. Mary Kate was reaching for a can of beans off the shelf. I couldn't help myself, right then and there, well you know." "Unfortunately," said the minister, "this means you are not welcome into our church." "I know." sighs Mary Kate, "We are not welcome back to the grocery store either."
Paddy, as drunk as can be, is stumbling through the woods taking the short cut home from the pub. After a short distance he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river, so he proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks Paddy, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" Paddy shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Paddy replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Paddy answers again, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks Paddy again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds until Paddy begins trashing his arms and legs about. The exasperated preacher again asks Paddy, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" Paddy staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Before performing the christening of Paddy's baby, Father Reilly asked him solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?" "I think I am father," Paddy replied. "Mary has made a big buffet spread and her mother baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests." "That's not what I meant," Father Reilly responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "To be sure I am," Paddy replied. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Dirty, rotten Mick O'Sullivan lived the life of a scoundrel however after his violent death he finds himself standing outside the gates of Heaven! Saint Peter stands before Mick and says "Welcome, Mick. We have been waiting for you." Now, Mick is confused. He says to Saint Peter, "I got into Heaven? Really? No offense, but I was a dirty, rotten, son of a biscuit." Saint Peter smiles and says, "It is not my position to question the will of God. Are you ready to come in?" Mick continues and says, "There has to be some kind of mistake. I was a swindler. I swindled nearly every person I've ever met." Saint Peter nods and says, "Again, it is not my position to question the will of God." Mick continues and says, "I was a murderer! I've murdered countless people; many of them were good innocent folks." Saint Peter, getting frustrated, says, "I was told to let you in. I didn't ask why. Not my choice in the matter." Mick is stunned and continues, "I was a rapist. I raped people. Are you telling me they let swindling, murdering rapists into Heaven?" Saint Peter says to Mick, angrily, "You don't think we already know all that? Are you coming in or not?" Mick thinks and says, "I really don't think that heaven can be so great if you let people like me inside." To which Saint Peter responds, "Fine! You can go to Hell." Then he snaps his fingers and sends Mick straight to Hell. Mick finds himself among a crowd. Up on a craggy cliff, Satan appears, and bellows out to the terrified masses below, "Welcome, unrepentant sinners, to eternal damnation...wait a minute, is that Mick O'Sullivan? Who in hell let in that dirty, rotten, son of a biscuit!? You ask God for ONE favor...."
Paddy is kneeling in front of the altar in church praying to God for a million dollars. After a short while another guy kneels besides him and starts praying out loud for $100.00. Paddy is annoyed by the competing request so he shoves $100.00 into the man's hand and tells him to get lost. As the astonished guy leaves the church Paddy looks up toward the heavens and asks, "Can we now concentrate on me?"
Mary Malone visits her priest, Father Flynn and tells him, "Father Flynn, I have a problem. I inherited two female parrots from my foul mouth uncle Mick and they only know to say one thing." "What do they say?" asked Father Flynn. "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he said, "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to the parish rectory and we'll put them in the cage with Patrick and Kevin. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that ugly phrase in no time." The next day, Mary brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Paddy, our prayers have been answered!!!"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
Old Mrs. O'Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. "Sure", said the clerk, "and in what denomination would you be wantin' them?" "Oh my", sighed Mrs. O'Malley, "has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant."
It had been many years since Sean Foley had been to church, but one day he decided that it was time to renew his faith and he figured that he should start with a long overdue confession. As he entered the confessional box he was amazed to see a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the wall was a dazzling array of Irish whiskey and cigars. In a short time Father McGuire walks in and Sean says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." Father McGuire looks at Sean and barks "Get out. You're on my side."
One fine afternoon Father Murphy runs into his old colleague Father Sullivan. "I haven't seen you in a couple of years," Says Father Murphy. "How are you gettin on?" "Best in years," says Sullivan, "I've left the priesthood and I am now a mortician." "But why did you leave and why did you become a mortician?" asks Father Murphy. "It was getting too depressing for me," replied Sullivan. "I'd counsel the addicted and they would remain addicted. I'd give guidance to troubled married couples and they would get divorced. I wasn't helping anyone at all, so I became a mortician. Now when I straighten them out, they stay straightened out!"
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "I was ashamed to...Sniff, sniff....Da....I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, da-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a new home plus a €1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute daddy. sniff, sniff." "Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Now come here and give yer old father a hug!"
After church one fine Sunday morning Paddy stopped to shake Father O'Reilly's hand. Paddy said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' Father O'Reilly replied, "Thank you Paddy, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity, we are in the house of our Lord." Paddy said, "Sorry Father, but I was so damned impressed!" "Please Paddy," said Father O'Reilly, "no more profanity!" "Right you are Father," said Paddy, "but I was so impressed that I put $10,000 in the collection plate." To which Father O'Reilly replied, "Well I'll be damned!"
