Irish Kids Jokes at The Irish Gift House
The teacher asked little Mick if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” Mick replied. “Me da taught me.” “Good. What number comes after three?” “Four,” answered Mick. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after 10?” “Jack, Queen, and King.”
Mrs. Sullivan brings eight-year-old Mick Murphy to his home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Mrs. Murphy says, "Let's not be too harsh on them...they're bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex, you say?" replies Mrs. Sullivan. "He was trying to take her appendix out!"
Young Danny has his leg in a cast due to a bone fracture. He asked his friend Paddy, “Have you ever broken a bone?” Paddy replied, “Yes.” “Did it hurt?” Asked Danny. “No, not at all,” Paddy replied. “Really? Which bone did you break?” Danny asked, puzzled as to why it didn’t hurt. “The one in Mick Muldoon's arm.”
“It’s no good sur,” Terrance Murphy said to his English teacher. “I am trying to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.” “Goes in both ears and out the other?” the puzzled teacher asked. “But you only have two ears.” “Right,” Murphy replied, I’m also no good at math.”
A salesman walks up to the door of the Ryan’s home and knocks. Their 14-year-old son, Danny opens the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand. The salesman is a little startled, but says, "Excuse me son, are either of your parents home?" Danny sarcastically replies, "What do you think?"
Young Danny and his family are visiting his Uncle Mick in Liverpool, England. While there, Danny boards a bus and sits down right behind the driver. Almost immediately he begins to speak. “If me mum was a cow and me da was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If me mum was a hen and me da was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If me mum was a deer and me da was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If me mum was a duck and me da was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.” After listening to the little boy rambling on for what seemed to be an eternity, the bus driver begins to get annoyed. He asks Danny, “What if your mum was a drunk and your da was a bum?” Without hesitation, Danny responds, “I’d be a Liverpool bus driver.”
Young Paddy was returning from the local market with the crate of chickens that his father had entrusted to him. All of a sudden Paddy tripped, the crate went flying, it broke open and chickens scurried off in every direction. Determined to catch them all, Paddy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had managed to find them all, the young lad reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. “Da, the chickens got loose”, the young lad apprehensively confessed to his father, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.” To Paddy’s surprise, his father replied with a beaming smile on his face, “Well, you did real good, son. You left with seven!”
Young Danny O'Shea, "Mum, when I was on the crowded bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mrs. O'Shea replied, "Well, that was the right thing for you to do." Danny protested, "But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."
Mrs. O'Brien is preparing dinner when the phone rings. “Hello, this is St. Brigid's School calling about your son Danny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has, "Mrs. O’Brien replies, "I don't have a son."
Mrs. Sullivan asked her student, "Sean, if you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" Sean replied, "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic.” “You don't know my father!"
Paddy had a difficult, emotional talk with his 9-year-old son. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends". Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave Paddy some good tips for being more sociable.
The young Sullivan family lived next door to an empty lot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on a new house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the rough construction workers, all with hearts of gold, more or less, adopted little Molly as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even did their best to keep their language civil; although, they were not always successful. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope, containing a small amount of money. The Molly took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank to open a savings account. The banker was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the banker. The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Paddy and Mick and Murph and the gang. We're building a big house." "My goodness," replied the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?" The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously, "I think so. Provided those eejets at O’Malley Building Supply deliver the damn bricks on time."
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent all the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son Danny was there; O'Toole replied no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
A student is called the principals office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dan-dan-daniel M-m-m-mur-mur-murphy, sir." The principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who typed my birth certificate is a real jerk."
Mary O'Toole watched as a woman at the shopping mall shopped with a four-year-old girl. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some chocolate and her mother told her, "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, "Now Molly, our shopping is going well. Don't be upset, we'll soon be out of here." Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice cream cone. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, "There, there, Molly, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the checkout." When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets on display next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any. The mother calmly said, "Molly, we'll be through this line in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of juice and take a nap." Mary O'Toole was impressed and followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management. She approached the mother and said, "I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Molly." The mother turned and replied, 'Oh, no, I'm Molly. My little girl's name is Kathleen."
For Mother's Day, Murphy decided to splurge and took his wife and their four young sons to an upscale restaurant. Murphy ordered a bottle of wine which the waiter brought it over and began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for Mom Murphy to taste. Paddy, their six-year-old, exclaimed to the waiter, "Mister, you better fill up that glass, Mom drinks a lot more than that."
