Irish Job Jokes at The Irish Gift House
CEO of a multi-national corporation was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional vice-president. He included a simple test to help him to select the most suitable person for the job. During the interviews, he asked each applicant the following question, “How much is two and two?” The first applicant was an Englishman. His answer to the question was “twenty-two”. The second applicant was a German. He established the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was an American. He stated that the US Supreme Court has ruled two and two to be four. The last applicant was an Irishman. The CEO asked Paddy, “How much is two and two?” Paddy got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it. He then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and in a low voice asked the CEO, “How much do you want it to be?”
It was O’Malley’s job to process all the undeliverable mail at An Post, the Irish Post Office. One day, a letter came; with shaky handwriting it was addressed to God. O’Malley thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read, “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had €100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I can’t buy food. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Megan Sullivan.
O’Malley was touched. He showed the letter to his co-workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected €96, which they put into an envelope and mailed it to Mrs. Sullivan. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of old Mrs. Sullivan and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days after Christmas another letter came from the same old lady address to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was €4 missing. I think it must have been those son’s of biscuits at An Post."
"Paddy," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.” “That's a rotten lie!" Paddy protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
Murphy and Paddy were wandering aimlessly across their work site. The foreman asked what they were doing. “We’re carrying these bricks to the other end of the site.” The foreman demanded, “What bricks?” “Well, will you look at that,” says Murphy to Paddy. “We’ve forgotten the bricks.”
While on the job, Paddy and his work mates were lifting a few pints. The boss said, “You can't drink while you're working!" Paddy replied, "Right, don't worry. We’re not working."
Mrs. Ryan walked up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?” Without looking up, Mick replied, “Move.”
Sullivan, a Labor Union President, sat at his son's bedside to read him a bedtime story. He starts out, "Once upon a time and a half..."
“That’s a great place to work!” shouted Mick after coming home from the first day at his new job. “I get two weeks paid vacation.” “Good for you.” Replied Danny. “Yeah,” Mick added, “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”
Molly Malone reported for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down and be quiet," replied the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
Late one dark Christmas Eve Private Ryan was placed on guard duty with instructions to not let anyone pass without permission. Meanwhile General Sullivan and his wife were walking home from a Christmas party and were approaching the checkpoint. Private Ryan aimed his rifle and commanded, "Halt! Who goes there?" The startled Mrs. Sullivan exclaimed, "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!" Private Ryan responded, "Come forward Holy Family and be recognized."
Mick is making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy; all he does is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…
Rookie police officer Paddy was assigned to ride in a cruiser with O'Hara, his field training officer. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. Without discussing the situation with his superior, officer Paddy took some initiative and rolled down his window and said, "Move away from the corner." No one moved, so this time he barked, "Disperse from this corner. Now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to O'Hara and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good Paddy," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Lawyer Daly asked the witness:
“Doctor O’Grady, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”
Doctor O’Grady: “No.”
Lawyer Daly: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Doctor O’Grady: “No.”
Lawyer Daly: “Did you check for breathing?”
Doctor O’Grady: “No.”
Lawyer Daly: “So, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”
Doctor O’Grady: “No”
Lawyer Daly: “How can you be so sure?”
Doctor O’Grady: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer Daly: “But it must be possible that the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”
Doctor O’Grady: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
Paddy’s boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here." Paddy replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late as the public transport is bad on weekends." He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" Paddy replied, "Monday."
Paddy gave up his seat for a blind man on the bus today. And that's how he lost his job as a bus driver.
After a row at the local pub a badly injured man was laying on the floor gushing blood. Two rookie paramedics, Paddy and Mick, are the first responders and rush to his side. "Saints preserve us, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Paddy with a panicked look on his face. "I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Mick replies. "Well, what does it say in the book!?" asks Paddy. "It says here to apply pressure." "OK" says Paddy as he turns to his patient and demandingly yells, "Mate, if you don't stop bleeding, you're gonna die."