Murphy decides to become a monk and join an Irish monastery. The abbot cautions Murphy that it is a difficult life full of many sacrifices and strict rules. One of the rules is the vow of silence; each monk is allowed to speak only two words every 10 years. Ten hard years pass and Murphy is called before the abbot and asked what he has to say. "Food bad." says Murphy, using his two words. "Yes, my son," replies the abbot, "it is a difficult calling which you have chosen. Another 10 years pass and again Murphy is allowed to speak. "Bed hard." says Murphy. Again the abbot reminds Murphy about his commitment to self sacrifice. After 10 more years of hard work and penance Murphy is again allowed to speak. "I quit." says Murphy. "I'm not surprised," says the abbot, "all you do is complain."
O'Toole was standing outside his Boston home when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." O'Toole, after recovering from the shock said, "Lord, build a bridge to Ireland so I can drive over anytime I want to visit the old country." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." So O'Toole thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make my wife truly happy." And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Flynn is a cop in New York City. As he is walking his beat he sees a man about to jump to his death into the East River. "Don't jump," Flynn shouts, "think of all the wonderful years ahead of you!" The man yells back, "They will be terrible, just like the past. I'm gonna jump!" "Wait," says the cop, "think of your dear sainted mother!" "She's dead, and so is my dad," replies the man. "Then think of your darling wife and children!" exclaims Flynn. "She left and took the kids with her!" screams the jumper. Trying once again, Flynn pleads, "Then think of good St. Patrick!" To which the man asks, "Who is St. Patrick?" "Ah," says Flynn, "you heathen fool, why don't you just go on and jump."
Just before the Christmas break Mrs. O’Brian asked her students how they celebrated Christmas.
She calls first on young Patrick O'Flaherty. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?”
Patrick addresses the class: "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing carols.
Then we come home very late and we hang up our pillowcases at the foot of the bed.
Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," the teacher says. "Now, Katy Murphy, what do you do at Christmas?"
"My sisters and I go to church with Mum and Dad, and we also sing carols. When we get home,
we put biscuits and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for
Santa Claus to bring our presents." "That's also very nice, Katy," said Mrs. O’Brian.
Wanting to be inclusive Mrs. O’Brian next asked Jacob Goldberg, the lone Jewish child in her class,
“Jacob, what do you do at Christmas?” "Well, we also sing carols," Jacob responds.
Mrs. O’Brian, surprised by the answer, questions Jacob further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office and we all pile into the Rolls Royce
and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing,
'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Casey: “Being a Christian is grand.”
Flynn: “To be sure it is, but why do mention it.”
Casey: “When Jesus is born you get gifts and when he dies you get chocolate.”
The man was immaculately dressed. Kitted out more for the Ritz than the street. But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead. Are there any witnesses?” asked patrolman Muldoon. “He threw himself off the roof.” Said a bystander. “Does anyone here know the man?” Asked Muldoon. “I do.” Replied Jack Quinn. “We should get a man of the cloth to offer the last rites. What religion is he?” asked Muldoon. “Catholic, Protestant, Jewish?” “Nothing at all,” said Quinn. 'He's an atheist." “What a shame,” said Muldoon. “All dressed up and nowhere to go!”
Father O’Brien is hearing confessions one Saturday afternoon at All Saints Catholic Church when a drunk staggers into the confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”
Did you hear about the man who went to the races and while there he observed a Catholic Priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race. Before the next race he saw the Priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race. So the guy said to himself if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race. The guy was devastated, so he went over to the priest and said what is your game? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on it's nose! What is going on? The priest replied, "You are a Protestant are'nt you?" And the guy admitted that he was, but asked, "How did you know that?" The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look my son, look what I've created.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I’ve put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. The Archangel inquired, "And what's that green dot there?" God replied "Ah, that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights, and poets, singers, and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.” Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, "Hold on a second, what about the balance? You said there was going to be a balance.” God replied wisely. "Just wait until they meet the neighbors I'm going to give them."
Paddy suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" Paddy said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." Paddy replied, "Right, send the bill to my brother-in-law".
One Sunday morning, Father O'Toole noticed little Timmy Malone standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. The plaque was inscribed with many names. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Father O'Toole walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Timmy." "Good morning Father O'Toole," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" The Priest said, "Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Timmy’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:00 o’clock or the 10:30?"
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his parish in Co. Cork. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called Councilman Danaher’s office for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is councilman Danaher, how might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?" Councilman Danaher, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father it was always my impression that you people of the cloth took care of last rites!" There was silence on the line for a short moment. Father O’Malley then replied, "Aye, and true it is, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Murphy was in New York for the first time. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The officer would stop the flow of traffic and shout, "Okay pedestrians". Then he’d allow the cars to pass. He’d done this several times, and Murphy still stood on the sidewalk. After the officer had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Always it’s the pedestrians, is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Three friends from the local parish were asked by Father Clancy, "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Mick said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Pat commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives." Sean said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!"
Father Sullivan woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, and decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Sullivan headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Patrick leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Sullivan hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Patrick was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Muldoon went to Mass one Sunday morning, and Fr. Ryan almost fainted when he saw him, since Muldoon had never been seen in church in all of his adult life. After Mass, Fr. Ryan approached Muldoon and said, “Muldoon, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you decide to attend after all these years?” Muldoon said, “I have to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really love that hat. I knew that Sullivan had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that Sullivan came to your church every Sunday. I also knew that Sullivan had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after your sermon, and steal Sullivan’s hat.” Fr. Ryan replied, “Well, Muldoon,, I notice that you didn’t steal Sullivan’s hat. So, what changed your mind?” Muldoon said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t want to steal Sullivan’s hat.” Fr. Ryan gave Muldoon a big smile and said, “So, I’m assuming that after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than to burn in hell?” Murphy shook his head negatively and said, “No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.”
