Irish Logic Jokes at The Irish Gift House
"Mrs. Flynn, we have your son," said the kidnapper. Mrs. Flynn replied, "I don't have a son." "Right, then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwich?" Mrs. Flynn exclaimed, "Saints preserve us! You have me husband, Paddy."Kathleen and Shannon are sitting in Doc Murphy’s waiting room. Kathleen says, “I want a baby more than anything in the world, but I guess it’s just not possible.” Shannon replies, “I used to feel just the same way but I’m going to have a baby in two months.” “You must tell me what you did.” Shannon replied, “I went to a faith healer.” “But we tried that”, Kathleen said, “my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.” Shannon smiled and whispered, “Try going alone next time.”
A terrific explosion occurs at a gunpowder factory in Ireland. Once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins into what can only be described as the biggest disaster the area has ever seen. One of the few survivors is pulled up in front of the board of inquiry to make a statement. “Okay Murphy”, says the investigator. “You were near the scene, did you see what happened” “Yes sir, I did”, said Murphy. “Well, it’s like this. Old Sean Flanagan was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.” “He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror. “How long had he been with the company?” “About 20 years,” Murphy replied. “20 years with the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I would have thought it would have been the last thing that he would have ever done.” Murphy replied, “It was.”
Seven-year-old Danny O’Brien had finished his summer vacation and is back to school. Two days later Danny’s teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Danny was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," said Mrs. O’Brien, "I had Danny here for two months and I never once called you when he misbehaved."
A Chinese immigrant to Ireland lands a job as a garbage collector. He arrives at a house in a rough area on the north side of Cork and knocks on the door. The door opens, and there is Mick wearing a tight muscle t-shirt, with crew-cut hair and a fake tan. The Chinese garbage collector asks, “Where you bin?” Putting on airs, Mick replies, “De cunnaries, me boyo.” (The Canary Islands) The Chinaman replies, “No, no, where you bin?” Yer man Mick insists, “Du cunnaries." The Chinaman more insistently demands, “No, no. Where you wheelie bin?” Mick from Cork sighs, “Alright me boyo, I was up in Dublin for the weekend.”
Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the Police station. Paddy is concerned and asks, "What if one goes off before we get there?" Mick replies, "Right, then we will tell them that we only found two."
Danny and Sean were in England and visited a local pub. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument. Danny asked, "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" "There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. Sean said, "Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so Sean called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right," he called back, "two pints!"
After a ship wreck, Paddy and Danny are adrift in an open boat. After several days the prospects look bleak and Danny began to really worry. “O Lord,” Danny prayed, “I’ve been a hard drinker and I’ve broken most of Thy commandments, but if my life is spared I promise to never again…” Paddy interrupted his friend, “Wait a minute. Don’t go too far; I think that I see land.”
Murphy visits a creepy old castle in County Kerry and decides to go on a guided tour. The guide was dressed up in period costume from the 1600’s, really looked the part and certainly knew a lot about the old castle, making its history come to life. At the end of the tour, the guide asks him if he enjoyed it. Murphy said yes, but admitted to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebbed rooms and passages. “Don’t be a bit worried,” the guide said. “Sure I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.” “How long would that be?” The guide replied, “Oh, about three hundred years.”
Mr. Sullivan boards a train in Galway that is heading for Belfast with a stop in Dublin. Along with a generous tip, he explained to Paddy, the porter, “I’m a really heavy sleeper, but you must be sure to wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Dublin. I don’t care what I may say to you when you wake me up. Just make sure I get off the train in Dublin. I have an extremely important meeting in the morning.” That morning Mr. Sullivan woke up to find himself in Belfast. He was furious. He found Paddy and really gave him an earful before heading off to purchase a return ticket back to Dublin. After he left, a co-worker asked Paddy, “How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?” “Dat’s nothing,” said Paddy. “You should have been around at 3:00 am and heard the trashing I got from the guy who I shoved off the train in Dublin!”
Paddy and Murphy drive to the lumberyard. Paddy walks in the office and says, “We need some four by twos.” The clerk asks, “You mean two by fours, don’t you?” Paddy said, “Just a minute, I’ll go check.” After consulting with Murphy he returns. “Right, I meant two by fours.” The clerk then asks, “How long do you need them?” “We will need them a long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Flanagan visited the men’s department and asked the clerk “Can you show me the cheapest suit in the store?” The clerk looked at Flanagan and replied, “You’re wearing it.”
Danny Sullivan passed away. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral with an Irish wake that included a live band and Irish step dancers. As the last guests departed the affair, his widow, Erin, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Danny would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Molly, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," replied Erin. “Fifty grand." "No way!" Molly exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $50,000?" Erin answered. "The funeral was $18,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and booze was another $4,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." Molly exclaimed. "$27,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" Erin presented her hand and said, "Three and a half carats."
Farmer Murphy was tending to his sheep when a Garda Detective entered his Connemara property and flashed a badge at him. “I’m here to search your property for contraband,” he said gruffly. “That’s grand,” said Murphy. “But just don’t go into that field.” This made the Garda furious, and he pushed the farmer against a wall and shoved his badge into his face. “Do you see this badge?” he said. “This badge means I can go anywhere and do anything I want. You can’t stop me from going into that field! Do you understand me?” “To be sure!” Murphy replied. The Garda, satisfied, left the farmer and climbed over the fence and into the field, where he was promptly set upon by a rampaging bull. Alerted by the Garda’s screams, farmer Murphy came running, and as he stood on the fence, he yelled, “YOUR BADGE, SIR! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
A leprechaun is digging up the garden, busily burying his pot of gold, when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat. "I’m a leprechaun. I steal food from humans, I tear up their gardens, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?" The cat replies, "Um, I guess I'm a leprechaun."
Seamus bought his very own python from a shop in Galway. After a while he decided that a pet snake was not for him and decided to sell it. He received a call from a man interested in buying the reptile, but he had a few questions. “What breed is it?” The man asked. “It’s a python.” "Is it very big?” “Yes, it’s massive,” replied Seamus. “How many feet?” asked the man. “No feet, you eejit, it’s a snake!”
Paddy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare. As he entered the townland of Lissycasey, a garda on a motorcycle, brandishing a speed gun, waves Paddy to a stop. “You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” “Eegit guard,” says Paddy “I didn’t see no sign. It must be covered by them hedges.” “Hedges or no hedges, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine. Now show me your tax, license, insurance and registration documents.” “Shur, I don’t have any tax, license, registration, insurance and shur, the car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.” “Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped into the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio. Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived.
A helicopter hovered overhead while a nervous superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest approaches Paddy’s car where Paddy was nonchalantly listing to classical music on the radio. “Is this your car?” asks the superintendent. ‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Paddy — all respectful like. “And do you have tax, insurance, registration and a license?” “I do indeed,” says Paddy handing them over. “And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?” “Jaysus No!” Says Paddy, “Who told you that pack of lies?” “Why he did, that garda over there.” “Well, that gobshite liar,” says Paddy. “I bet he told you I was speeding as well.”