Kathleen O’Reilly worked at the check in desk for the sell ‘em cheap, pile ‘em high, budget airline Ryanair. One day Kathleen was struggling to cope with all the passengers for the flight from Dublin to London. To take the pressure off families, she said people with children would check in first. This didn’t please Monaghan, a self-important businessman at the back of the long queue, so he strode forward as if he hadn’t heard, He pushed in front of everyone and asked to be checked in.“I’m sorry sir,” said Kathleen. “But we’ve just announced we’re dealing with families first.” “Well, I have a family, it’s just they’re not here with me.” Kathleen smiled politely but repeated that he’d have to wait. “Look, I’m here now. It would be quicker to deal with me than argue. Just do it and I’ll be gone.” “But then I’ll have all the other businessmen wanting the same.” “They won’t care.” Replied Monaghan, “look, they’re just standing there like sheep.” “I’m sorry, sir. Please wait your turn.” The businessman exploded with rage. “Do you know who I am?” Kathleen replied, “No sir, but I know you can’t that very important or you wouldn’t travelling with Ryanair.”
Farmer McDonald set up a road side stand to sell his fresh vegetables and a very curious customer asked McDonald if his tomatoes are genetically modified. "No, not at all," said the tomatoes.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything!!!" Professor Donahue returns her gaze and asks, "Anything???" "Yes", she whispers seductively, "Anything." Professor Donahue cautiously looks around the room before returning the student's gaze, his voice now turned to a whisper and he replies.
"Would you...... study???"
A NSA agent walks into Sullivan's Pub.
Sullivan, who is behind the bar, walks over and says,
"Hey, I heard this really great Irish joke!"
The NSA agent says, "I know."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" yelled old Mrs. O'Malley. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace of horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Right," said Mrs. O'Malley, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because
the electricity was cut off this morning."
The IRS suspected Séamas Flynn, a fishing boat owner, wasn't paying proper wages and sent an agent to investigate him. The IRS Auditor confronted Flynn and said "I need a list of everyone who works on your boat and how much you pay them, including benefits." "Well then, "said Flynn, "there's Mick, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. There's also the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Jamison Whiskey and a case of Guinness every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." The IRS Auditor exclaimed, "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one." Flynn responded "Right, that would be me. What would you want to know"?
Doyle owned and operated an Irish Gift Shop on Grafton Street in Dublin. Selling souvenirs to the tourists was the main part of his livelihood, though there always seemed to be too much competition and too few tourists. One day Doyle was dismayed when a competitor, selling the same type of product, opened next-door to him. Over the front door there was a large sign proclaiming --- "Best Deals." A few days later Doyle was horrified to find yet another Irish Gift Shop had opened up on the other side if his shop. Over the front door this new store was a large sign which was even more disturbing ---"Lowest Prices." After his initial panic of being between two new competitors, and his concern that he would be driven out of business, Doyle looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally at the pub one evening an idea came to him. The next day, Doyle proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read --- "Main Entrance!"
Mrs. Sullivan walks into the local pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what she wanted it for. Mrs. Sullivan answered, "I want to kill my husband." "I'm sorry ma'am," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." Mrs. Sullivan reaches into her purse and produces several compromising photos of her husband together with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry ma'am, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Danny Flynn, a bagpiper, was asked by a funeral director to play at the graveside service of a homeless man. The man had no money, no family and no friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country of County Tipperary. Not being familiar with the backwoods, Danny got lost and being a typical Irishman he didn't stop for directions. Danny finally arrived an hour late, and by this time the funeral director had left and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. Danny felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw that the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. Danny played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man. And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, Danny wept, and they all wept together. When Danny finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the car door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years."
A weeping Mary O'Malley bursts into her hypnotist's office and cries, "I have been faithful to Sean for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again ..."
Officer Duffy radios the station and frantically asks to speak with Sergeant O'Brien , "Sarge, Mrs. Murphy just shot Mr. Murphy for walking across on the floor she was mopping!" "Did you arrest her?" Asks Sgt. O'Brien. "No way sarge." Replied Office Duffy. "The floor is still wet!"
O'Reilly was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" O'Reilly said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."
Mrs. Brady is annoyed with her maid and asks, "Now, Kathleen, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Kathleen: "Well, Mrs. Brady, there are three reasons why I deserve a raise. First, I iron better than you."
Mrs. Brady: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Kathleen: "Your husband said so."
Mrs. Brady: "Oh."
Kathleen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Mrs. Brady: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Kathleen: "Your husband did."
Mrs. Brady: "Oh."
Kathleen: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Mrs. Brady is furious, "Did my husband tell you that too!?"
Kathleen: "No, Ma'am. Your husband would not know. Paddy, the gardener, told me."
Mrs. Brady: "So, how much do you want?"
Murphy told his boss that he needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in him. His boss asked, "Which companies?" So Murphy told him, "The gas company, the electric company, and the mortgage company."