Paddy had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a high peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death. "Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?" Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice: "I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Paddy. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!" Paddy pondered for a while, and then said, "Lord, I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?"
Brothers Pat and Mick O’Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete jerks the both of ‘em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters. Finally Mick up and dies, and Pat pays a visit to Father Murphy. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You’ll be givin’ the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say, "Mick O’Malley was truly a saint." "I’ll do no such a thing. T’would be a lie!" Exclaimed the Priest. "I know you will," says Pat. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don’t say those words, I’ll foreclose." The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you’ll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Pat, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, Father Murphy begins the eulogy: "Mick O’Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, miserly, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother Pat, Mick O’Malley was truly a saint."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of Irish whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and asks, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'".
A healing Preacher came to town and there was a long line to see him. After some time it was our man Paddy’s turn. The Preacher asked, “Why are you visiting me today? Paddy said, “It’s about me hearing.” So, the Preacher man grabbed Paddy’s ears and said a prayer. When the Preacher finished talking to God, he let go of Paddy’s ears, and asked, "How’s your hearing now." “I don’t know…it’s not ‘till Friday.”
William, a Protestant, and Sean, a Catholic, have been best friends for a long time, but one day William came home a bloody mess. William's wife asked, "What in heaven's name happened to you?" "I was making fun of the Pope," said William, "and Sean gave me this terrible lickin'." "Why would you make fun of the Pope, you know that Sean is Catholic." "Sure," said William, "I knew that Sean is Catholic, but I didn't know about the Pope."
Paddy is rushing from coach to coach on the Dublin bound train. As he enters each coach he exclaims “I have an emergency! Is there a Catholic Priest on board this train?” In each coach the answer is no. So he tries again, with great urgency asking “Is there a Protestant Minister on board this train?” After several rejections a man speaks out, “Maybe I can be of assistance in your time of need, I am a Baptist Preacher.” “No, you wouldn’t do at all, not at all.” Replies Paddy, “We’re looking for a corkscrew!”
Did you know that Jesus Christ is Irish? Sure, He’s 30 years old, lives at home with his parents, has 12 drinking buddies, loves to tell a good story and His mother thinks He’s God.
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the convent had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR
Old Patrick O'Reilly is on his deathbed. He calls his oldest son to his bedside. "Danny, you wouldn't deny yer poor old father his last request, now would you?" "No, of course not, Da! Anything!" "Well then, I want you to run over and fetch the Protestant minister across the way so I can convert." "No, Da! You're not thinkin' right! I canna' do it!" "Son, you said you'd do anything, so mind me now and get him here, I haven't much time." The son leaves and gets the minister out of his chambers and brings him to his father's bedside. Meanwhile, the parish priest gets wind of what's going on and rushes over, just in time to meet the minister coming down the steps. "You're too late, Padre. He's a Protestant now." The priest rushes to O’Reilly’s side. "Paddy! Why'd ya' do it, man?!?" The old man smiles and says, "Father, I just figured if there was any dyin' to be done this night, better it be one of them, than one of us!"
The other day I was sitting in Dr. Sullivan's office when Sister Mary came running out of the exam room, screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill--just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there? Poor Sister Mary was hysterical!" Dr. Sullivan replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant." "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!" said the nurse. "To be sure it is," replied Dr. Sullivan, "But it sure cured her hiccups."
Bloody and bruised Mick comes home after a night on the town with his best friend Paddy. Kate, his wife exclaims, "Mick, whatever happened to you?!" "I got into a terrible fight with Paddy." "But why would you fight with Paddy?" asked Kate. "Paddy is your oldest and dearest friend!" "Right," says Mick, "I was making fun of the Pope." "But Mick," says Kate, "you know very well that Paddy is a devout Catholic." "Sure," says Mick, "I know all about Paddy; I just didn't know about the Pope."
The people at Guinness Irish Stout managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Guinness official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Guinness is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily stout.'" The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," says the Guinness man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $250 million." "My son, as I said, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed." The Guinness guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Guinness respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily stout.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder Bread account!"
Mrs. Malone, and several other ladies in her parish, count the Sunday church donations every Monday morning. When she came home early, Mr. Malone asked, "Maureen, why are you so early?" She replied, "Everyone showed up this week, so we didn’t have anyone to talk about."
Flanagan, who hadn't attended church in years, suddenly began faithfully attending Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. Pastor McMahon was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said Flanagan, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than her's."
Séamus played rugby every Sunday afternoon, which troubled his wife. She asked Father Donovan, “Is it a sin for me husband to play rugby on Sunday?” “'Tis not a sin,” the priest replied, “but the way he plays, ‘tis a crime!”
Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he hated the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this. Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again took aim at the English. He took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever again presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain, I will have to suspend you." "Bishop, forgive me, 'twill not happen again." All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day. Then, Father Patrick, while celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, he recounted the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple. "And Matthew asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?' 'No, Matthew, it's not you.' And Peter asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?' 'No, Peter, it's not you.' And Judas asked, 'BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?'"