After a few pints, the lads became philosophical.
Paddy, the pessimist, sees a dark tunnel.
Danny, the optimist, sees light at the end of the tunnel.
Mick, the realist, sees a freight train.
Casey, the train engineer, sees 3 eejits standing on the tracks.
Paddy did not study for his university examination, which consisted of a series of “True/False” type questions. When the examination began, he just stared at the test for what seemed like an eternity. In a fit of inspiration, Paddy started tossing a coin and marking the answer sheet, “Yes” for heads and “No” for tails. Within minutes he was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. However, during the last few minutes, Paddy was once again tossing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached him and asked what was going on. Paddy replied, “I finished the exam half an hour ago, but I’m re-checking my answers.”Mrs. Murphy was at the grocery store to buy a Thanksgiving turkey, but to her disappointment she couldn’t find one large enough for all her family and guests. She spied Paddy who was stocking the shelves and inquired, “Do these turkeys get any larger?” Paddy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A shifty looking guy wearing a kilt walks into a pub in Northern Ireland. He orders a pint and very, very carefully puts down the case he is carrying. The bartender looks at the case and nervously asks, "What's that?" The kilted Irishman answers, “Explosives and homemade bombs." "Thank God for that," says the barman, "I was afraid it might be bagpipes."
Paddy and Mick were walking past the swimming pool at Dublin’s Central Mental Hospital where they are patients, Mick suddenly jumped into the deep end. He immediately sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Paddy promptly jumped in to save him. He swam right to the bottom of the pool, grabbed Mick by the collar of his jacket and pulled him out. When the director heard about Paddy’s heroic act, she immediately ordered Paddy to be discharged from the hospital, declaring him to now be considered mentally stable. She went to tell Paddy the news, “Paddy, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Mick, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Paddy replied “He didn’t hang himself; I put him up there to dry. How soon can I leave?”Sean purchased a new car, but the very next day he went back to the dealer from whom he bought it. “I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car.” “That’s right, sir,” said Murphy, the salesman. “During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks.” “Right”, says Sean. “In that case I need a new garage door.”
While visiting the British Museum, Murphy accidentally knocked over a statue. Hearing the tremendous crash, the museum curator ran to the scene of the disaster and exclaimed to Murphy, “That’s a two thousand year old statue you’ve broken!” Murphy replied, “Oh thank God for that! I thought it was something new.”
Danny and a little boy entered a Dublin barber shop. "Give me the full treatment," Danny said. "I want to look good for my interview!" After Danny received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for my interview," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and Danny still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your father forgot about you." "That wasn't my da," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"Murder is the charge at the Irish courthouse. The judge says to the double-homicide defendant, “Sean O’Flaherty, you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” Suddenly, Danny Sullivan, from the back of the courtroom, yells out, “You son of a biscuit!” The judge, although rather taken aback by this outburst, continue. “You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” Danny yells out again, “You rotten son of a biscuit!” The judge stops, and tells Danny. “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I will charge you with contempt of court. Is that understood?” Danny stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to O’Flaherty, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans into his chili? Because one more would be two farty.
Why is Ireland a great place to invest? Because your capital is always Dublin.
Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London. Mick turns to Danny with a look of amazement on his face and says, "Danny, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!" "Mick you're right, so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would." "Danny that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't." Danny thinks and says, "Mick, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't." "OK, I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two go into the shop, where Mick is greeted politely by the owner. Mick then proceeds to do his best English accent, "Alwight mate, I'll 'ave 40 of yer suits, 40 shirts and 40 pairs of trousers please." Upon hearing this request, the owner smiles and says, "You boys are Irish aren't you?" Quite bemused, Mick replies, "If that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?" The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaner."
Paddy was visiting the US for the first time and a friend asked him what he thought. Paddy responded, "It's simply brilliant! In fact there are only two things that I don't like about America. One is all those stupid Irish jokes; they are very annoying." "What is the other?" His friend inquired. "It's those darn M&M's. They are so hard to peel!"
A knight was walking through Ireland when he came across a huge dead dragon with a leprechaun standing beside it. Totally amazed, he asked the leprechaun, “Did you kill that?” The leprechaun replied, “Yes, I did.” The knight asked him, “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?” The leprechaun replied, “I killed it with my club.” The astonished knight asked, “How big is your club?” The leprechaun replied, “There’s about 60 of us.”
An old country doctor in Ireland wanted to take a day off work and go fishing. So, he approached his assistant and said, “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and I want you to take care of me clinic. We don’t have any appointments, so it will just be walk in patients.” “Yes, sir!” answers Murphy. Well, the doctor goes fishing, returning the following day and asks his assistant, “So, Murphy how was your day?” Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache, so he did. I gave him Paracetamol.” “Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir.” says Murphy. “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this. What about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door flies open, and a gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers, and then she lies down on the table, and shouts, ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'” “Thunderin’ Lard Jesus,
Murphy, what did YOU DO?” asks the doctor. Murphy replied, “I put drops in her eyes.”
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Doc Sullivan told his patient, “Mr. Murphy, you have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.” “Mr. Murphy asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” “No,” replies Dr. Sullivan, “Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?” “The poor soul died of a heart attack.” Doc Sullivan replies, “I’m very sorry to hear that. I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.” “Oh the tablets were fine.” Says Mrs. Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Paddy’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he has been thinking of a name for the past few weeks. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran off to Mexico.
Mick and Sean were lifting a pint at Finnegan’s Pub. Mick said, “I haven’t run into your Uncle Paddy in a while. Whatever happened to him?” Sean replied, “Dear Uncle Paddy was busy trying to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and a motor from a Ford." “What did he get?" asked Mick. “Four years.”
Paddy tells Danny, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me quit smoking.” Danny asks, “What did he say?” Paddy replies, “He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a toothpick.” “Did that do any good?” “No,” Paddy replied. “I can’t get it to light.”
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital. A doctor came to greet him and said. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?" "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." Indignantly, the patient replied, "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
Mick bumped into his old school friend, Danny. Danny started bragging, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Danny then pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" Mick replied, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." Danny asked, "Why? Is she a stunner?" Mick replied, "No, she's an optometrist."
Farmer Murphy stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he figured he run some errands. First he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Next he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem --- how to carry all of these purchases. While he was thinking he was approached by the widow Sullivan who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” Farmer Murphy replied, “Well, as a matter of fact, it’s on the way back to my mechanics shop, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.” “Why thank you very much.” He proceeded to walk the old girl to her destination. On the way he said, “Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." Mrs. Sullivan looked him over cautiously and said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?' Farmer Murphy exclaimed, “Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly do that?” The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”
An Irish man went to the Dublin courthouse to legally change his name. The clerk asked, "Can I help you sir?" Our man replied, "Yes, I would like to change my name." "What is your current name?" asked the clerk. "Mick Buttocks." The clerk chuckled, and said, "I can see why you might want a change. What would you like your new name to be?" "Paddy."