The phone company was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So he met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came in, and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install? Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Oh Yah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"
Murphy calls into work says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover. The boss says, "Well, when that happens to me, I ask my wife for a roll in the hay, and that usually fixes me right up." Murphy says he'll give it a try. Later that day Murphy reports for work; he is ready to go. The boss sees him and says "So, that worked, didn't it?" Murphy says, "Yes, it did, and by the way you have a really nice house."
The crusty Army Sergeant noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, soldier?" "Paddy," the new soldier replied. "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching recruits in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my soldiers by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?" "Yes Sergeant!" "Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" "Darling, My name is Paddy Darling, Sergeant." "Okay" sighed the Sergeant, "Paddy, here's what I want you to do ...."
"O'Connor!" Yelled the editor to his photojournalist, "There's a forest fire raging a hundred miles north of here; I need you on a plane 5 minutes ago and get the story on that fire. This story is huge!" O'Connor quickly grabs all of his equipment and rushes to the airport. He jumps on a private jet and says to the pilot, "Just fly!!" "But--" "Don't argue, just go." yells O'Connor. After a very difficult and challenging takeoff the pilot asks, "Why do you have all of those cameras?" "I'm a photojournalist." The pilot's face turns white. "So what you're saying is that you aren't my flight instructor?"
Paddy and Mick go down to the local job center, but there is a big sign on the door reading "Job interviews today for deaf people only". Wanting work they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door". Paddy does, and the man says to Paddy "You're not deaf at all. Get out". Paddy leaves and tells Mick whatever you do don't shut the door. Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says, "Shut the door". Mick replies, "You can't fool me, shut it yourself."
Bridget Flynn noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name, Sean Francis Ryan. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 35-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate. After Dr. Ryan examined her teeth, Bridget asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school. "Yes. yes, I did." he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" she asked. He answered, "In 1983. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!!!!" Bridget exclaimed. He looked at her closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, rat, asked, "What did you teach?"
Paddy would dig a hole and Mick would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, Paddy digging a hole, and Mick filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Paddy, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" Paddy wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad
who plants the trees called in sick".
Mary Malone is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's Father Donohue with has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground. Mary says "Oh no, its bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, 'tis" says the priest. "Is it Patrick?? Is he dead, father?" She gasps. "There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned." "Was it a quick death, father?" "Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee."
Suspected of murder, Jack O'Reilly is in court and his trial is not going well. Slick Paddy McGrath, the defense lawyer, is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, Paddy tells the jury, "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed." Slick Paddy counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door, but nothing happens. "Ah ha!" says slick Paddy. "You all looked toward the door, therefore we must conclude that there is reasonable doubt in this case and my client must be found not guilty." The jury soon starts their deliberation. After only twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. Slick Paddy exclaimed, "But you all looked toward the door!" "Yes we did," answered the jury foreman, "but your client didn't."
Mick, Danny and yer man Paddy work in the same office and have the same boss. Every day the boss leaves work early. One day the three decided that shortly after the boss leaves they would leave early too. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early? Mick was happy to leave work early and he went to a ball game. Danny was able to get in a good workout before picking up his girlfriend for dinner. Paddy's plan was to get home early and surprise his wife. But when Paddy got home he heard a muffled noise coming from inside the bedroom. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was shocked to see his wife together with his boss! Gently, Paddy closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day at work Mick and Danny said they planned to leave early again, and they asked Paddy if he was going to go with them. "No way," said Paddy.
"I almost got caught yesterday!"
Old Mary Malone had a small shop in her Irish village for years; then one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their super low prices, including one that read, "Ribeye Steak - €14.99 ". In response, Mary added a sign to her own window, "Ribeye Steaks - €13.99 ". The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign, "Ribeye Steaks - €12.99 ". Sure enough, the next day Mary's new sign read "Ribeye Steaks - €11.99." This went on for a while; eventually a passerby pointed to Mary's new €6.99 sign and said, "Mary, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These giant companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete." In response, Mary bent forward conspiratorially and whispered, "What do I care? I don't sell ribeye steak."
An Irish painter by the name of Ryan, while just a country boy, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young Dublin woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request Ryan was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euros. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," Ryan said "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.