Father Sullivan’s Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. O’Malley, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. O’Malley, that is very unusual. Please tell the congregation how a person cannot have a single enemy in the world?" Mrs. O’Malley sweetly replied, "I’m ninety-three-years-old and I outlived every one of those witches."
Mick was leaving church on Easter Sunday. Father Sullivan, who was standing at the door to shake hands with the parishioners, grabbed Mick by the hand and pulled him aside. Father Sullivan said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” Mick replied, “Thank you for the invitation, but I am already in the Army of the Lord.” Father Sullivan asks, “Then why don’t I see you except at Christmas and Easter?” Mick whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Old Pastor O’Malley, speaking to the new younger parish priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." Young Father Sullivan nodded. "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to new ideas." "Those ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested young Father Sullivan, "confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "True," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
Preacher Doherty explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within his small, but enthusiastic congregation. Almost everyone wants him to stay. Timothy O’Brien, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If Reverend Doherty stays, I will provide him with a new car and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Mick Gallagher, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher will stay, I'll personally double his salary.” More applause. Maggie Boyle, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If Reverend Doherty stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Boyle, whatever possessed you to say such a thing?" Maggie's husband Seamus is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked me Seamus how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher.’”
Counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a green envelope containing $1000 in cash. It happened week after week. One Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw little old Mrs. Doyle put the distinctive green envelope in the plate. After the service, he approached her and said, “Mrs. Doyle, I couldn't help notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” "Why yes," she replied. "Every week me son Danny sends me cash, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" Mrs. Doyle replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "Danny is a veterinarian." "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does Danny practice?" Mrs. Doyle said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Murphy was getting more than a little peeved with the frequent visits they were getting from his wife’s two nephews, who were both Jesuit priests. She was in the habit of wining and dining them royally and this morning she forced Murphy to kill his two finest chickens for the Jesuits’ lunch. After lunch, the two men of the cloth accompanied Murphy on a tour of the farmyard. When they came upon the chicken coup, one of the priests remarked, “That’s a very proud looking rooster.” Murphy, still annoyed about losing his chickens for the lunch meal, replied sarcastically, “Is it any wonder and he with two fine sons in the Jesuits.”
Father O’Reilly told his congregation, “Anyone who has a special need and wants to be prayed over, please come forward.” So, Seamus got in line and when it was his turn, Father O’Reilly asked, “Seamus, what is your special need?” Seamus replied, “Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” So, the priest put his hands on Seamus’s ears and then prayed and prayed and prayed with the whole congregation joining with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, Father O’Reilly removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Seamus, how is your hearing?” Seamus replied, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”
Maggie never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. Father Sullivan was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter Maggie was there every Sunday. Three months later the pastor asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough?" Maggie replied, “It's this new car of mine, they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”
Young Danny was waiting outside the grocery store while his mother shopped. While he was waiting, he was approached by a man who asked him, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” Danny replied, “Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “By the way, I’m Father Sullivan, the new pastor at St. Kevin's. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.” Danny replied, “Right, you must be joking. You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”
Sister Mary asked her students, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" Paddy replied, "Aren't those the sins we could have committed, and now regret that we didn’t?”
Erin told Mick, “If you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!” Mick asked, “Does it upset you that much?” Erin replied, “It’s not just me, it annoys the entire congregation.”
Paddy entered the confessional at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. Father Donovan asked, “Do you have any confessions?” Paddy replied, “I did something Father, but I am not sure if it was a sin.” Father Donovan inquired, “Did you enjoy it?” “Yes, Father, I did,” Paddy replied. “It was a sin. Make your confession.”
Father Sean Murphy tells his friend, Rabbi Benjamin Goldberg, that he has found an excellent way to eat for free in really fine restaurants. The rabbi is interested, so the priest explains how his plan works. “I simply go into the restaurant at well past 9 in the evening, I slowly eat several courses, then I linger over coffee, dessert, drinks and smoke a cigar.” The rabbi is fascinated by this, and priest continues. “Eventually a waiter informs me that they are closing and asks me to pay my bill. I reply, “I have already paid my original waiter, who has left for the night.” Because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door of the restaurant as calm as ever.” Rabbi Goldberg, who is clearly impressed says, “What a brilliant plan. Let’s try it together this evening.” The priest agrees and later that night they visit an expensive, 5-star, restaurant. The priest and the rabbi both eat and drink like kings until 2am when a waiter comes over and hands them the bill and asks them to pay. Father Murphy calmly says to the waiter, “We have already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening.” Then, much to the priest’s surprise, Rabbi Goldberg adds, “And we are still waiting for the change!”
Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he hated the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this. Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again took aim at the English. He took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend you." "My Lord, forgive me, 'twill not happen again." All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day, Father Patrick was celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple.And Matthew asked, “LORD, IS IT ME?”"No, Matthew, it's not you."And Peter asked, “LORD, IS IT ME?”"No, Peter, it's not you." And Judas asked, “BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?”