Murphy traveled to the wilds of the Yukon. His guide warned, “Always remember that the deadliest creature in these parts is the Grizzly Bear. Nothing in the world can outrun a hungry Grizzly!” “Right, I’ll remember that,” replied Murphy. “Don't you worry.” For days on end the two hiked towards the distant trading post until one morning the air was rent with an almighty roar. “Say your prayers,” screamed the guide. “It's a Grizzly!” “I hear it,” answered Murphy as he was pulling on a pair of running shoes. “Forget the shoes,” cried the guide. “You can't outrun a hungry Grizzly.” “True,” replied Murphy, “but I can outrun you.”
Mary O'Malley crashed her car. She exclaimed to the police officer that the man she hit was texting and drinking beer at the time of the collision. Officer Sullivan replied that the gentleman was entitled to do whatever he wanted while in his own garden!
Clancy had been found guilty of murder and is sentenced to the electric chair. “Have you any last request?” asked the prison warden. “Yes,” replied Clancy. “Would you hold my hand?”
The pretty secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Molly, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, “Who told you could come and go as you please?” "Molly simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, “My lawyer."
Paddy went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone; he even threw his sandwich against the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
Sign in a Dublin shop: O'Reilly's Kentucky Fried Chicken. If Colonel Sanders had had our recipe he'd have been a general!
Paddy and Mick searched the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, Mick grabs the ax from Paddy and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next decent tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”
Late one cold December night Jack Gallagher was busy working away with his brother Sean when he said, "I always feel a bit sad when I take down the Christmas lights, but then again, they'll look much better on our house."
Mr. Murphy’s Christmas tip to get rid of all the extra trash: Wrap you boxes of trash in Christmas wrapping paper and leave it in your unlocked car while you go into the pub to have a drink.
"Wasn't it tragic about my brother Paddy?" lamented Murphy. "Women and whiskey killed him you know." "Is that so?" sympathized O'Tool. "True it is." replied Murphy. "Paddy couldn't get either so he hung himself."
Mick Doyle picks up the ringing cell phone and the following conversation takes place: "Hello?" - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" - "Yes." - "Great! I am at the mall and I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" - "What's the price?" - "Only $1,500.00." - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." - "What price did he quote you?" - "Only $85,000..." - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." - "What?" - "I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw that the house we had looked at last year is on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." - "How much are they asking?" - "Only $3,450,000 - a magnificent price..." - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $3,400,000. OK?" - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" - "Bye...I love you too..." Mick hangs up the phone and raises it over his head and asks all those present, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking. "It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock". Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car. "Where the world did you get that car?" Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy. "Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
It was raining hard one cold day and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. Old man Murphy stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. Flanagan walked by and asked Murphy what he was doing. "Fishin" replied Murphy. "Poor old fool" thought Flanagan, so he invited the old man to have a drink with him inside the warm pub. While they were sipping their whisky, Flanagan asked, "And how many have you caught?" Murphy replied, "You're the eighth."
Paddy calls the airline to book a flight. The agent asks Paddy, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "How should I know! It's your bloody plane."
Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers; this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Sergeant Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Lessons from My Irish Mother:
ANTICIPATION: Just wait until we get home.
LOGIC: Because I said so, that's why!
LOVE: If you're going to kill each other do it outside.
RECEIVING: You are going to get it when you get home.
WISDOM: When you get to my age you'll understand.
OSMOSIS: Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
MY ROOTS: Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?
STAMINA: You'll sit there until that's all gone.
HYPOCRISY: If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!
RELIGION: You better pray that comes out of the carpet.
IRONY: Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
One afternoon in Dublin, Mick Collins, a successful personal injury lawyer, was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed at what he saw, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Collins asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." Collins replied, "Well, then, you can come with me to my estate and I'll feed you." "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "That's grand, bring them along too." Said Collins. Turning to the other poor man Collins stated, "You may also come with us." The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "Bless you sir, but I also have a wife and I have SIX children!" "They are all welcome to my estate," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a stretch limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." Collins replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; my ungrateful gardener quit two weeks ago and the grass is almost a foot high."
In a lush Irish pasture two cows are talking to each other. The first cow says "Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around; are you worried?" The second cow looks at the first and says, "I hear that it will make you crazy, but why should I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a duck."
A man knocked on Dermot MacGregor's door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so he gave him a glass of water.
A Dublin lawyer and his wife had 12 children and needed to move as the rental agreement for their home was coming to an end and the lease would not be renewed. He was having great difficulty finding a new home. No one would rent to him in fear that 12 children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he had an idea, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining child with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent was filling out the application, "How many children do you have?" "I have 12 children." The agent asked "Where are the others?" With a sad look the lawyer answered, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."
Sullivan sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." So Sullivan leaves. A few days later Sullivan sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." So Sullivan leaves. A week later Sullivan sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again Sullivan leaves. The barber, who is curious about Sullivan's antics, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Mick. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Mick comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber demands, "Mick, where did he go when he left here?" Mick looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Just like any other day, Paddy was bragging to his boss, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone famous, and I know them." Tired of this Irishman's never ending boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Paddy, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Paddy and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Paddy! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, the boss tells Paddy that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Paddy boasts, "I told you that I know everyone." "President Obama," the boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Paddy says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Paddy on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Paddy, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Paddy, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Paddy. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Paddy and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Paddy says to his boss "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Paddy emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Paddy returns, he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Paddy asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who is that on the balcony with Paddy?"
Last night Sullivan's neighbor pounded on his front door at 3 am. Sullivan was so surprised that he nearly dropped his bagpipes.
Paddy is a young Irish artist who is exhibiting his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic asks Paddy "Would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes," says the Paddy. "It's worthless," says the critic. Paddy replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
O'Kane scolded Sweeney. "All that money you had from the lottery winnings and now you're flat broke. What on earth did you do with it all? "Well," says Sweeney, "I spent most of it on women and the drink and just squandered the rest."
"Paddy", asks Mary, "if you were stranded on a desert island with only one person, who would you like most to be with you?" "I'd like my uncle Mick," replies Paddy. Mary is disappointed but asks, "What's so special about your uncle Mick?" "Well for one thing," says Paddy, "he's got a boat."
A frumpy middle-aged couple returned to a Dublin Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had reserved to a young and very beautiful blonde. "You said you would hold that car for us till we raised the €75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for €65,000 to this lovely young lady. And you had insisted there could be no discount on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. "Here ya go," she said. "I told you I would get this muppet to reduce the price. See you later, mom and dad."
Sullivan's wife complained that he got in the way all the time in the kitchen last Christmas; so he decided to make things easier for her this year. He bought a beer fridge for the living room.
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the Aer Lingus cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 303 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals were delivered to the plane. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued. "Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight." Her next announcement came 90 minutes later. "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
A policeman knocked on Paddy's door this morning, but he just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but Paddy just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but he was determined not to move in the hope that the policeman would just go away. Then the officer decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." Paddy said, "You're not coming in mate!" The policeman replied, "I don't want to come in, sir, I just want you to step out of your car."
