An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman Jokes

Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when a British tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn. "I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Castle?" "I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the limey comes back up the road. I say, my good man, there's a stream crossing this road. Is it safe to cross it in my car?" Farmer Murphy says, "Right, I should think you'll be fine." And the limey drives off again. Farmer Murphy goes back to his business, he's working away and slowly becomes aware of a sloshing, dripping, stomping sound getting louder. He looks up. It's the limey. He does not look happy! "I say!" the limey rants, "you told me it was safe to cross that stream." “I did that." "Well, I nearly drowned! That stream is deep enough to completely cover my car!" Farmer Murphy has himself a smile and replies, "That's odd. It only comes halfway up on the ducks."

Paddy returned home to Ireland from watching a rugby match between Ireland and England. At the pub, Paddy told the lads, “It was a savage competition, nothing short of brutal. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!” Mick said, “He must have been in agony.” “Not at all,” replied Paddy. “It belonged to one of the Englishmen.”

An Englishman, Scotsman, and yer man Paddy were boasting about how famous their uncles are. "My uncle is a bishop," said the Englishman, "and when he walks down the street, everybody says, 'Your Lordship.'" "My uncle is a cardinal," said the Scotsman, "and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'Your Eminence.'" "Dat’s nothing,” says Paddy. “My uncle weighs twenty-nine stone, and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'God Almighty!'"

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three. As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?" The Father O’Malley tuts and shakes his head. The Scott chimes in and says, "God, Judas and the donkey?" This gets a great laugh from his companions, but the priest is unimpressed. He looks at Paddy, but he just shrugs and continues drinking. As the train went through a tunnel, the lights momentarily shut off, and in the darkness, the beautiful woman leaned over and passionately kissed the drunken Irishman. In his astonishment, Paddy blurts out, "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!!" As the lights go back on, Father O’Malley looks up and proudly says, "Well done lad, I knew you had it in you," and hands over the 50.

One afternoon, five American tourists in Ireland are taking in the sights when they see a sign that says, Sean’s Pub – All drinks 20 cents! In disbelief they enter the pub, thinking that this is too good to be true. Sean is standing behind the bar and in a gregarious voice says, “Welcome lads, let me pour you a drink.” After a couple of rounds, at only 20 cents per drink, their curiosity gets the best of them. Sean explains that he hit the Irish Lottery and quit his boring bookkeeping job to open the pub of his dreams. As the Americans lifted their pints, they couldn’t help noticing a group at the other end of the pub that hadn’t yet ordered a drop. One asked Sean, “What’s with them?” Sean replied, “Right, never mind them. That’s Angus and his crew from Scotland. They’re just waiting for happy hour.”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were discussing close races in the pub. "The closest race I ever saw," said the Scotsman, "was a horse race, in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the length of the swelling on his nose." "The closest race I ever saw," bragged the Englishman, "was a car race, in which one of drivers won by the breadth of a coat of paint." "Dat's nothing," said the Irishman. "The closest race I ever saw is the English."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and Paddy the Irishman were flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that due to the failure of one of the engines they were rapidly losing altitude and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others. "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" said the Scot and he jumped out. "We need to lose more weight," cried the captain, so the Welshman shouted as he jumped, "I do this for the glory of Wales!" "Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose more weight." "I do this for the glory of Ireland!" said Paddy the Irishman as he threw the Englishman from the plane.

Did you know? Copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen pulling on a penny.

An Englishman visiting Dublin took a taxi to see the city. The Englishman asked his driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Millennium Tower," replied the cabbie. How long did it take to build that?" "About 6 years," replied the cabbie."6 years? We build them twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long in London, and we do it in 1 year." A while later the cab driver passes another large building. "What's that building over there?" asked the Englishman. "That's the Burlington Hotel," replied the cabbie. “How long did it take to build that?" "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build hotels twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide in London, and it only takes us about 6 months." Soon after the now annoyed Irish cabbie drives past Dublin Castle. "What's that building there?" asks the Englishman, pointing at the castle. "Danged if I know," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by last week."

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit bashful, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But the young Scot again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Paddy Irishman and Angus the Scot met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each other’s back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. Paddy said, “Let’s have a drink like we did in the old days.” “Aye,” replied the Scotsman, “and don’t forget that this round is your shout.”

Why are there no chimney sweeps in Scotland? Why pay for something that Santa does every year for free?

Duncan Campbell applied to join the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, "How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?" "Well," replied Duncan thoughtfully, "I’m no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Scotland we announce that we are taking up a collection and start to pass the hat around. They soon begin to shuffle off."