The parish was bequeathed a domesticated ass from the estate of a deceased parishioner. Pastor O’Connor noticed that this donkey was incredibly fast, so he entered it in the Irish Derby and won. The local paper printed: PASTOR’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. Bishop Sullivan was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered Father O’Connor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper printed: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for Bishop Sullivan, so he ordered Father O’Connor to get rid of the donkey. Father O’Connor decided to give it to Sister Mary-Kate, a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper printed: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. Bishop Sullivan fainted. He informed Sister Mary-Kate that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for €10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR €10. This was too much for the Bishop Sullivan, so he ordered Sister Mary-Kate to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Bishop Sullivan was buried the next day.
Two Irish nuns from the remote Wicklow Mountains where assigned to the US. Sister Maggie said to Sister Brigid, "I heard that Americans actually eat dogs." "Odd," Sister Brigid replied, "But if we shall live in the United States, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, Sister Maggie pointed to a hot dog stand and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said Sr. Brigid. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. The nuns walked over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. Sr. Maggie was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
One morning a man using crutches hobbled into St. Patrick’s Church. He stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some on each leg, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Father O’Grady,” the altar boy exclaimed. “A man just walked into the church on crutches, splashed holy water on both legs, then threw his crutches away!” “Lad, you have just witnessed a miracle,” said Father O’Grady. “Tell me, where is this man now?” “Flat on his arse over by the holy water.”
As soon as she had finished parochial school in Ireland, Molly made her way to New York, where before long she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. Molly explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were old Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. O’Malley. They witnessed Molly’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one exclaimed to the other, “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”
Seamus O’Sullivan was hired to repair the worn out roof at an old Catholic Church. As Seamus peeked through one of the holes in the roof he saw little old Mrs. O’Donnell kneeling by the altar praying. Seamus thought he would be funny, so with best authoritative voice and said, “This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered.” Well, Mrs. O’Donnell didn’t even blink, she just kept on praying. Seamus decided that maybe she didn’t hear him, and so he tried again. “This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!” Again, Mrs. O’Donnell didn’t react at all. Seamus decided to try again, only this time, he said it much more loudly. “THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!” Agitated by the distractions, old Mrs. O’Donnell finally replied, “SHUT YOUR GOB! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!”
Miss O’Leary is a lovely little old Irish spinster from Cork. The old priest at her Catholic church had retired, and was replaced by a much younger one. After Mass one Sunday, she went up to the new priest and said, “I have to tell you Father, your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure, we didn’t know what sin was till you came to the parish!”
Two nuns were out for a drive in rural Ireland when they ran out of gas. Fortunately they were able walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sisters," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry the gas in is an old bed pan." The nuns agreed that the bed pan would be fine. They returned to their car and as they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man driving by stopped his car. He said, "Oh sisters, if only I had your faith."
One Sunday Father O'Malley was preaching against the evils of alcohol when he added a visual demonstration to his fire and brimstone lecture. He filled a glass with whiskey into which he dropped a wiggling worm. The worm quickly stopped moving and died. The preacher asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" "Father," said Paddy, "I learned that if you drink whiskey, you will not have worms."
One evening, while in her convent, Sister Mary Kate opened a letter from home. Inside the letter from her parents was a $100.00 bill; Sister Mary Kate smiled at the kind gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post on the street below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Mary Kate," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100.00 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Mary Kate was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100.00 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair ran first in the fourth at Belmont and paid 80-to-1."
Father Murphy was walking down the street when a well dressed man got out of brand new Mercedes, rushed up to him and shook his hand. "Father Murphy, my name is Paddy Sullivan a I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart." "Oh?" said Father Murphy. 'Why's that?' "It's like this," said Paddy. "Three years ago I was on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce when I went to one of your sermons about temperance. It was the one about the alcoholic who spent all his money in the pub while his wife and children went about barefoot, but the family of the pub owner are dressed in the finest silks and linens." "Ah, yes, I remember that one well," said Father Murphy. "Are you telling me that you gave up the drink there and then and turned to the narrow path of righteousness, is that it?" "Not at all," replied Paddy. "I'm telling you that opened a pub."
Muldoon lived alone in an Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon was beside himself with grief. He went to the Parish Priest and said, "Father, me dog is dead! Cana Ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Quinn replied "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church but there are some Baptists that just moved in down the lane and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature.” Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, and Father do you think 10,000 Euro is enough to donate for the service?” Father Quinn exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. One of the drunks shouts, "Hey, give us a kiss, ya penguins." Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya little eejits, before I come over there and rip off yer heads." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior and quite innocently asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Mary and Kathleen are two church members who are going door to door inviting the neighbors to Easter Service. One crotchety old man told them in no uncertain terms that he did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To his surprise the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. He tried again to slam the door with the same result, the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, he reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when Kathleen said, "Mister, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Three married couples, including Sean and Mary Kate want to join a congregation so they met with the minister. The minister informs the couples that to join his church they must be successful in putting God before their own desires. The test is that they must abstain from sex for two weeks. If they pass the test they would welcomed into the church. The couples agree to the conditions and schedule to meet with the minister in two week's time. "How did it go?" The minister asked the first couple. They responded, "It was easy, we made it without too much trouble." "Welcome to the church." Says the minister. The husband of the second couple said "It was tough." And his wife added that they had to spend a few nights in separate rooms, but in the end we made it." "Welcome to the church." Says the minister. "How about you?" the priest asks Sean and Mary Kate. "We didn't make it." Responded Mary Kate. "If you don't mind me asking, what happened?" asked the minister. "Well," said Sean, "it was during the second week. Mary Kate was reaching for a can of beans off the shelf. I couldn't help myself, right then and there, well you know." "Unfortunately," said the minister, "this means you are not welcome into our church." "I know." sighs Mary Kate, "We are not welcome back to the grocery store either."