It was just after Thanksgiving, and the judge was in a festive mood. He asked the accused his name. "Martin O'Malley is my name, your honor." "What are you charged with?" O'Malley replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That's no crime", said the judge. "That's exactly what I told these officers, but they were too keyed up about the window I broke on account of the door being locked."
Colleen was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress. In the store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not," responded the saleslady. "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
Late one cold December night Jack Gallagher was busy working away with his brother Sean when he said, "I always feel a bit sad when I take down the Christmas lights. But they'll look much better on our house."
Muldoon's New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds. He only has 13 more to go.
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce." Paddy: "Nah, I was just a kid." Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
Paddy, Mick and Danny were walking through a field when they spot parallel tracks on the ground. The trio was standing between the tracks when Paddy says: "Those are definitely deer tracks." Mick looks at the tracks and says: "You are daft; those tracks obviously belong to wolves." Finally Danny thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm certain." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Mrs. O'Brien noticed her husband sucking in his stomach as he was standing on the bathroom scale. She laughed as she said, "Paddy, that's not going to help!" "Sure, it does," replied Paddy. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Danny, Mick and Paddy found a magic lamp and a genie emerged telling the Irishmen that for setting him free they were each entitled to three wishes. The genie further explained that each must first say something about himself. "If what you say is true, the wishes will be granted to that person but if the statement was false, the punishment will be death." Danny went first, "I am faithful to my wife." The genie killed him. Mick was second, "I am an ethical businessman." The genie killed him. Finally it was Paddy's turn who said, "Wait, I'm thinking..." The genie killed him.
Sean Flynn left Ireland for Australia; when he arrived the immigration officer asked if he had committed any felonies back home. "Beggora!" exclaimed the surprised Irishman. "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."
O'Connell and Murphy walk into a bakery and Murphy immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his backpack. He says to O'Connell, "See how clever I am? The baker didn't see a thing." O'Connell replies, "That's not so clever, I'll show you what is really clever." O'Connell engages the baker and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the baker accepts and gives him a pastry. O'Connell swallows it and asks for another one. The baker gives him another one and O'Connell swallows it. O'Connell asks for a final pastry and quickly eats the tasty treat. The baker is starting to wonder where is the magic trick and asks, "So what did you do with the three pastries?" O'Connell replies, "Look in Murphy's backpack."
After hearing another Irish joke, Paddy said, "I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes. They make me so angry that as soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone."
Danny is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Mick, is wearing an earring. Danny knows Mick to be a normally conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." Danny walks up to Mick and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," Mick replies sheepishly. Danny falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
The other day Paddy was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. The line was moving slowly and the woman behind him asked if he had a dog. Paddy sarcastically thought to himself, "What does she think I had an elephant?" Being retired, with little to do, Paddy told her "No, I don't have a dog; I'm starting the Purina diet again. Even though I lost 50 pounds last time I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital. I wound up in intensive care with tubes and IVs going in and out of my body. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The dog food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again." By this time practically everyone in the line was spellbound with Paddy's story. Horrified, the woman asked Paddy, "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned you". Paddy said, "No, not at all. I had an uncontrollable urge to sniff this Irish setter's butt, it bit me and I fell into the street and got run over by a bus."
Murphy asked if he could switch seats on the plane because he was sitting next to a screaming baby. He found out that's not allowed if it is your baby.
Paddy called his mother, "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..." At which point his mother interrupted, "Paddy you've been a doctor for 4 years, and that line is really getting old."
An Irish fairy appears at O'Reilly's pub and says to Mick McGillicutty, the first person she sees, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: wisdom, beauty, or wealth." After a short pause, McGillicutty chooses wisdom. With a flash of lightning the fairy disappears and McGillicutty is transformed in a wise man, but he just sits there staring down at the table. One of his mates demands, "You have great wisdom. Say something smart!" McGillicutty replies, "I should have taken the money."
A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a top secret mission where he will rendezvous with O'Donnell, the Irish spy, on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that he will identify O'Donnell with the code phrase "The sun rises slowly over Moscow" and O'Donnell's response is "'Tis a grand day to go fishing." The next morning the agent is delivered at 5 am on the shore of Ireland, the submarine disappears back into the Atlantic. The agent looks around but O'Donnell is nowhere to be seen. The agent then happens to look down the road and sees a man sweeping in front of a business. He walks up to him and asks, "Are you O'Donnell?" The man replies, "Yes, I am O'Donnell, but there are lots of O'Donnells in County Donegal." A little discouraged the agent replies, "There are?" "Oh yes, there are indeed. Now there's O'Donnell the cop, there's O'Donnell the postman, ah, and there's O'Donnell the grocer. Oh and O'Donnell the school teacher. Which O'Donnell are you looking for?" The Russian agent whispers, "The sun rises slowly over Moscow." The man exclaims "Oh, you'll be wanting O'Donnell the spy!"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" Paddy Sullivan raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Sullivan had a major heart attack and the doctor told him that he needs to go slowly for a while, because having sex could be fatal. Sullivan thought it over for a moment and replied, "Well doc I'll be careful, but if she dies, she dies."
Mick Boyle said, "My great-grandmother gave me a new car for Christmas. My so-so grandmother gave me socks.
Sean Sullivan got his girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present; it's just a stocking stuffer.
Yer man Paddy was out for a drive and stopped at a gas station for fuel. While pumping the gas Paddy realizes that he locked the keys in the car so he asks the attendant for a wire coat hanger so he can attempt to unlock the door. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how Paddy is faring. Paddy has fished the wire through a small crack between the window and the car frame and is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile from inside the car Paddy is being coached by Mick, "You almost got it...a little more to the right!"
Mick Flannery asked, "Dad, what is the difference between annoyed, anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that, the father dialed a random phone number. He said "Hello is Paddy home?" The man answered, "There is no one here named Paddy. Why don't you pay attention when dialing?" The father told Mick, "The man who answered was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed the same number again and said, "Hello, Paddy?" "Now look here!" was the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Paddy here! You're got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to Mick and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you exasperation." He re-dialed and after a violent voice roared "Hello!", the father calmly said "Hello, this is Paddy. Have there been any phone calls for me?"
Murphy told Sullivan, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." "Oh," replied Sullivan, "I sure hope that it isn't on the 13th."
A couple of shady characters, Mick and Sean, are old friends from the neighborhood and they run into each other at a posh resort. Mick asks Sean, how did you get the money to stay here? Sean replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? I couldn't con anyone into buying it, but it caught fire and burned to the ground, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What is your story?" Mick replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I couldn't unload? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." Sean was very puzzled by Mick's response and asked. "Gee, how do you start a flood?"