After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the lottery, Mr. and Mrs. Stewart sat down to discuss their future. Mr. Stewart announced, "After twenty years of digging other people's ditches, I can throw my old shovel away at last." His wife agreed, "Of course you can, dear. We can now easily afford to buy you a new shovel."

At an pub in Glasgow a wealthy tourist announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the pub a Scot shouted, “I’ll give £150!”

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply. "Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist. "What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65." "What aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman. "Well it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism. It'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40." "Och that's still a bit much, how ab oot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin'?" The dentist replied, “Well OK it'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will a traumatic experience.” "Now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. "Can ye book the wee wife for next Wednesday?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting in a pub in America and the Scot says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs to a private room and see that you gets some real fun, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

A Englishman, a Scotsman and yer man Paddy Irishman are working in Saudi Arabia and they have smuggled in a case of whiskey. One day after work the Saudi police rush in and arrest them and they are each sentenced to 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping. The Scott was first in line; he thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the Scott had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Scott in horror he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly. Paddy was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," Paddy replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. Paddy smiled and said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."

Two Englishman, two Irishmen, and two Scotsmen are shipwrecked on an island. Within a month, the Irishmen are distilling whiskey, the Scots are selling it at their pub, and the Englishmen are drinking on opposite sides of the bar because they haven't yet been properly introduced.

An Englishman and a Scotsman were playing golf when the Englishman's ball hit Paddy, knocking him out cold. When Paddy came to, he said to the Englishman, "My injury will cost you five thousand pounds in compensation." "But I said fore," said the Englishman. "I'll take it," said Paddy.

An Englishman and an Irishman are in the hospital room in adjacent beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his oxygen mask and gasps, "Irish." The Englishman slowly adds, "My name's David." "Danny." Replies the Irishman. "Cancer." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest. Danny lifts away his oxygen mask replies, "Sagittarius."

An Englishman died and went to heaven.  When he got there he knocked long and hard on the door. St. Peter came out and asked his name. "You don't know my name?" the man said. "I'm the Duke of York!" he roared at St. Peter. St. Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. "Sorry," said St. Peter.  You're not on the list. "What do you mean I'm not on the list???" the man thundered. "Don't you not know who I am???" "As a matter of fact, I do," said St. Peter, "But your name is not on the list." "That's not good enough," said the man. "I'm a very important person. I should be on the list." St. Peter tries to explain that it's not easy to get into heaven, and that as an Englishman you have to be kind to the Irish. When the Duke hears this he starts to complain, so St. Peter says that if had he had been kind to the Irish in his lifetime there could have been a chance. "Well!" roared the Duke. "I'll have you know that I have been very good to the Irish. "Why, once I met an Irish beggar who had lost her leg in a confrontation with my security team and I gave her a pound.  And there was a time before when I met a young boy whose father had been killed by my troops and I have him a pound. Now, what do you say now, Mr. St. Peter???" St. Peter took a few notes on what he heard and he told the Duke to wait while he consulted St. Patrick for some advice.  About ten minutes later, St. Peter come out and said to the Duke, "Here's your two pounds back. Now you can go to hell."

An Englishman moved to a small town in Ireland, but died shortly after. Because the Englishman didn't have any friends or family, the local parish priest instructed a couple of the lads in his congregation to gather a collection so that the man could have a decent funeral. The lads entered the local pub and asked if anyone would donate 1 Euro to bury an Englishman. Danny stood up and handed them a 10 Euro note and said, "Burry ten of 'em."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scot picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking. And our Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU SON OF A BISCUIT!"

An Englishman, a Scot and our man Paddy Irishman die and find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the Englishman, “What is Easter?” The Englishman replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in America when the yanks all get together, eat turkey, and are thankful.” “Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Scot the same question, “What is Easter?”  The Scot replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”  St. Peter looks at the Scot, shakes his head in disgust, tells him he’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at Paddy and asks, “What is Easter?” Paddy smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. “Sur, I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then Paddy continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

An Englishman and a Scotsman each had a horse but they couldn't tell them apart. So the Englishman cut the tail off his horse and all went well for a while, but then the Scotsman's horse lost his tail in an accident so they were back where they started. Finally, they consulted an Irishman and he said, 'You two are a right pair of fools. Anyone can see that the black horse is three inches taller than the white horse.'

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman, each with an unsavory past, die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says, “In the Spirit of Christmas, if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission.” The Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle for the baby Jesus." St. Peter nods in approval and allows him entry. The Scot pulls out his keys and jingles them, St. Peter says, "What is that?" "Why, they are Jingle Bells for the infant Jesus!" the Scotsman states. Again, an approving nod from St. Peter. Finally, yer man Paddy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of lady’s panties. St. Peter is aghast and sternly asks, "What are those?" The Irishman candidly states "Those are Carols!"