Little Colleen asks her mom, "What is it like having the greatest daughter in the world?" Her mom replied, "I don't know dear, you'll have to ask your grandma."
An Irish Mother to her son, "Patrick, I'm warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me!
Mrs. Sullivan's teenage son, John, never misses an opportunity to remind her that he wants his own car. One morning as Mrs. Sullivan drove him to school, it was apparent that they would be late so she asked her son to write a note, which she would sign when we arrived. At school, he handed her a pen and the note, which read: "John Sullivan is late this morning due to car trouble. The trouble is, John doesn't have his own car, and his mom drives too slowly.
"Danny's father: Let me see your report card.
Danny: I don't have it.
Danny's father: Why not?
Danny: I let Mick borrowed it. He wants to scare the hell out of his parents.
It was graduation day and Mrs. Sullivan was trying to take a picture of their son, who is dressed in his cap and gown, with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Mick, put your arm around your father's shoulder." Mr. Sullivan responded, "If you want it to really look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
One morning, mother O'Flynn went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, Danny. You're going to be late for school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go to school!"
"Danny, why don't you want to go to school."
"The kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"Danny, that's no reason not to go to school. Get out of bed and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Old Sean O'Farrell, the kingpin of the Irish mob in Boston, is on his deathbed. He calls his grandson to his side and tells the lad, "Paddy, I'm going to leave you my chrome plated 38 revolver so that you will always remember me." "But grandpa", lamented Paddy, "I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?" Grandpa O'Farrell reaches up and pulls Paddy closer to him and says, "You listen to me carefully. Someday you are going to be the head of the organization. Someday you are going to have lots of money, a big home and a beautiful wife. And maybe someday you are going to come home and find your wife in the torrid embrace of another man. What are you going to do then? Point at your watch and say, 'Times up!'?"
Kennedy to his son: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?
Son: It had to do with absence from school!
Kennedy: You were absent on the day of the exam?
Son: No, but Seamus McCoy, who sits next to me was!
Little Seamus was walking one of his father’s cows along the lane when he met the parish priest coming the other way. “What are you up to Seamus,” asked the priest. “I’m taking the cow to the bull so she can get pregnant.” “Well, that’s quite a responsibility. Shouldn’t your father do that?” “Ah…no” replied Seamus. “I think it has to be the bull.”
Mrs. O’Malley said, "I'm always worrying about the safety of my children...especially the little dear who's rolling her eyes and answering me back right now!”
Young Paddy prayed every night for a new bicycle. Eventually he learned the Lord doesn't work that way, so he stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.
One day in kindergarten class, the teacher tells her class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2.00 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy raised his hand and proudly said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and announced, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Duncan, that's not right either." Next, a Jewish boy, Ethan, raised his hand and said, "The most famous man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely correct, Ethan. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2.00." As the teacher was giving Ethan his money, she said, "You know, Ethan, with you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Ethan replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
Little Sean was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Sean said, "Oh, right." Satisfied with the answer he went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later Sean came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Liam's mum wants to talk to you."
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment; get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Eventually the teacher asked Danny, "Danny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my dad told a story about my Uncle Sean Thornton. Uncle Sean was a pilot during Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a 5th of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey as he parachuted down; landing right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the pistol until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Uncle Sean when he's been drinking!"
Jack and Maureen were curious about what road in life their teenage son Mick would take, so one day they set a plan to find out. On the kitchen table they placed a Bible, representing a man of the cloth, a bottle of Irish whiskey, representing the down and out, and a $100.00 bill, representing business; Jack and Maureen then hid in the pantry. Soon Mick walked into the kitchen and noticed the three articles on the table; in turn he examined the Bible and the money, and sampled the whiskey. He then looked around the room to see if anyone was watching and quickly put the Bible under his arm, picked up the bottle of whiskey and put the money in his pocket and left. Jack turned to Maureen and exclaimed,
"Good God woman, the boy is going to become a politician!"
Danny Flynn's teacher asked what is your favorite animal? Danny responded, "Fried chicken." The teacher said that "Danny wasn't funny." But she couldn't have been correct, because everyone else laughed. Danny told his teacher that he was told to always tell the truth and he had; and added, "Really, fried chicken is my favorite animal." So Danny was sent to the principal's office and explained what he has said in class. After the principal finished laughing, he told Danny, not to do it again. The next day Danny's teacher asked him what is his favorite live animal and he told her that it was chicken. She asked him why? Danny said, "Because you can make them fried chicken." When the laughter subsided, Danny was again sent to the principal's office. Again after the principal finished laughing, he told Danny, not to do it again. Today, Danny's teacher asked him, "What famous person do you admire most?" Danny responded, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where Danny is now?