Paddy, as drunk as can be, is stumbling through the woods taking the short cut home from the pub. After a short distance he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river, so he proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks Paddy, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" Paddy shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Paddy replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Paddy answers again, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks Paddy again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds until Paddy begins trashing his arms and legs about. The exasperated preacher again asks Paddy, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" Paddy staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Before performing the christening of Paddy's baby, Father Reilly asked him solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?" "I think I am father," Paddy replied. "Mary has made a big buffet spread and her mother baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests." "That's not what I meant," Father Reilly responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "To be sure I am," Paddy replied. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Dirty, rotten Mick O'Sullivan lived the life of a scoundrel however after his violent death he finds himself standing outside the gates of Heaven! Saint Peter stands before Mick and says "Welcome, Mick. We have been waiting for you." Now, Mick is confused. He says to Saint Peter, "I got into Heaven? Really? No offense, but I was a dirty, rotten, son of a biscuit." Saint Peter smiles and says, "It is not my position to question the will of God. Are you ready to come in?" Mick continues and says, "There has to be some kind of mistake. I was a swindler. I swindled nearly every person I've ever met." Saint Peter nods and says, "Again, it is not my position to question the will of God." Mick continues and says, "I was a murderer! I've murdered countless people; many of them were good innocent folks." Saint Peter, getting frustrated, says, "I was told to let you in. I didn't ask why. Not my choice in the matter." Mick is stunned and continues, "I was a rapist. I raped people. Are you telling me they let swindling, murdering rapists into Heaven?" Saint Peter says to Mick, angrily, "You don't think we already know all that? Are you coming in or not?" Mick thinks and says, "I really don't think that heaven can be so great if you let people like me inside." To which Saint Peter responds, "Fine! You can go to Hell." Then he snaps his fingers and sends Mick straight to Hell. Mick finds himself among a crowd. Up on a craggy cliff, Satan appears, and bellows out to the terrified masses below, "Welcome, unrepentant sinners, to eternal damnation...wait a minute, is that Mick O'Sullivan? Who in hell let in that dirty, rotten, son of a biscuit!? You ask God for ONE favor...."
Paddy is kneeling in front of the altar in church praying to God for a million dollars. After a short while another guy kneels besides him and starts praying out loud for $100.00. Paddy is annoyed by the competing request so he shoves $100.00 into the man's hand and tells him to get lost. As the astonished guy leaves the church Paddy looks up toward the heavens and asks, "Can we now concentrate on me?"
Mary Malone visits her priest, Father Flynn and tells him, "Father Flynn, I have a problem. I inherited two female parrots from my foul mouth uncle Mick and they only know to say one thing." "What do they say?" asked Father Flynn. "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he said, "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to the parish rectory and we'll put them in the cage with Patrick and Kevin. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that ugly phrase in no time." The next day, Mary brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Paddy, our prayers have been answered!!!"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
Old Mrs. O'Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. "Sure", said the clerk, "and in what denomination would you be wantin' them?" "Oh my", sighed Mrs. O'Malley, "has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant."
It had been many years since Sean Foley had been to church, but one day he decided that it was time to renew his faith and he figured that he should start with a long overdue confession. As he entered the confessional box he was amazed to see a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the wall was a dazzling array of Irish whiskey and cigars. In a short time Father McGuire walks in and Sean says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." Father McGuire looks at Sean and barks "Get out. You're on my side."
One fine afternoon Father Murphy runs into his old colleague Father Sullivan. "I haven't seen you in a couple of years," Says Father Murphy. "How are you gettin on?" "Best in years," says Sullivan, "I've left the priesthood and I am now a mortician." "But why did you leave and why did you become a mortician?" asks Father Murphy. "It was getting too depressing for me," replied Sullivan. "I'd counsel the addicted and they would remain addicted. I'd give guidance to troubled married couples and they would get divorced. I wasn't helping anyone at all, so I became a mortician. Now when I straighten them out, they stay straightened out!"
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "I was ashamed to...Sniff, sniff....Da....I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, da-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a new home plus a €1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute daddy. sniff, sniff." "Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Now come here and give yer old father a hug!"
After church one fine Sunday morning Paddy stopped to shake Father O'Reilly's hand. Paddy said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' Father O'Reilly replied, "Thank you Paddy, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity, we are in the house of our Lord." Paddy said, "Sorry Father, but I was so damned impressed!" "Please Paddy," said Father O'Reilly, "no more profanity!" "Right you are Father," said Paddy, "but I was so impressed that I put $10,000 in the collection plate." To which Father O'Reilly replied, "Well I'll be damned!"