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven. After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage?" “Oh, that’s easy,” the Irishman replies, “the Titanic.” So St. Patrick welcomes him into Heaven. Next he asks the Scot, “How many people died on that ship?” “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think that it was 1,500.”  St. Patrick steps aside and the Scot walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Patrick turns to the Englishman and says, “Name them.”

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful woman are riding together in a train. As the train goes through a tunnel it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! As train comes out of the tunnel the woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The Englishman is thinking, "Blast it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and in the darkness kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped." The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell. The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace, and the Scotsman was put in beside him burning away. The Irishman wound up in a lavish bedroom with a beautiful blond film star in his arms. "That's not fair," complained the Englishman and the Scotsman, "rewarding Paddy like that." "That's not the Irishman's reward," said the Devil. "That's the girl's punishment."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman took part in an international competition to see who had the greatest ability to endure foul smells. Each of them had to share a cage for as long as possible with an extremely smelly goat. The Irishman lasted three minutes, The Scotsman lasted four minutes. Then the Englishman went, in and after five minutes the goat came out.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.
"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labor, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.
The Scotsman was called in next and said, "I'll do the job for 60 million. That's 20 million for the labor, 20 million for the materials and 20 million for me."
"Right," said the Irishman who found out the Englishman's bid. "My bid is for 90 million. That's 30 million for you, 30 million for me, and we'll give the other 30 million to the Englishman to do the job."

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on their way to Heaven. God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps,
and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven. The Englishman went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so he could not enter Heaven. The Scot went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so he could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the Irishman’s turn. When he got to the 999th step, he started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”  “I know,” Paddy replied. “I just got the first one.”

Scottish Donal MacDonald, a first year student at an English university, was living in the hall of residence.  After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him, carrying reinforcements of haggis and oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donal?" she asked.  "Mother", he replied, "they’re such terribly loud people!  The one on that side keeps banging against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and curses away into the night!" "Oh Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! All I do sit here quietly playing my bagpipes."

An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and yer man Paddy Irishman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, “We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final request.” The Englishman responds, “I'd like to hear ‘God Save The Queen' just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.” The Scotsman replies, “I'd like to hear ‘Auld Lang Syne’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country, with Highland dancers skipping gaily to the tune.” The Welshman answers, “I'd like to hear ‘Men Of Harlech’ just one more time to remind me of lovely Wales, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”  Paddy says quickly, “I'd like to be shot first.”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening. “Will you lend me $10.00?” the Scotsman shouted to the Irishman. “You'll have to speak up a bit,” said the Irishman, “I can't hear a word you're saying with all the noise in here.” “Will you lend me $10.00?” screamed the Scotsman at the top of his voice. “It's no use,” said the Irishman, “I still cannot hear a word you're saying.” “Look,” said the Englishman, standing beside them, “I can hear him quite clearly.” “In that case,” said the Irishman, "you lend him the $10.00”.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were traveling by jumbo jet. The captain got worried that they were going to crash so he asked all the passengers to do something religious. The Englishman sang 'Nearer my God to thee'. The Irishman recited ‘The Lord's prayer'. The Scotsman took his cap off and went around and took up a collection.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the pub together. The Englishman spent $50.00, the Irishman spent $100.00 and the Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were boasting about how famous their uncles were. "My uncle is a bishop," said The Englishman, "and when he walks down the street, everybody says, 'Your Lordship.'" "My uncle is a cardinal," said The Scotsman, "and when he walks down The street everybody says, 'Your Eminence.'" "My uncle," said The Irishman, "weighs twenty-seven stone, and when he walks down the street everybody says, 'God Almighty!'"

Liam is in O'Sullivan's pub and he sees his Scottish friend Bruce sulking over his drink. "Bruce, why are you so blue?"  "Oh, me father died three months ago, he left me $10,000."  "Mick, I didn't know. My condolences."  "The next month me wee mother dies, leaving me $15,000." "That's sad."  Says Liam. "And just last month, me aunt Heather died, she left me $20,000." "Liam says, "It must be so hard for you, losing three close relatives in three months." "Tell me about it." Bruce replies, "This month I haven't gotten a single cent."

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?  He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Jackie darlin' put your hat and coat on lassie." She replied, "Awe Angus that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?" "Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."

One beautiful spring day Angus Campbell headed out for an afternoon of golf.  Standing on the green the Scot asked the boy standing beside him, "Are ye my caddie for today?"  "Aye," answered the boy.  "Are ye good in finding lost balls?"  "Oh yes sir, I find every lost ball!"  "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot, he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.