Mother, "How was school today, Paddy?"
Paddy, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Paddy, "What school?"
Danny, Mick and Paddy are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The Danny says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $100.00." Mick says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200.00." Paddy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes ten people to collect all the money!"
"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" Muldoon asked O'Sullivan. "He wants to be a garbage man." "That's an unusual ambition for a teenage boy." Replied Muldoon. "Not really." Said O'Sullivan, "He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."
Young Sean O'Farrell tells his dad, "I am considering a career in organized crime." Mr. O'Farrell replied, "Well there is good money, power and girls. Are you thinking government or private sector?"
Growing up Danny Flynn believed in Santa; unfortunately for Danny, so did his parents.
The entire family was seated around the table for Christmas dinner. When little Mick received his plate, he started eating right away. "Mick, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Mick explained, "but this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Doyle tried to explain to his 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But the kid is not buying it; in fact he's been making fun of his dad all day.
Young Danny O'Brien to his mother, "We are out of milk; do you want me to run to the store to pick up more?" Mrs. O'Brien replied, "No Danny, the weather is horrible, I wouldn't let a dog go out in a storm like this. Let your father go."
Young Danny O'Shea: "Mum, when I was on the crowded bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mrs., O'Shea: "Well, that was the right thing for you to do." Young Danny O'Shea: "But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."
Little Mary Sullivan asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" Mary's mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Later Mary asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said we came from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Donal and Mick, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, their two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that Father Murphy at a neighboring parish had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. Father Murphy agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent Donal, 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy, Mick, to see the preacher in the afternoon. Father Murphy, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, lad?" Donal's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So Father Murphy repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, Donal made no attempt to answer. Father Murphy raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Donal, where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" Gasping for breath the younger brother sobbed, "Mick, this time we are in really BIG trouble. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!
Murphy won a toy at a raffle so he called his children together to ask them which one of them deserved a present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you keep the toy."
Little Shannon O’Brien was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh” she said, “then Granddaddy, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago." "Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God is getting better at it now isn't He?"
Grandfather O’Malley was telling his little granddaughter what his own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony and we picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, imagining all the fun. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
For weeks six-year old Mick kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed Mick to feel the movements of the unborn child. Mick was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the lad on her lap and said, "Mick, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Mick burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Pat asked his buddy Sean, "What’s the best way to teach a girl to swim?" Sean said, "First you gently place one arm around her waist." But its my sister," said Pat. "Oh!" said Sean, "just push her off a pier!"
Mr. Danaher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?" From the back Paddy shouted, "Cause your feet ain’t empty."
Little Timmy Murphy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?" Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your cat!"
Little Mary Kelly was talking to her teacher about whales. Mary stated that "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." The teacher said, "It was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small." Again Mary stated, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated, "A whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible." Mary said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" Mary replied, "Then you ask him."
Little Danny Quinn was lost at a large shopping mall in Dublin. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I’ve lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What’s he like?" Danny replied, "Jameson Irish Whiskey and the odd bet."
One day little Kathleen Shanahan was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. Kathleen looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Ma?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." Kathleen thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Ma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?"
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Mick received his plate, he started eating right away. "Mick, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don’t have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That’s at our house," Mick explained, "but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook."
Danny, age 6 and Paddy, age 4, are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” said Danny. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” Paddy nods his head in approval. Danny continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with “damn”. Paddy agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks Danny what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some oatmeal.” Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay in there until I let you out.” She then comes back downstairs, looks at Paddy and asks with a stern voice, “And what might YOU want for breakfast, young man? “I don’t know,” he sobs, “but you can bet it won’t be that damn oatmeal”
Mrs. Murphy was getting to know her new students. “What does your father do, Donal?” “He’s a fireman, Mrs. Murphy.” “And what does your father do, Mary?” “He is a lawyer, Mrs. Murphy.” “And what does your father do, Paddy?” “He’s dead, Mrs. Murphy.” “Oh, I see, what did he do before he died?” “He clutched his throat, let out a groan, and fell to the floor.”O’Malley asked his teen aged daughter if she’d seen his newspaper. She told him that newspapers are old school and that people use tablets nowadays, so she handed him her iPad. That pesky fly didn’t stand a chance.