Irish Limericks at The Irish Gift House
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
who never had more than a penny.
He spent all that money
on onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
There was an old person of Down,
whose face was adorned with a frown.
When he opened the door,
for one minute or more,
he alarmed all the people in town.
There once was a man from Milan
Who lunched daily on slices of Spam
When asked “Are you mad?”
He replied “No I’m sad”
“As I’m down to my very last can.”
May all of your Christmas be very
Much more than the regular merry.
Though merry is good
There are times when you should
Find more 'neath the mistletoe berry.
While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral procession was a rife,
his head bowed in prayer
at this somber affair
to pay last respects to his wife!
The fireplace logs were ablaze
As old Santa emerged from the haze.
With his whiskers aflame,
He was sorry he came.
And he cried, "It's been one of those days!"
Your Christmas angel will be near,
In your heart though you may shed a tear.
Your memories of gold,
Will never grow old,
So celebrate with friends and a beer.
Its Christmas and the family's all here
For the kid's sake we'll put on some cheer
We light up a smile
Hide grief for awhile
And pray for a better New Year
Rudolph was getting into the groove,
Then decided to try out a new move.
He'd seen Lord of the Dance,
And began to prance,
Then Santa had something to prove.
Now with little time to spare
Santa can't find his thermal underwear.
An a open sleigh he must ride
And its so cold outside.
Although Rudolph doesn't seem to care.
An elf said to Santa, Oh Dear,
We've not enough presents this year
That made St. Nick think:
Now he'd given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
The turkey did not turn out fine.
So I thought I would break out the wine.
By dessert they were wasted
From the wine that they tasted
And they all thought the dinner divine.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as she found she had no tit for Tat.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
There was an old drunkard of Devon,
Who died and ascended to Heaven
But he cried, this is Hades-
There are no naughty ladies,
And the pubs are all shut by eleven.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so uncommonly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was a young lady of Nice,
Who insisted on bathing in grease.
She slid through the house
Tormenting her spouse
Til he hid in the oven for peace.
There was an old man named Bill
Who swallowed a nuclear pill
The doctor said cough
And that darn thing went off
And they found his head in Brazil
Saint Patrick would have never believed
How his memory would become perceived
In the Emerald Isle
They do it in style
With green outfits, green hats and green sleeves
When the world’s dressed up in their green
The brightest colors that you have seen
They are drinking good cheer
With green colored beer
It’s not dirty though, it’s clean.
I once met a monk who could inspire
When espousing his spiritual fire
And soon I had found
He was quite profound
In fact, you could call him a deep friar!
There was a man from the upper class
Who drank to the bottom of his glass.
He drank with his mule;
They said “what a fool”!
When he tripped and he fell on his ass.
When it comes to March Seventeen
Some towns dye their river green
People drink too much beer
And then act rather queer
Which causes a bit of a scene
An O’ can make Irish of thee
Just as easily as a Mc’D
So whatever your name
Play the St. Paddy’s Day game
And be Irish as Irish can be!
Brigit Kelly had mastered the jig.
For the contest, she’d wear a green wig.
When the music began,
The lass tripped on a can…
Now a green cast is her only gig!
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantookit
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
The following Limericks were submitted by friends of The Irish Gift House
There once was a man named Profaci
Who cooked all his food on a Hibachi
One day the food burned
And then the man learned
And moved up his Hibachi a notchi
Limericks are supposed to be fun
But I still can't seem to write one
I rather prefer haikus
There's nothing to lose
But I'd be over the moon if I won.
The Irish Gift House is great
They're the real deal, not fake
I went in for a glance
and I near wet my pants
for they even had Tayto and Flake
I went to the pub for a drink
A man said its Patty's day I think
So I pinched his arm
I really meant no harm
But now I'm sitting in the clink
There once was a lass named Pat
Who had three sons name Matt, Nat and Tat
Well, there was fun in the breeding
But when it came time for the feeding
She found there was no tit for Tat
A GIRL JOINED A MEN'S TEAM FOR LUCK
SHE WAS HOPING TO MEET A YOUNG BUCK
SHE THOUGHT "WOW MY NIGHT'S GONNA BE GOOD"
BUT SHE MISUNDERSTOOD
WHEN SHE HEARD HIM YELL "WATCH OUT FOR THE PUCK"
THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN WITH A PLAN
NO IT WASN'T TO GET HER A MAN
HER MAIN FOCUS, HER CAUSE
TO GET THROUGH MENOPAUSE
SO SHE COULD FINALLY TURN OFF THE FAN!
There once was a man in A-Z
Who was as Irish as one can be.
It has often been told
That he liked to spend his gold
At The Irish Gift Shop here in Tempe!
They say Patrick’s a Norse a Viking of course
But he left his dear homeland of Sweden
To live with the snakes
In the Isle of Lakes
In his life and his death he had Eden.
So Kerry and Andrew reached out
for some limericks here and about
but they never expected
to get so connected
with such an incorrigible lout!
It's fun to be Italian and Irish
Every dinner Nonna makes is delish
Your Gramps buys you beer
Your home's full of good cheer
For what more could anyone wish?
Shamrocks or four leaf-clovers are green,
To be found is something rarely seen.
They bring you good luck!
But not if you’re a duck!
Only works on fairies and human beans!
There once was a Leprechaun from Dublin.
Whose name was McFinnigan McFin!
He hoarded his gold,
Or so we’ve been told
And left nothing for the rest of his kin.
There once was a teacher from New York.
Who liked to eat Irish taters with a fork!
Said her Irish student, Maureen,
“You eat Irish taters, so clean”
I must admit you are kind of a dork.
Oh lordy to be a man, natural born Irish!
There really is nothing like it!
A true “brown bred” tater.
For, a man nothing greater.
Oh yeah, except for the she’s and to date her!
There once was a lad from Doon,
Who owned a singing baboon,
And when folks walked past,
They would let out a gasp,
As he sang them their favourite tune!!!!!
There once was a young man named Phil
Who had a puppy named Bill.
When asked, "Does he bite?"
Phil answered, "He might."
Then the puppy named Bill bit Phil.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.