Flying home to Ireland Paddy boards the plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant asks to see Paddy's ticket and informs him, "Sir, you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. Please move to the back of the plane." Paddy replies, "I'm a proud Irishman on my way back home after making me fortune in America. I'll not be moving until the plane lands in Ireland." So the flight attendant approaches the lead flight attendant and tells her what happened. So she also tells Paddy to leave the first class section and move to coach. Paddy replies "I'm a proud Irishman on my way back home after making me fortune in America. I'll not be moving until the plane lands in Ireland." Now the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the pilot and tell him what is going on. The pilot walks back to where the obstinate Irishman is sitting and leans over and whispers something in his ear. The two flight attendants are astonished when Paddy abruptly got up from his seat and moved to the back of the plane. The attendants asked the pilot, "What did you say?" The pilot replied, "I just told him that first class wasn't going to Ireland."
Paddy is the passenger in a two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot has a heart attack and dies. Paddy grabs the radio and franticly calls out "Mayday, mayday! Help me, my pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" Paddy hears a calm voice over the radio saying "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Your life depends on you listening very carefully to my instructions. First give me your height and position." Paddy replies, "Right, I'm 5'10" and I'm in the front seat." "OK." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me, Our Father who art in Heaven...."
Paddy calls her his girlfriend and says, "Maureen, please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Maureen asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" Paddy replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Maureen is intrigued so she decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she arrives she sees the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to Paddy and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." She then takes Paddy’s hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...Maureen said with a deep sigh…"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back into the box.”
Maggie O'Malley was off to Dublin to do her shopping. “Be careful,” said Mary McGee. Those Dublin stores charge far more than you'd pay here in Tipperary. They always double the price. So when you get there only offer them half.” “I will,” said Maggie, and indeed she did. “The green dress in the window,” she said. “it's priced at €40. That's much too dear!” “Madam,” said the Dublin salesman, “believe me when I tell you that it is a very reasonable price.” “Don't give me that,” said Maggie. “I know your kind; you're all robbers of the worst kind. I'll give you €20 for the dress.” “Look, Madam,” said the salesman. “I don't want a scene. If you calm down, I'll let you have the dress for €20.” “In that case,” bellowed Maggie to a gathering crowd, “I'll give you €10 for it.” “Madam, please,” begged the salesman, “I don't want to sully our reputation. If it'll make you go away you can have it for €10.” “In that case I'll give you €5,” said Maggie. “Madam, you're driving me nuts. To get rid of you, please take the dress for nothing.” “In that case,” said Maggie, “I want two!”
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Paddy. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Paddy graduate! Let Paddy graduate!" The principal agrees to give Paddy one last chance and asks, "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Paddy, how many apples do I have?" Paddy thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Paddy another chance! Give Paddy another chance!"
Muldoon and O'Malley were never on the up and up and were always looking for a quick score. One afternoon Muldoon meets O'Malley in the pub and says, "I heard about the fire at your business. I hear that it was a complete loss, good thing that you carry multiple insurance coverage with several insurance companies." "You idget! Shut your gob!" says O'Malley. "The fire isn't until next Wednesday."
Paddy and his children were battling a nasty stomach virus, they were all in a state of pain and agony. Paddy turned to his wife Brigid and asked, "Are you poisoning me and the children?" "Brigid replied, "Don't be silly, why would I poison the children?"
One night in Dublin the madam opened the brothel door and greeted a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Molly." "Sir, Molly is definitely a good choice; she is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone less expensive?" He replied, "No, I must see Molly." So Molly appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000.00 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Molly, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Molly. Molly explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.00." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Molly, and they went upstairs. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Molly and they went upstairs. At the end of their visit, Molly said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, "Galway." "Really?" Molly said. "I have family in Galway." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
Mick and Danny were both in a chemistry class where they both did pretty well on all of the quizzes, the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go to a neighboring University and party with some friends. Mick and Danny had a great time, but afterwards both suffered from hangovers and overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to their University until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Doyle after the exam and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him they went out for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but on the way back they had a flat tire and didn't have a spare. They were late getting back to campus because it took a long time to get some help. Doyle thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. Mick and Danny were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Doyle had instructed. Doyle placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They each looked at the first problem, which was something simple about formulas and solutions, the question was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They completed that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...This final question is worth 95 points. WHICH TIRE?
Old man O'Malley and old lady O'Malley were married for over 50 years, and had hated each other for about 49 of those years. Whenever there was a confrontation their yelling could be heard deep into the night. Old man O'Malley would shout, "Woman, when I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack and old lady O'Malley ordered a closed casket funeral. After the burial, the joyous old lady O'Malley, took everyone to the local pub and held a wake in HER honor. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Old lady O'Malley put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
Pat was complaining to Mick, "I've been trying for six weeks, but I can't sell my car. Nobody wants an old car with 182,750 miles." Mick replied, "Right, just roll back the odometer, that trick works every time." A few days later Mick asks, "So Pat, were you able to unload your wreck?" "Are you off your rock?" Says Pat, "That car only has 9,000 miles, it's like brand new!"
Mrs. Murphy and her son board the Dublin city bus and says, "One adult and one child's fare." The bus driver says, "Your boy looks to be over 12 years old, you will have to pay for two adult tickets." Mrs. Murphy is indignant, "How can my son be 12 when I have only been married for 10 years?" "Listen lady," says the driver, "I only drive the bus, I don't hear confessions."
Mrs. O'Malley had invited a houseful to Thanksgiving dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Mary, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say, "replied Mary. "Just say what you hear your mother say," the father suggested. Mary bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Paddy attended a comedy club where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Irish jokes in a row. "Look," shouted Paddy, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out." "Please sit down sir and be calm," said the ventriloquist, "After all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that the Irish haven't got a sense of humor." "I'm not talking to you," said Paddy, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee."
During a trial, an Irish small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. In an attempt to intimidate her he approached her and asked, "Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?" She responded, "Sure, I do know you, Mr. O'Connor. I've known you since you were a lad, and frankly, you've been a great disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think that you're big man about town when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more that a two-bit paper pusher. Sure, I know you." O'Connor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the court room and asked, "Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defense attorney?" Mrs. Murphy confidently replied, "Sure, I've known Mr. Bailey since he was a lad, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a decent relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the land. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. It's true, I know him." The defense attorney nearly died. Judge Sullivan asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks Mrs. Murphy if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Mrs. Malone's advise to her newlywed daughter: Cook a man some fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend!
Mick: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Pat: "I hope that it is not on the 13th, I'm very superstitious."
Each Friday night Murphy drove his wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, Murphy's sister arrived at the same train station so that she could look after the kids while Murphy worked over the weekend. Every Sunday evening this procedure worked in reverse with Murphy's sister departing by train ten minutes before Murphy's wife arrived. One evening after Murphy's sister left and while he awaited his wife's arrival, a porter ambled over. "Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!".
Mrs. McNamara was berating her still single daughter Sheila about her social life. "At the rate you are going," said Mrs. McNamara, "you will wind up an old maid! Your friend Katy found a husband, and he is a doctor too." "But mother," protested Sheila, "Katy was in a horrible car wreak and both of her legs were broken. Her husband was her orthopedic surgeon." "I know that dear," replied her mother, "but why can't anything lucky like that happen to you?"
