Irish Golf Jokes from The Irish Gift House
Colleen, Deirdre and Fiona were in the golf clubhouse locker room. Suddenly, a naked man entered their room, wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He ran past the three women and quickly exited the opposite door. Colleen excitedly said, “Well, he’s not my husband.” Deirdre said with a blush, “He’s not my husband either.” However, Fiona exclaimed, “He’s not even a member of this club!”
One afternoon, Paddy found a ransom note slipped under his front door. The note read, “Bring $50,000 to the 17th green of your country club tomorrow at 11am tomorrow if you ever want to see your wife alive again.” The following morning, Paddy went to the bank and withdrew $35,000 in cash, which he added to the $15,000 he kept at home. He wrapped the bundle of cash in brown paper, put it in his golf bag, and headed out to his country club. By the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot, the 17th hole, the time was almost 2pm. As Paddy approached the 17th green, a masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded to know why he was three hours late and what took him so long. “Give me a break,” Paddy insisted, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”
While on a golf tour in Ireland, Rory McIlroy was driving through some remote countryside when he realizes he needs petrol. So, he drives his new Mercedes into a petrol station on the edge of a small village. The petrol station attendant is totally unaware who the golf pro is, nor does he know anything about the game, but he is pleased to see a flashy Mercedes car in the village. He greets Rory, “Top o’ the mornin to ya – be fillin’ it up for ya?” As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket onto the ground. “What would those things be for, laddie?” “They are called tees,” replies Rory. “And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” “They're for resting my balls when I'm driving," replies Rory. "Saints preserve us!" exclaims the attendant. "Those Germans think of everything!”
Maureen is an avid golfer. After a commotion the Garda is called to her Dublin home. They find her standing over the body of a lifeless man and holding a bloody 5 iron. The detective asks her, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” Maureen replies, “Yes.” “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did.” Maureen begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know, six, seven, maybe eight times. Just put me down for a five.”
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the husbands absorbed this information. After a few moments Danny Quinn raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Tonight, I thought Paddy was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that my friend's dropped me off a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Paddy's Diary, same day:
A two-foot putt...Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
One day an attractive lady golfer accidentally overturned her golf cart. Mick, a very athletic and skilled golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay? What's your name?" "Thanks, I'm OK. My name is Maureen." Replied the lady golfer. "Maureen," said Mick, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa and rest a while, and I'll help you with the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Maureen answered," but I don't think my husband would like it." "Oh, come on. I'm sure that you could use a drink." Mick insisted. Mick was very handsome and persuasive, Maureen was weak. "Well OK," Maureen finally agreed, and added, "But my husband won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, Maureen thanked her host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my husband is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Mick said with a smile. "He won't know anything. By the way, where is he?" Maureen replied, "Under the cart!"
Clancy came home and was greeted by his wife who was dressed in a very sexy negligee. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So Clancy tied her up and went golfing.
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes so the second golfer says, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for
five bucks a hole?" The first golfer said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second golfer proceeded to win the remaining sixteen holes with ease and collected $80.00. As they were walking to the clubhouse, the second golfer bragged that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first golfer then revealed that he was Father Murphy the local Parish Priest which caused the pro to become flustered and apologetic and he offered to return the money. Father Murphy said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "Well," said Father Murphy, "you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
Quigley always bring an extra pairs of pants when he plays golf. Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Yesterday Paddy went golfing with his grandpa Murphy. On the 12th hole Paddy hit his tee shot a bit to the left and his ball landed in front of a big 40ft tree. Paddy was just going to hit around the tree when grandpa Murphy said, "Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that same tree." Not wanting to be outdone Paddy's ego took over and he grabbed his 9 iron to hit the ball right over that tree. Paddy took his best shot and THWACK the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind him. That's when grandpa Murphy adds, "Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"
One beautiful spring day Angus Campbell headed out for an afternoon of golf. Standing on the green the Scott asked the boy standing beside him, "Are ye my caddie for today?" "Aye," answered the boy. "Are ye good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes sir, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
Paddy and Mick head out for their usual 9 holes of golf and they agree to a $50.00 bet. They are both playing very well and after the 8th hole Mick is ahead by one stroke, but he cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball," Mick asks Paddy. After several minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Mick secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" Mick announces. "After all the years we've been friends and playing together," Paddy says, "I can't believe that you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks." Mick responds, "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Paddy explains. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
It was the final day of the Irish Open Golf Tournament and, sure enough, Paddy and Mick had tied for the lead through 72 holes of play. So off they went for a sudden death playoff starting on the 18th tee. Wouldn't you know, they both hit mighty drives straight down the middle about 304 yards each. In fact, when they reached their balls, they were side-by-side with no more than 9 inches separating the two. Paddy turned to Mick and said, "I'm playing a Titlest 3, what ball are you playing?" "I'm playing a Titlest 3 as well, how did you mark your ball to identify it?" Mick responded. "I didn't mark my ball." said Paddy. "I didn't have time at the 18th tee! What about yourself? Did you mark yours?" "Didn't think I'd have to." Mick answered. So, first was the shouting match about why the other didn't mark their ball. Finally they decided that it didn't really matter which ball belonged to whom, since they were the same brand and laid less than a foot apart. But then they got to arguing about who should get to shoot first. When they calmed down, there was nothing to do but call for a tournament official to come and straighten things out. "What seems to be the problem here, lads?" asked the official. Again there was shouting and arguing while they explained to the official that they were both playing a Titlest and both balls had a number "3" stamped on it, but neither ball had been marked by the player to distinguish it. "I see." said the official. "Both balls are Titlest and both are marked with the number 3."
"Right, then," he continued, "Which one of ye lads is playing the YELLOW Titlest 3 and which of ye is playing the WHITE Titlest 3?"
Mick McGrath was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was their family doctor, Dr. O'Neill, notifying him that his wife had just been in a horrible accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. McGrath told their doctor where he was and that he'd be there straight away. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. McGrath decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant...then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw Dr. O'Neill in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. Dr. O'Neill glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your poor sweet Molly has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IVs; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." McGrath broke down and sobbed. Dr. O'Neill chuckled and said, "I'm just joking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
A pastor, a doctor and yer man Paddy were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Paddy fumed, "What's with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Paddy said, "Can't these guys play at night?"
Recently Paddy was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first Paddy said, ‘Naaahhh!’ Then they said to him, “Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind kids.” Then Paddy thought… HELL- I could win this!
Father Sullivan woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, and decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Sullivan headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Patrick leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Sullivan hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Patrick was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Mick goes golfing every Saturday with Paddy. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?” Mick says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Paddy hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.” Mick’s wife says, “That’s terrible!” “I know.” Says Mick, “Then, for seventeen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Paddy, hit the ball, drag Paddy, hit the ball, drag Paddy. . .”
Sean and his wife Colleen, were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?" "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not" "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not" "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."