Irish Political Jokes at The Irish Gift House
Our man Paddy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. Paddy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." "Sorry," replies the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." "Right", says Paddy, "then I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminate the debt." The genie looked slyly at Paddy and said "You crafty devil!"
Paddy visited Washington DC this week and he reported that it is so cold that he actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Murphy is stuck in a major traffic jam just outside Dublin on the M50 motorway, nothing is moving. Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. Murphy rolls down his window and asks the officer, "What's going on?" "Elderly pensioners, who have had their monthly check cut, have kidnapped several members of the legislature and a bunch of bankers. They're asking for a 30 million in ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car taking up a collection." Murphy asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?" "Almost 2 liters."
Sullivan is a barber in Washington DC, his first customer of the week is Mullins, the local florist. After the cut, Mullins asked about his bill, and Sullivan replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." Mullins was pleased and left the shop. When Sullivan open his barber shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
O'Reilly, the local beat cop, comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, Sullivan again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. When Sullivan open his barber shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then Congressman O'Neil came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill Sullivan again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." Congressman O'Neil was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when Sullivan went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Father Flanagan was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival St. Patrick’s parish. "You will understand," he said as he started his speech, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first lad, who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I soon realized that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as Father Flanagan finished his talk, Sean O’Sullivan, a leading local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make his presentation to the assembled crowd. "I’ll never forget the first day our Father Flanagan arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
The Mayor of Ballyindooley in Co. Galway visited the Mayor of Mullans in Co. Donegal. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Mullans Mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Mullans Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but I built a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end and used the extra money to build this fine home." One year later the Mayor of Mullans visited Ballyindooley. He was simply amazed at the Ballyindooley Mayor's house, gold trim, marble floors, and it was twice the size of his Mullans home. When he asked how a small town Mayor could be afford such splendor, the Ballyindooley Mayor said, "You see that six-lane, 250 foot long bridge over there?" The Mayor of Mullans replied, "No."
Jack and Maureen were curious about what road in life their teenage son Mick would take, so one day they set a plan to find out. On the kitchen table they placed a Bible, representing a man of the cloth, a bottle of Irish Whiskey, representing the down and out, and a $20.00 bill, representing business, Jack and Maureen then hid in the pantry. Soon Mick walked into the kitchen and noticed the three articles on the table, in turn he examined the Bible, the whiskey and the money. He then looked around the room to see if anyone was watching and quickly put the Bible under his arm, picked up the bottle of whiskey and put the money in his pocket and left. Jack turned to Maureen and exclaimed, “Good God woman, the boy is going to become a politician!”
A surgeon and an architect were joined by Murphy the politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but first somebody had to create the chaos.”
A very rich Dublin politician is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the politician didn't donate any money to charity. "First of all," says the politician, “my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Secondly, I have five kids through three failed marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children." "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel badly about asking for your money." So you should," replies the politician. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give any to you?"
Murphy, the politician, was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly!" Said his mother. Murphy's smiled faded. "Aw, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
Little Mary Flynn asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, many a Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
Murphy and Sullivan, two opposing political candidates, were sharing a rare moment together. Candidate Murphy said, "I never pass up a chance to promote my campaign. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote for Murphy.'" Sullivan said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give the driver any tip at all, I criticize his driving ability and as I leave the cab, I also say, 'Vote for Murphy.'"
Flynn was running for Congress and was asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it." "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." "This is my final position, and I will not compromise!"