Pat and Mick win it big in the Irish Sweepstakes. "Pat," asks Mick, what do we do about all the begging letters?" "Nothing at all," says Pat, "we keep sending them."
Murphy, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this Dublin pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Murphy felt bold so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just €10, but there is one condition.' The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?' Murphy answered, 'You must tell me your wish in just three words.' There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered just three words, "Clean my house."
Sean McGuinness rear-ended another car on the way to work...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!! The dwarf looked up at McGuinness and stated "You know I'm NOT Happy!""Really now," said McGuinness as a smirked crossed his lips. "Well, which one ARE you then?"
Paddy is stranded on a desert island. Then one day, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She walks up to Paddy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!” says Paddy. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes and lights one for Paddy. Paddy takes a long drag, and says, "I really missed these!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" Paddy replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. Paddy takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Finally the gorgeous woman starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she asks Paddy, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?” To which Paddy replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Murphy and O'Brien were out in the woods and see an old well in a clearing. Murphy asked, "I wonder how deep is that well?" O'Brien said, "There's a way we could figure it out. We drop something down it and time how long it takes to hit the bottom, then we multiply the time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well." Murphy looks around and sees this big heavy log lying on the ground. He strains to lift it onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops the big heavy log into the well and they start to count, "One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three hippopotamus." SPLASH!!!! Murphy said, "Three seconds! Quick, multiply that time by 32 feet per second squared!" In less than a second O'Brien states "288 feet! Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep." Just as he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, "LOOK OUT!!" and he pushes O'Brien backwards as a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, "My God, I've never seen anything like that crazy goat in my life." Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and asked, "What's going on boys?" O'Brien replied, "We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well." The farmer says, "Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats." Murphy asked, "How do you know it wasn't?' To which the farmer replies, "Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs."
Late one night Paddy the pilot and Mick the co-pilot were making their first transatlantic flight from Dublin to New York. As they approached Kennedy airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is." "You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick. "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy. "That's the truth I tell ya." replied Mick. "Mick, when I give the signal, you put the engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Mick. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Mick. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Mick. "And den ye pray to Jesus with all your soul" said Paddy. "I be doing dat already" replied Mick. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mick full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mick put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Jesus with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt inches from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Mick and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Mick "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life." Mick looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how wide it is."
Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - £50, £20, £10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon some perfectly fine notes - watermarked, queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was £18. "Never mind," said Brown, the boss man. "We'll unload this funny money when we're over in Ireland." And so they took the notes with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it. '"Excuse me," said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. "Have you got change for an £18 note?" "Indeed, sir," said Casey. "And would you like three sixes or two nines?"
The scene was a courtroom in Dublin at the height of the summer with a major fair in full swing and happiness abounding. In the dock stood Casey, beetroot nose and breath like kerosene. "With what is this man charged?" asked the judge. "He was caught red-handed, your honor, picking the pockets of the farmers at the fair," said the policeman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty," said Casey sullenly. "Well, 'tis a heinous crime which you have committed," said his honor, "and you are fined £50 to be paid immediately." "Excuse me, your honour," said the policeman, "but he only has £10 on him." "Very well," said the judge. "Put him back in the crowd until he makes the money up!"
"I hear that O'Shaughnessy has gone all moral and virtuous," said Pat. "Go
on!" declared Mick. "How so?" "Well, he's given up smoking, drinking and
going out on the razzle," explained Pat. "Sure it'll do him no good," said
Mick. "In thirty years' time he'll be lying in bed dying of nothing."
Casey and McBride were coming home from a Sunday lunchtime drinking session
when they stumbled over a large cadaver by the roadside. "It's a mule," said one.
"No, 'tis a donkey," said the other. "Here comes the parish priest, he'll settle the matter."
"Father Donnelly, could you help us?" asked Casey. "Could you tell us if this is a mule or a donkey?"
"It's neither," said the holy man. "It's an ass. And don't leave it there. Get a shovel and bury it."
Ten minutes later the two boys were hard at it digging up the soil when O'Shaughnessy happened along.
"What's that you're doing, lads, digging a fox hole?" "Not according to Father Donnelly," said Casey.
Young Sean approached his wise grandfather and asked him, "Grandda, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically?' Old man O'Malley thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and finally, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Sean’s mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" Then Sean asked his sister, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" Sean then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" Sean pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his grandfather. His grandfather asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
Mick Sullivan goes off to college, but he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more money?” Then he gets an idea and calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach “man’s best friend” how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get my faithful dog in that program?” “Just send Fido down here with $1000.00,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” So, Mr. Sullivan sends his beloved dog and the $1000.00. Once again Mick frivolously runs through the money so he calls his father again. “So how’s Fido doing, son?” asks Mr. Sullivan. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!” “READ?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, Mick has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that he spent the money on himself and the dog can neither talk nor read. So Mick gave his father’s dog away to a nice family. When he gets home, his father is excitedly waiting to see his dog. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!” “Dad,” Mick says, “I have some grim news. This morning Fido was reading the morning paper when he turned to me and asked, "So, does your mom know that your pa is messin’ around with Mrs. O’Connor, that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?" ”The father replies, “I hope you SHOT that lyin’ dog!” “I sure did, Dad!” “That’s my boy!”
Irish Investment Advice:
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the Bank of Ireland one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Anglo Irish Bank one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Allied Irish Bank one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average Irishman walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Irishman drink 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that the average Irishman gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Paddy and Donal were at a Laundromat when Donal noticed a couple of attractive women. “Forget about them,” says Paddy, “a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman.” “Why?” Asked Donal. “Isn’t it obvious?” Replied Paddy, “If she can't afford a washing machine how will she be able to support you?”
Our man Paddy was walking along the Cliffs of Moher when he saw a young woman about to jump to her death. Paddy asked the young Colleen, “What are you doing?” "I'm going to commit suicide," she tearfully responds. While Paddy didn't want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?" So she agrees and it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss. After their lips parted, Paddy exclaims, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
While in England Murphy walks into a pub and has a couple of pints. As he starts to leave the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy. "Fair enough," says the bartender. "If you said you paid, you did." Murphy walks outside and sees his friend Sullivan and tells him the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. So Sullivan rushes in, orders a couple of beers and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep says, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Sullivan goes into the street and meets O'Reilly and tells him how to get free drinks. O'Reilly hurries into the bar and orders whiskey. After a while the bartender leans over and tells O'Reilly, "You know, a funny thing happened in here twice tonight. Two men had some drinks, neither paid, and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched right in the nose!" "Don't bother me with your troubles," responds O'Reilly, "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Murphy received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Murphy tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Murphy was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Murphy shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Murphy, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Murphy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Murphy's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Murphy was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As Murphy was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, and very softly asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
One dark and stormy Halloween, Mick O’Malley, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car slowly coming towards him stops. Mick, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. Mick looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the open window and turned the wheel. Mick, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window to steer the car, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter Mick saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly the door opened and two other men walked in from the stormy night. They, like Mick, were also soaked to the bone and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Mick O’Malley sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...”Look Paddy...there's that freakin' eejit that got in the car while we were pushin' it.”