The boss, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, pulled up to work with his new exotic sports car this morning and Mick complimented him on his taste in automobiles. O'Shaughnessy replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
"Mick was interviewing for a new job and the interviewer asked, "Do you have any special skills?" Mick responded, "I'm extremely quick at math." "Great!" said the interviewer, "What is 14 x 27?" Mick quickly answered "49." The interviewer said, "That's not even close." "Yeah," said Mick, "but it was fast."
A tourist in Ireland had just finished dinner at a nice restaurant and was leaving a tip. Paddy, his waiter, witnessed the tourist place three nickels, neatly in a row, on the table. Paddy mentioned to the tourist that you could tell a lot about a person by the way they tipped. "Oh," said the tourist, "what can you tell about me?" "Well," said Paddy, the first coin indicates that you are organized and frugal." "That is true," the tourist says, "tell me more." "The second coin says that you are a bachelor." "That's amazing," says the tourist. "What does the third coin tell you?" Paddy continues, "The third coin tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
The police officer with his car's siren blaring pulled over the speeding driver and walked over to his car.
"You name, please?" asked the policeman, taking out his ticket book and pen. "Certainly, officer," replied the driver with a thick Irish accent. "It's Deasmhumhnach Toirdhealbhach Mochamaomhóg Ó Diubhgeannáin." The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his ticket book, shook his head and said, "I'll just give you a warning this time; don't break the speed limit again."
The Doctor was puzzled, "I'm sorry but I can't diagnose yer trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink." "Don't worry about it Doc Kelly, I'll come back when you're sober."
O'Rourke, the famous Irish magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night during the middle of O’Rourke’s act, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, two days and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said, "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Fitzpatrick and Murphy are at another day of boring work on a building site. Fitzpatrick says to Murphy, "Im gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm crazy!" So Fitzpatrick climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts, "Fitzpatrick! You're gone mad, go home!" So Fitzpatrick pick up his lunch pail and leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "And where the hell are you going?" demands the Foreman. "No value in me staying," says Murphy. "I can't work in the dark!"
Paddy McCoy, an Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him 340 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets 290 a week, along with free board and lodging.” “Is there anyone else?”, asked the inspector. “Well there is the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about 50 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview this half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Mick Murphy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Ireland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked Mick, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Mick looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email and after a few minutes receives a response. The man turns to Mick and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "The number is correct. Sure you can take one of my calves," says Mick. Mick watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Mick says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your job is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Mick. "Wow! That's correct," says the man, "How in the world did you guess?" "No guessing required," answered Mick. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...Now give me back my dog!"
Father McMahon was a man for the horses and attended every meeting at the local course. He got to know jockeys, trainers and officials and was a regular visitor to the 'business end' of the racing scene. One day, whilst breezing round the training area, he came upon trainer Murphy who was giving sugar lumps to the outsider. "I hope that's not dope you're giving the poor beast," said the priest jokingly. "Indeed not, Father," said Murphy. "Tis only sugar. Here, swallow a cube and I will as well." Satisfied, the priest wandered on as Murphy dialed a number on his phone and said: '"Mick, it's all set. The horse has had the treatment and he'll go like the wind. In fact if anything passes it, it will be me or Father McMahon!"
Dr. O'Keefe was a prestigious cardiologist at St. James Hospital in Dublin. After many years of dedicated practice old Dr. O'Keefe passed away and the hospital gave him a very elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing Dr. O'Keefe in the beautiful heart forever. When Dr. Casey witnessed the opening and closing of the giant heart he burst into laughter. Dr. Casey's colleagues stared at him wondering why he would carry on in such a fashion, so Dr. Casey explained, "I'm so sorry...I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!" The priest fainted.
Doctor O’Connor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered O’Connor.” As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said Doctor O’Connor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!
”Ryan Air in Ireland recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Taking his seat in his chambers, Judge Murphy faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Casey, gave me $25,000. And you, attorney Ryan, gave me $20,000." Judge Murphy reached into his pocket and pulled out $5,000 and handed it to Casey and barked "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
Paddy, Mick and Danny were in charge of a branch of a bank in a little country village. One day an inspector from the bank’s central office went down to visit them and see how they were getting on. When he arrived he found the bank closed during banking hours so he looked in the back window, he saw Paddy, Mick and Danny playing poker with a large pile of the bank's money. The inspector was furious so he activated the alarm bell which rang loudly three times. Paddy, Mick and Danny didn’t even flinch, in fact they kept at their high stakes game as if nothing happened, but a few minutes later the barman from the pub across the road arrived with a fresh round of beer.
