Irish Old Age Jokes at The Irish Gift House
Two old men hobble into an Irish pub. One says, “I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?” “All right,” says the other. “But to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.”
On their sixtieth anniversary Sean and Mary took a walk back to their old high school, holding hands all the way. The school building was not locked, so they entered, and wandered around the corridors and classroom, reminiscing about their happy school days together. On their way back home, an armored car passed them, and a bag fell out, practically landing at their feet. Mary quickly picked it up, but not being sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. The bag contained €50,000! Sean said, “We have to give it back.” Mary said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic. The next day, two garda detectives were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me”, the detective said, “but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Mary said, “No.” Sean said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Mary said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” The detectives question Sean, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Sean began, “Well, when Mary and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first detective turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
After the eighty-four-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, Doc Murphy said to her, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Sullivan, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband.” Mrs. Sullivan stepped out into the crowded waiting room and yelled out loud, “Sean dear, do we still have intercourse?” Suddenly, there was a hush in the waiting room. It was literally so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Sean answered impatiently, “If I have told you once, Kathleen, I have told you a hundred times. What we have is Blue Cross!”
Garda Murphy sees a little old lady walking down a Dublin street, dragging two plastic garbage bags. While he is watching her, he observes that there is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a €20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. As she goes to pass him, the policeman stops her. “Excuse me ma’am, but did you know there are €20 notes falling out of that bag?” “Dear me!” says the little old lady. “I had better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning officer.” “Well now, not so fast. How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” “Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see me back garden backs up to the stadium parking area. After each hurling match or football game, a lot of fans pee in me hedges, right into me flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and say, ‘€20 or off it goes!'” “Fair play!” laughs the officer. “Well good luck. By the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Oh that,” the little old lady replies, “not all of them pay.”
Sean and Mary are their 70’s; they have been courting and are discussing marriage. Mary says, “I want to keep my house.” Sean replied, “That’s fine with me.” Mary says, “I want to keep my Cadillac.” Sean replies, “That’s also fine with me.” Mary then adds, “I want to have sex 6 days a week.” Sean replies, “Put me down for Wednesday”.
Two elderly friends, Colleen and Maureen, hadn’t seen each other in a while, but met while shopping. Colleen inquired, “And how is your husband?” “Oh! Paddy died last week.” He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” Colleen was shocked by the news and said, “Oh dear! I am so very sorry. What did you do?” Maureen replied, “I opened a can of peas instead.”
Murphy didn’t have long to live, and his four children were gathered around his deathbed. As the eighty-year-old widower seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the plans for his funeral. One of his children wanted to spend only a hundred Euros for a coffin. The second child thought that a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All of Murphy’s children agreed that there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference. Just then, Murphy stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. “Children”, he said, “I have never told you this and never wanted to, but I can’t go to my final resting place with this burden. My children, your dear departed mother and I were never married”. His eldest son was aghast. “You mean we’re….” “Murphy replied, “Right you are. And cheap ones at that!”