Ryan, a taxi driver in Limerick, was driving a tourist to Shannon Airport. At every intersection he blew through ignoring the red lights. The tourist exclaimed, "Surely you must stop at the red lights!" Ryan replied, "I never stop at red lights, it’s a lot of rubbish." My brother runs six cabs here in Limerick, and he too never stops at red lights either." Just then, the traffic single turned GREEN and Ryan jams on his brakes almost sending his passenger through the windshield. Why in the hell did you stop at the green light?" Demanded the passenger. "I must be careful," said Ryan, "one of my brother’s cabs might be coming the other way."
Danny Quinn was quietly drinking in a pub when he was asked by Mick Mulligan, "Is it true that you have 14 children?" "True, 'tis true." Replied Quinn. Mulligan was amazed with this astonishing fact and inquired further, "Do you love them all?" Quinn replied, "Love them all? I don't even know half their names!"
Doolin lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as he was old. His only son Paddy, who used to help him, was in prison. Doolin wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. "Dear Paddy, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad" The prison censors, who read all the mail, allowed the letter through. A few days later Doolin received a letter from his son.
" Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that field! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love Paddy"
At 4 am the next morning, the police arrived and dug up the entire field without finding any bodies. They apologized to Doolin and left. That next day the Doolin received another letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Paddy"
A Dublin man told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to. He didn't seem to have the energy for any chores. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end the guy said: "OK, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what's wrong with me?" "Well" said the doctor, "in plain English, you're just lazy." "OK" said the guy "now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife"
An Irish man is sittin' in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, "Watch this." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a shameful thief." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a scandalous womanizer!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."
Flannagan walks into a curio shop in Dublin. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". Flannagan gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the River Liffy, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the river Liffy, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Liffy after it, and are all drowned. Flannagan walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says Flannagan, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of Queen of England."
A young Dublin Solicitor was involved in a dreadful car smash. The entire side of his BMW was ripped away, along with his arm. "My car, my car." he groaned. The patrolman weighed up the extent of the injuries and said, "Sir, I think you ought to be more concerned about your arm than your car." The solicitor looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." Father Murphy asks, "Is that you, Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Aye, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with lad?" "Well sure, and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't' want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I canna' say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell" "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her Father." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I canna' tell you." Father Murphy sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you most atone. For your penance, say the Lord's Prayer. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get." "Five good leads," says Tommy.
Where the rest of the world would say – "This problem is very serious, but not impossible." The Irishman would say – "This is impossible, but not very serious."
Paddy & Sean are hunting out in the woods when Sean falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Paddy starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "Begorra! Help! My friend just died. He’s Dead! What can I do? "The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he’s dead." There’s a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! Paddy comes back on the line and says, ‘OK, now what?"
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry jerk that made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
4. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
5. When you are confused - I will use little words.
6. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
7. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
8. When you are in jail - I will be right beside you saying, "Wow! That was fun!"
Remember: A good friend will help you move. An Irish friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s house when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen friend, the other five continue playing standing up. O’Conner looks around and asks, "Oh me boys, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?" They decide to draw cards and Gallagher picks the high card. They tell him to be discreet and gentle, don’t make a bad situation worse, as Mrs. Murphy never approved of their gambling. "Discreet???" says Gallagher, "I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Just leave it to me." So Gallagher arrives at Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks, "What do you want." Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00 in our card game and is afraid to come home." "You tell him to drop dead!" Exclaims Mrs. Murphy. "Right, I’ll go tell him." Says Gallagher.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had the important meeting of his career and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Danny Doolan applied for an engineering position at the Dublin Refinery. An Englishman applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Doolan and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Englishman the job." Doolan demanded, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and all, and me being Irish, I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you missed." Doolan then shouted: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Simple, the Limy put down on question #4; ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I."
Murphy’s mother in law was walking around his farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men turned up for her funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O’Toole said to Murphy, "I never realized how popular your mother in law was, imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral." Murphy replied, "Father, they’re not here for the funeral, they’ve come to buy my mule."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little fella, O’Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?" "That I did." said Paddy. "I had Mrs. O’Conner, and a thing of beauty she is, but totally useless in a fight."
The Bank of Ireland, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired Murphy as new CEO. Murphy was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, Murphy noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! Murphy walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" Murphy then handed the lad $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, Murphy looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that loafer did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He’s the delivery guy from Paddy’s deli."
Casey kept a cat for companionship and he loved it dearly. At Christmas he was going to the States for the holiday and asked his brother to look after the cat while he was gone. As soon as he arrived in the U.S. he called his brother and asked, "How is my cat?" His brother said, "Your cat died." Casey was in shock, "Dear God, did you have to tell me that way?" His brother asked, "How else can I tell you that the cat is dead?" Casey responded "You could have led me up to it gradually. You could have told me that my cat was on the roof, but the fire department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me they dropped him and he was injured. Then when I called on the third night, you could have told me that the doctor did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn’t have been such a shock. By the way," Casey continued, "how is mother?" To which his brother said, "Oh, she’s up on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down."
Mick & Sean wanted to go hunting on old farmer Murphy’s land. As they pulled up to the farmhouse Sean told Mick, "You wait here while I ask Murphy permission." Sean walked to the door and made his request to Murphy. Murphy replied, "Ok, but under one condition. I need you to do me a big favor. See my old mule? He is old and lame and needs to be put down, but I’ve had him for so long that I just don’t have the heart to do it myself. I need you to do it for me." Sean said, "I can’t shoot a mule." Murphy begged, "It needs to be done, he’s in a lot of pain. Please help me out." "Well," said Sean "if that’s the case, I’ll do it for you." Murphy thanked him and Sean started back to the truck for his rifle. As he walked he thought to himself that he would play a big trick on his friend. "Mick, that no good Murphy said NO, and after we drove all the way here. I’m so mad I’m goin’ shoot his mule!" "What!" Exclaimed Mick. "You can’t do that, we’ll go to jail!" "Well stand back, I’m mad and I’m goin’ shoot his mule." So Sean grabbed his rifle, walked back toward the mule and bang, shot him dead. From behind, Sean heard three more shots, Bang! Bang! Bang! There was Mick with his rifle, "Hey, I got three of his cows!"
Many years ago there was a young man named Paddy Flanagan. Paddy lived far back in the Hills of Connamara, in the West of Ireland. When Paddy turned 18 he answered his Nation’s call and joined the Irish Navy. On his first day of boot camp, the Navy issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, a Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his second day, the Navy issued him a comb. That afternoon, a Navy barber sheared his head. On his third day, the Navy issued him a jock strap. The Navy is still looking for Paddy.