Murphy decides to become a monk and join an Irish monastery. The abbot cautions Murphy that it is a difficult life full of many sacrifices and strict rules. One of the rules is the vow of silence; each monk is allowed to speak only two words every 10 years. Ten hard years pass and Murphy is called before the abbot and asked what he has to say. "Food bad." says Murphy, using his two words. "Yes, my son," replies the abbot, "it is a difficult calling which you have chosen. Another 10 years pass and again Murphy is allowed to speak. "Bed hard." says Murphy. Again the abbot reminds Murphy about his commitment to self sacrifice. After 10 more years of hard work and penance Murphy is again allowed to speak. "I quit." says Murphy. "I'm not surprised," says the abbot, "all you do is complain."
O'Toole was standing outside his Boston home when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." O'Toole, after recovering from the shock said, "Lord, build a bridge to Ireland so I can drive over anytime I want to visit the old country." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." So O'Toole thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make my wife truly happy." And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Flynn is a cop in New York City. As he is walking his beat he sees a man about to jump to his death into the East River. "Don't jump," Flynn shouts, "think of all the wonderful years ahead of you!" The man yells back, "They will be terrible, just like the past. I'm gonna jump!" "Wait," says the cop, "think of your dear sainted mother!" "She's dead, and so is my dad," replies the man. "Then think of your darling wife and children!" exclaims Flynn. "She left and took the kids with her!" screams the jumper. Trying once again, Flynn pleads, "Then think of good St. Patrick!" To which the man asks, "Who is St. Patrick?" "Ah," says Flynn, "you heathen fool, why don't you just go on and jump."
Just before the Christmas break Mrs. O’Brian asked her students how they celebrated Christmas.
She calls first on young Patrick O'Flaherty. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?”
Patrick addresses the class: "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing carols.
Then we come home very late and we hang up our pillowcases at the foot of the bed.
Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," the teacher says. "Now, Katy Murphy, what do you do at Christmas?"
"My sisters and I go to church with Mum and Dad, and we also sing carols. When we get home,
we put biscuits and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for
Santa Claus to bring our presents." "That's also very nice, Katy," said Mrs. O’Brian.
Wanting to be inclusive Mrs. O’Brian next asked Jacob Goldberg, the lone Jewish child in her class,
“Jacob, what do you do at Christmas?” "Well, we also sing carols," Jacob responds.
Mrs. O’Brian, surprised by the answer, questions Jacob further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office and we all pile into the Rolls Royce
and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing,
'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Casey: “Being a Christian is grand.”
Flynn: “To be sure it is, but why do mention it.”
Casey: “When Jesus is born you get gifts and when he dies you get chocolate.”
The man was immaculately dressed. Kitted out more for the Ritz than the street. But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead. Are there any witnesses?” asked patrolman Muldoon. “He threw himself off the roof.” Said a bystander. “Does anyone here know the man?” Asked Muldoon. “I do.” Replied Jack Quinn. “We should get a man of the cloth to offer the last rites. What religion is he?” asked Muldoon. “Catholic, Protestant, Jewish?” “Nothing at all,” said Quinn. 'He's an atheist." “What a shame,” said Muldoon. “All dressed up and nowhere to go!”
Father O’Brien is hearing confessions one Saturday afternoon at All Saints Catholic Church when a drunk staggers into the confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”
Did you hear about the man who went to the races and while there he observed a Catholic Priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race. Before the next race he saw the Priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race. So the guy said to himself if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race. The guy was devastated, so he went over to the priest and said what is your game? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on it's nose! What is going on? The priest replied, "You are a Protestant are'nt you?" And the guy admitted that he was, but asked, "How did you know that?" The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look my son, look what I've created.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I’ve put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. The Archangel inquired, "And what's that green dot there?" God replied "Ah, that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights, and poets, singers, and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.” Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, "Hold on a second, what about the balance? You said there was going to be a balance.” God replied wisely. "Just wait until they meet the neighbors I'm going to give them."
Paddy suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" Paddy said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." Paddy replied, "Right, send the bill to my brother-in-law".
One Sunday morning, Father O'Toole noticed little Timmy Malone standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. The plaque was inscribed with many names. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Father O'Toole walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Timmy." "Good morning Father O'Toole," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" The Priest said, "Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Timmy’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:00 o’clock or the 10:30?"
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his parish in Co. Cork. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called Councilman Danaher’s office for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is councilman Danaher, how might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?" Councilman Danaher, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father it was always my impression that you people of the cloth took care of last rites!" There was silence on the line for a short moment. Father O’Malley then replied, "Aye, and true it is, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Murphy was in New York for the first time. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The officer would stop the flow of traffic and shout, "Okay pedestrians". Then he’d allow the cars to pass. He’d done this several times, and Murphy still stood on the sidewalk. After the officer had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Always it’s the pedestrians, is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Three friends from the local parish were asked by Father Clancy, "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Mick said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Pat commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives." Sean said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!"