New on the job, McCarthy picked up the only shovel he could find. "Don't use that shovel. If Big Mick sees you with his shovel he'll kill you!" So McCarthy looked around and grabbed the only pick he could find. "For God's sake put down that pick," said another, "that’s Big Mick’s pick. If he sees you with that he'll kill you." Come tea break and McCarthy had done no work, but fancied a mug of tea. Picking up the only free mug on the tray, he was warned, "That's Big Mick’s mug. If Big Mick sees you with that mug he'll kill you!" "That does it," screamed McCarthy. "I'm sick to death of hearing about this Big Mick. I'm going to sort him out. Where does he live?" "Winslow Street - number 7." So McCarthy grabbed a shovel and marched off to Winslow Street, hammered on the door, brushed past the little old lady who opened it and stormed into the house. From an upstairs room he could hear monstrous snoring noises so up he ran and burst into the bedroom. There on a bed lay a giant, six feet four inches, at least 18 stones, covered in hair. Without a word McCarthy laid into the beast with his shovel - crash! clang! bang! "Merciful heavens," screamed the little old lady. "If Big Mick sees you hitting the baby, he'll kill you!"
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Begorra! There goes another one!"
O’Malley, a cop in New York City, is walking his beat and sees a motorist and the vendor of a stationary hotdog cart arguing. “What’s going on here?” asks Officer O’Malley. The hotdog vendor tells the cop that the other man struck his hotdog cart with his car. “Just look at my cart on the sidewalk, it’s ruined!” exclaimed the vendor. Officer O’Malley tells the motorist to follow him a few feet away so he can hear his side of the story. The cop asks the motorist, “What is your name?” The motorist responds with a thick Irish accent, “O’Malley, Sean O’Malley”. “You don’t say? Says the cop, “my name is O’Malley too. Where in Ireland are your people from?” “Galway” responds the motorist. With a smile on his face, Officer O’Malley says, “So are my people. My granddad Sean O’Malley immigrated to the states 50 years ago.” The motorist adds, “Sean O’Malley, I was named after my granddad, Sean O’Malley who immigrated too!” Officer O’Malley thinks for a moment and then tells the motorist, “You wait here for a moment, I’ll come back and we can talk about the old country. But first I have to write that hotdog vendor a ticket for wrecking your car.”
Paddy was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question was intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" Paddy answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
The public works director of Dublin city was directed to take bids for the building of a new fountain. The first contractor, a man from County Cork, said it would cost $9,000.00. "OK", said the director, brake down the cost." The Cork man said, "$3,000 for the materials, $3,000 for the men, and $3,000 for me."
The second contractor, from County Waterford, said it would cost $18,000. Again the director asked, "Brake down the cost." The Waterford man said, "$6,000 for the materials, $6,000 for the men, and $6,000 for me." Finally the director interviewed a Dublin contractor, who said, "$27,000 is my price." The director said, "Brake down the cost for me." To which, your Dublin man told the director, "$9,000 for me, $9,000 for you, and we get the guy from Cork to build the fountain!"
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6.45 p.m. when he found Mr. Murphy, the Managing Director standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," barked Murphy, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said Murphy as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
A Mexican, an Italian and our Irishman, Paddy, were doing construction work upon scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch when the Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and said, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time, I'm jumping too." And Paddy said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time, I'm going to jump off with you." Well - The next day, the Mexican opened his lunch box, saw a burrito; and jumped to his death. The Italian opened his lunch box, saw the pasta, and jumped to his death too. Paddy, opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and also jumped to his death. At their funerals the Mexican's wife wept and said, "I could have given him tacos, or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." The Italian's wife cried, "If I had only known how tired of pasta he was, I would have given him meatballs". Irishman's wife said, "Don't look at me. Paddy packed his own lunches."Sean and Liam were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree fellers wanted". Liam says to Sean, "Now isn't that a shame. If Seamus was with us, we could have gotten the job".Paddy woke up this morning in the police station with no memory of the previous night. He really needs to stop drinking while on duty. It was the day of the big pre-St. Patrick's Day sale at Sullivan's Liquor Store. The sale of cheap booze were the main reason for the long line that formed prior to 10:00 am, the store's opening time. From out of nowhere, our man Paddy pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful and bawdy curses. On the Paddy's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he shouted to the people at the end of the line. "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"