An American visiting Ireland is a passenger in a taxi. After some time of silent driving he tapped the driver, Murphy, on the shoulder to ask him the time. Murphy screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then Murphy said, " Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said, I didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much. To which the driver replied, "I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I had been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Casey, a farmer in Co. Cork, got on his cart and rode several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the cottage door. A young lad, about 12, opened the door. "Would your Da be at home?" Casey asked. "No sir, he sure ain’t," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well then," said Casey. "Is the good woman of the house in them?" "No, she ain’t here neither. She went to town with Da." "Well then, how about himself, your brother Sean, is he here?" "No sir, he went with Da and Ma." Casey stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Mr. Casey, is there anything I can do for ya?" inquired the lad politely. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one; or maybe I could take a message for me Da." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Da. Tis’ about your brother Sean getting me daughter, Colleen, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment, "Yep, you would have to talk to me Da about that," he finally conceded. "I know that Da charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Sean."
A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a Heck of a long time between New Years and Christmas!"
'Mr Murphy,' said the boarding house landlady, 'I wonder if you would do me a great favor and change the light bulb in the dining room?' 'Certainly,' said Murphy. Taking the bulb in his hand he stepped on to the highly polished dining table in his hobnailed boots and proceeded to set about the task. 'Hold on,' exclaimed the startled landlady, 'I'll get a sheet of paper to go under your feet.' 'No need,' said Murphy, 'I can reach already.'
A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation with Murphy. He happened to use the word 'mañana'. Murphy asked him to explain what 'mañana' meant. The Spaniard said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No, in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency", replied Murphy.
What It Means To Be Irish:
1) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner or holds political office.
2) You swear very well.
3) You think you sing very well.
4) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
5) There isn’t a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
6) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
7) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
8) You’re strangely poetic after a few beers.
9) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
10) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Katherine or Eileen... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Katherine Eileen.
13) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
14) You may not know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing.
15) You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
16) There was not a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
17) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
18) If you don’t know Murph then you know Mac. If you don’t know Murph or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.
19) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
20) You have Irish Alzheimer’s... you forget everything but a grudge!
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. ‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said the show’s host, but for the million dollar question you’ve only got one life-line left: phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you go for it?’ ‘Sure,’ said Mick,’ I’ll have a go!’ ‘Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo’ ‘I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.’ Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ‘Ya daft Mick!’ cried Paddy, ‘Dat’s simple...it’s a cuckoo.’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘I’m sure.’ Mick hung up the phone and told the host, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’ ‘Is that your final answer?’ asked the host.’ ‘Dat it is, Sir.’ There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million dollars!’ The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.’ Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’ ‘For heaven’s sake, Mick, he lives in a bloody clock!’
Paddy was picked up on a theft charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
Young Sean approached his grandfather and asked him, "Grandda, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically?' Old man O'Malley thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and finally, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Sean’s mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" Then Sean asked his sister, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" Sean then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" Sean pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his grandfather. His grandfather asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' I'm living with two hookers and a future congressman."
Donovan said that he would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. “As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and lifted a few too many pints. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I got this one.”
Pat and Mick were sworn enemies, and the slightest wrong word was sure to set them off. As luck would have it they both ended up at the local barber shop at the same time. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start any conversation, for fear that Pat and Mick would wreck the place. When the barber who was working on Pat finished his shave, he reached for the aftershave. “No aftershave”, said Pat, “my wife will smell it and think that I’ve been inside a brothel.” The other barber turned to Mick and asked, “How about you Mick, do you want aftershave?” Sure, go ahead.” Said Mick, “my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
In a trial, an Irish small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. In an attempt to intimidate her he approached her and asked, “Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?” She responded, “Sure, I do know you, Mr. O’Connor. I’ve known you since you were a lad, and frankly, you’ve been a great disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think that you’re big man about town when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more that a two-bit paper pusher. Sure, I know you.” O’Connor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the court room and asked, “Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defense attorney?” Mrs. Murphy confidently replied, “Sure, I’ve know Mr. Bailey since he was a lad, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a decent relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the land. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. It’s true, I know him. The defense attorney nearly died. Judge Sullivan asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you idgiots asks Mrs. Murphy if she know me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Old farmer Fitzgerald was having a rough go due to the drought so he decided to pray. “Dear Lord”, he prayed, “if it be Your will please let it rain and save my crops.” After a moment of thought he added, “And Lord if it is not Your will and my crops die, I will accept Your decision as gracefully as I can, BUT LORD, if I don’t get any rain, please don’t let it rain on that no good Muldoon’s land either.
Mrs. Murphy gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her fare, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming mad. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man replies: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
Paddy and Mick meet the pub after work for a drink, and sat at the bar watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and Paddy bet Mick $50 that the man would jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so Mick gave Paddy the $50. Paddy said, "I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” But Mick insisted saying, "No, a bet is a bet.” "Paddy said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw that he had jumped while watching the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money". Mick replied "Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local Dublin market and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The young lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the lad ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the lad said to the manager, "Some idgiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the lad, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet.
Where are you from, son?" I’m from Tipperary, sir," the lad replied. “And why did you leave Tipperary?" the manager asked. The lad said, "Sir, there's nothing in Tipperary but immoral woman and football players." "Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Tipperary." "Get outta here!" the lad exclaims, "Who'd she play for?"
Flynn, a very successful Dublin businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law, Paddy Murphy. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said Flynn. "Paddy, me boy, to show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." Paddy interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said Paddy. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said Flynn. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?" "That’s easy," said Paddy. "You can buy me out."
Lessons From My Irish Mother
Anticipation – Just wait until we get home.
Logic – Because I said so that’s why!
Love – If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.
Receiving - You are going to get it when we get home.
Wisdom - When you get to my age, you’ll understand.
My Roots – Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?
Osmosis – Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
Stamina – You’ll sit there until that spinach is gone.
Hypocrisy – If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
ESP – Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
Religion – You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
Irony – Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.
The Circle of Life – I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
On Christmas day Paddy walks out of his front door, he is covered with soot and is coughing loudly, behind him a cloud of smoke bellows out of his house. His neighbor sees the commotion and asks, “Paddy is your house on fire? Shall I call for help?” “No, it’s not that at all, it’s this darn turkey I was cooking. I burned it to a crisp!” “Paddy, that’s terrible”, replies the neighbor, “didn’t you follow the cooking instructions?” “Sure, and I was spot on,” says Paddy. “Cook the bird a half hour for every pound, and I weigh 180.”
Flynn was sitting in the pub staring at his large glass of whiskey when a large, trouble-maker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he asks in a menacing voice, causing Murphy to burst into tears. "Come on, man," the scoundrel says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," sobs Flynn. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I got to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I took a cab home and left my wallet in the car. When I got home I found the note from my wife telling me that she has left me for another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
A Southern Baptist was seated next to Paddy Irishman on a flight from Ireland.... After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Paddy asked for a large whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be ravaged by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.” Hearing this, Paddy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side of their village for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, walked to the edge of the dock. Paddy, took a bold step off the dock...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue Irish eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya eejit.”