Father Sullivan woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, and decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Sullivan headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Patrick leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Sullivan hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Patrick was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Muldoon went to Mass one Sunday morning, and Fr. Ryan almost fainted when he saw him, since Muldoon had never been seen in church in all of his adult life. After Mass, Fr. Ryan approached Muldoon and said, “Muldoon, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you decide to attend after all these years?” Muldoon said, “I have to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really love that hat. I knew that Sullivan had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that Sullivan came to your church every Sunday. I also knew that Sullivan had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after your sermon, and steal Sullivan’s hat.” Fr. Ryan replied, “Well, Muldoon,, I notice that you didn’t steal Sullivan’s hat. So, what changed your mind?” Muldoon said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t want to steal Sullivan’s hat.” Fr. Ryan gave Muldoon a big smile and said, “So, I’m assuming that after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than to burn in hell?” Murphy shook his head negatively and said, “No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.”
Paddy had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a high peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death. "Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?" Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice: "I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Paddy. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!" Paddy pondered for a while, and then said, "Lord, I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?"
Brothers Pat and Mick O’Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete jerks the both of ‘em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters. Finally Mick up and dies, and Pat pays a visit to Father Murphy. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You’ll be givin’ the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say, "Mick O’Malley was truly a saint." "I’ll do no such a thing. T’would be a lie!" Exclaimed the Priest. "I know you will," says Pat. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don’t say those words, I’ll foreclose." The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you’ll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Pat, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, Father Murphy begins the eulogy: "Mick O’Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, miserly, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother Pat, Mick O’Malley was truly a saint."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of Irish whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and asks, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'".
A healing Preacher came to town and there was a long line to see him. After some time it was our man Paddy’s turn. The Preacher asked, “Why are you visiting me today? Paddy said, “It’s about me hearing.” So, the Preacher man grabbed Paddy’s ears and said a prayer. When the Preacher finished talking to God, he let go of Paddy’s ears, and asked, "How’s your hearing now." “I don’t know…it’s not ‘till Friday.”
William, a Protestant, and Sean, a Catholic, have been best friends for a long time, but one day William came home a bloody mess. William's wife asked, "What in heaven's name happened to you?" "I was making fun of the Pope," said William, "and Sean gave me this terrible lickin'." "Why would you make fun of the Pope, you know that Sean is Catholic." "Sure," said William, "I knew that Sean is Catholic, but I didn't know about the Pope."
Paddy is rushing from coach to coach on the Dublin bound train. As he enters each coach he exclaims “I have an emergency! Is there a Catholic Priest on board this train?” In each coach the answer is no. So he tries again, with great urgency asking “Is there a Protestant Minister on board this train?” After several rejections a man speaks out, “Maybe I can be of assistance in your time of need, I am a Baptist Preacher.” “No, you wouldn’t do at all, not at all.” Replies Paddy, “We’re looking for a corkscrew!”
Did you know that Jesus Christ is Irish? Sure, He’s 30 years old, lives at home with his parents, has 12 drinking buddies, loves to tell a good story and His mother thinks He’s God.
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the convent had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served congregations in a remote area in Montana. They would get together every couple of weeks for coffee and talk shop. One day, one of them made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a grizzly bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, whose arm is in a sling, on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a grizzly and when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Holy Communion and Confirmation."
Next Reverend Billy Bob, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts spoke from his wheelchair. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
Father Flannery and the Reverend Billy Bob both looked down at Rabbi Jacob, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. Rabbi Jacob looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start!"
MacDonald, who is wholly atheist, was spending a quiet day fishing on Loch Ness when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As MacDonald sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!” At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the Scott hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on God, give me a break!!” MacDonald pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”Old Patrick O'Reilly is on his deathbed. He calls his oldest son to his bedside. "Danny, you wouldn't deny yer poor old father his last request, now would you?" "No, of course not, Da! Anything!" "Well then, I want you to run over and fetch the Protestant minister across the way so I can convert." "No, Da! You're not thinkin' right! I canna' do it!" "Son, you said you'd do anything, so mind me now and get him here, I haven't much time." The son leaves and gets the minister out of his chambers and brings him to his father's bedside. Meanwhile, the parish priest gets wind of what's going on and rushes over, just in time to meet the minister coming down the steps. "You're too late, Padre. He's a Protestant now." The priest rushes to O’Reilly’s side. "Paddy! Why'd ya' do it, man?!?" The old man smiles and says, "Father, I just figured if there was any dyin' to be done this night, better it be one of them, than one of us!"
The other day I was sitting in Dr. Sullivan's office when Sister Mary came running out of the exam room, screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill--just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there? Poor Sister Mary was hysterical!" Dr. Sullivan replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant." "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!" said the nurse. "To be sure it is," replied Dr. Sullivan, "But it sure cured her hiccups."
Bloody and bruised Mick comes home after a night on the town with his best friend Paddy. Kate, his wife exclaims, "Mick, whatever happened to you?!" "I got into a terrible fight with Paddy." "But why would you fight with Paddy?" asked Kate. "Paddy is your oldest and dearest friend!" "Right," says Mick, "I was making fun of the Pope." "But Mick," says Kate, "you know very well that Paddy is a devout Catholic." "Sure," says Mick, "I know all about Paddy; I just didn't know about the Pope."
The people at Guinness Irish Stout managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Guinness official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Guinness is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily stout.'" The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," says the Guinness man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $250 million." "My son, as I said, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed." The Guinness guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Guinness respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily stout.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder Bread account!"
